My skin is painted in iridescent colors of overlapping exhaustion.
But, in case any of you care, I got the highest marks possible for my Sex & Gender Roles and Classical Sociological Theory class. Speaking one's mind doesn't affect the grade if you're taking courses with decent teachers; happily, I was.
On another note, a friend once said to me: "Sometimes to make peace is to do a disservice to the friendship that existed; it can cheapen it sometimes. And the only way to preserve that friendship, even in the past tense, is not to make peace."
Now, I don't believe that for a minute. I think we are always meant to make peace and forgive and to wish others well. I don't think we are meant to bear grudges; I don't think we are meant to be cruel. The only time we are permitted not to make peace is when others deliberately hurt us just to watch us squirm in pain. But if it was unintentional, I believe we must make peace.
Thus it is unfortunate that within myself I discover a person who just wants anybody who hurt me to hurt as badly as I do. It's like I think it will even things out if they suffer as much as I suffer; somehow it will make the world more fair. Obviously I don't want lasting suffering or total destruction, but I find in myself that I could not possibly be happy if I thought they were totally happy and didn't suffer for what they'd done to me. And that is a less than admirable trait. In the words of another, it's a middah megunah. How can I want someone else's suffering? How can I want someone else to be unhappy? It is such a selfish quality! Just because I am unhappy, must I wish that others should be unhappy as well? I hate that I have this in me. I can't outrun it, I can't change it and I can't make it go away. I want to cut this part of myself out of me, to excise it totally and to have the ability to be totally happy for other people, especially since the hurt was not deliberate. Since when is it that when someone else is happy I want them to hurt? What kind of disgusting person could want that?
It's Elul, the time of year in which we are meant to ponder ourselves, to focus on self-reflection. Well, when I look in the mirror I see a person who is cruel and it kills me. I want to be happy for other people, even if, by virtue of their happiness, they hurt me. I don't want it to be that I won't be content unless I think they suffer for hurting me. I don't want to be that type of person. I don't want to be that kind of girl! I don't want to have that kind of ugliness in me. God, I can't be that person; I won't be that person. But I am that person, and God, I'm at my wit's end...I don't know what to do to make myself better. I want to be better. I'm crying as I write this because I can't, can't be that way...I don't want to be that way...I want to be better than that. So God, what should I do? How can I fix this flaw in me? How can I be happy, truly happy for others and quell the anger and the desire to have them feel as I do, as worthless and stepped-on and discarded as I do?
Please, God, I'm begging you...I don't want to be that person...I don't want to be that kind of girl. You have to help me to be better because I don't know how to do it myself and it's killing me.