Monday, August 10, 2009

God, It's Me, Chana

You're making me crawl and I hate it. You made the snake crawl, on its belly, through the dust. (And then it eats the dust, which is kind of like it is eating man, which demonstrates its victory in making man fall since man is made of dust; I touched on that point somewhere else. But anyway, that's tangential.) The point of this is: you're making me crawl, abject, making me watch how nothing comes right and how I betray You without trying to and how goddamned hard it is to watch everyone think I'm a fundamentalist backwater kid. What is this; will your humiliation process humble me? Is it going to help me somehow? You already tore my pride to shreds; why the need to go further with this? How far will the experiment go? And who the hell will I be when you're done?

Only You could know how much I value that people respect my intelligence and only You could devise so cruel a punishment as to let me watch people think I'm a total idiot, brainwashed and stupid, in order to show me that truly nothing matters- nothing matters but knowledge of God.

    כב כֹּה אָמַר יְהוָה, אַל-יִתְהַלֵּל חָכָם בְּחָכְמָתוֹ, וְאַל-יִתְהַלֵּל הַגִּבּוֹר, בִּגְבוּרָתוֹ; אַל-יִתְהַלֵּל עָשִׁיר, בְּעָשְׁרוֹ. 22 Thus saith the LORD: Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches;

    כג כִּי אִם-בְּזֹאת יִתְהַלֵּל הַמִּתְהַלֵּל, הַשְׂכֵּל וְיָדֹעַ אוֹתִי--כִּי אֲנִי יְהוָה, עֹשֶׂה חֶסֶד מִשְׁפָּט וּצְדָקָה בָּאָרֶץ: כִּי-בְאֵלֶּה חָפַצְתִּי, נְאֻם-יְהוָה. {ס} 23 But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth, and knoweth Me, that I am the LORD who exercise mercy, justice, and righteousness, in the earth; for in these things I delight, saith the LORD. {S}

    ~Jeremiah 9: 22-23
I never understood these verses before. I thought I did but I didn't. But you're making me understand them, every single day, in every way possible. And God, if it hurts me so much to have comparatively little- people who don't know you- think I'm nothing, how must it have hurt Jeremiah to watch his own people cast him away? How must it hurt you to watch your people deny You? I'm angry with you; I freely acknowledge that...but I see what you are doing. I do. None of it ought to matter to me and one day it won't...but right now I'm still raw from everything else. I watch everything I try to be and accomplish fall apart and wonder who I'll be when you've taken everything away. What will I have left? Nothing, of course- nothing except You. And You know that. It's cruel, it's sick, and it's also brilliant. You've given me everything and nothing- You play the Joker's hand.

16 comments:

CJ Srullowitz said...

I'm not quite sure what, lulei demistafina, to say. That rant was either very sacred or very profane.

Or both.

Jack said...

The Jokers Hand- I like that.

Anonymous said...

What are you talking about?

Uri said...

Chana,care to elaborate?

a friend from Stern said...

Chana,I don't know what this post is about,but,I know you searched your heart and made your choice about how you walk through this world. You shower people with kindness,help them whenever you can,but most importantly,you take Yiddishkeit seriously and live it to the fullest each and every day. It sounds like people @Hunter view you as a "fundamentalist" and that makes you unhappy. Summer school is not forever you know. Keep your chin up ,smile that brilliant smile of yours and look forward to the pleasant future.
Why don't you write a stoy? You told me once that writing stories takes your mind off stuff.

Anonymous said...

So what is everyone at the sex class laughs at you? Did you really expect otherwise? Did you really think progressive means understanding other people's viewpoints?

I got another piece of news for you, the point of a sex class is to watch porn, and you blew the most important part.

About god owing you something, ARE YOU CRAZY? Do you really think your actions measure up to anything? Do you really think god has cute rebellious children that he gets a kick out of? You are not god's "special trouble maker", only when you truly submit yourself to god, maybe then, god will look at you.
הוא היה אומר, עשה רצונו כרצונך, כדי שיעשה רצונך כרצונו. You can't have it both ways.

Anonymous said...

Why the hell do you care what other people think about you? What does it matter?

Iyov said...

You know, everyone has the right to feel like things aren't going their way sometimes, but jeez, to whip out Jeremiah and all the other drama because a bunch of people in your summer school class don't recognize your intelligence? Come on, how about a little perspective on life.

I mean, there are people who have kids with cancer or they are eating out of trash cans or their parents are sick with Alzheimers...

Nehemiah said...

Hey Iyov,there is no need to be so condescending. Perhaps there is more pressing stuff going on in Chana's life we aren't aware of and not entitled to. A little kindness goes a long way.

Anonymous said...

"Chana's life we aren't aware of and not entitled to."

Like an expectation for God to treat her better than anyone else.

Aaron said...

People!
You are forgetting that Chana is an English major.Let's not read way too much into this post and extend judgements. At the very least wait till she responds to the comments.

Iyov said...

>Perhaps there is more pressing stuff going on in Chana's life we aren't aware of and not entitled to.

Perhaps. But she seems pretty explicit in her post in identifying the source of her misery.

Anonymous said...

Chana how many times have you listened to the call "Chana, It's Me, God" that you expect

a reader said...

I wouldn't be surprised if God ,who sees some of the nasty comments on this blog, calls to the world and states:"My Jewish children have abondaned me!" .

Anonymous said...

Sorry I do not see anyone as being all that nasty. Chana can take critical comments, no?

Chana said...

I love how you guys find the time to pick apart this post to shreds. It honestly entertains me. Have you nothing better to do with your time than wonder about what goes on in my head? I mean, I'm flattered, but it's somewhat amusing. Either you're trying to figure out what I'm thinking or you're busy insulting me- a person you have never met- for what you *think* I'm thinking. Some people watch TV shows for their entertainment; I just read the comments to my posts. It's a funny world out there.

Quote from Marla of 'Fight Club' comes to mind, actually- "It's cheaper than a movie and there's free coffee."

That, folks, sums up why most people do most things in life. I'm honored y'all come visit me in the comment thread when I haven't even provided y'all with the coffee.