Friday, June 26, 2009

The Miriam Webster Shidductionary

I read Adventures in the Produce Aisle and other 'Perelous' Tales by Perel Grossman today. (I'm still trying to figure out how to get ahold of a copy of The House of A Thousand Lanterns so in the meantime, I read whatever I can get my hands on...) The part I found particularly funny was 'The Miriam Webster Shidductionary.' You see, I have friends who were actually told they have "too much personality" or are "too sophisticated" and suchlike...Props to you, Perel, for making me smile today. It's not so easy to do.

I'm going to copy the Shidductionary over with the understanding that you really ought to either take the book out of the library, buy it, etc. And that all credit goes to Perel. And if Perel wishes me to take down this post I shall happily comply. I just thought I should bring this wondrous list to the knowledge of the public.

~

MALE-RELATED TERMS

Young:

(1) born after Mesushelach
(2) younger than he looks
(3) 19-21
(4) young at heart, but a valuable Social Security asset
(5) still has most of his original hair

Bright: always had a lot of potential throughout high school, no achievement, just potential

Slim: a testimony to the bad food at the yeshivah

Heavyset/ big-boned: purchases two seats on the airplane

Wonderful Family: very open to all types of "interesting" people, even you (see "interesting")

A little "out of the box": wears suspenders and a bow tie...to the swimming pool

Interesting: weird

Soft-Spoken: has not uttered a word on a date since 1998

Lively: jumps from subject to subject with lots to say on the central theme (himself)

Full of "simchas hachaim": every day is Purim

Tall: 5'7"

Short: very

Average: short and/or overweight

Sophisticated: knows the appropriate name for the William Tell Overture (hint: not the "Lone Ranger Song")

Shtark: displays the gleaming-eyed, maniacal look of a "kana'ee"

Best Boy in [fill in the blank]: he is registered in that yeshivah

Warm: greets the parents before taking the girl out

Ba'al Middos: middos tovos or middos ra'os?

The Top Boy in [fill in the blank]: when the bachurim get together to form a human pyramid so they can hoist one guy high enough to reach the cake that the cook hid, he is the "top boy"

Capable: has been known to take out the garbage

Health-conscious: drinks lite beer with his Thursday night cholent

Financially secure:

(1) has been single for a long, long time
(2) secure in the hope that his future shver has ample finances
(3) employed at the same job for six months or more

Worldly: has been outside the Flatbush-Lakewood-Monsey area

Handy: can screw in a light bulb (providing his wife buys it)

Black Hat: wears a black hat

Gray Hat: wears a gray hat

No Hat: tries to observe the Torah and all of its commandments without the aid of a Borsalino (Insert Chana laughing her head off- this one greatly entertained me)

Dresses well:

(1) yeshivah bachur: Both his socks are the same color.
(2) "fancy" boy: His socks are the same color and of the same pattern.
(3) businessman: The cost of his shoes and belt are equivalent.

Long-Term Learner: the t'naim will include a formal contract of support

One-to-Two Year Learner:

(1) will learn as long as the wedding money lasts
(2) would love to go to work right now, but will never find a shidduch if he does

FEMALE-RELATED TERMS

Slim: owns a good pair of control tops

A little "out of the box": speaks Latin to the meshulachim

Interesting: weird

Lively: non-stop yapper

Tall: has to bend double to pass under thresholds

Sophisticated: knows the name of the president of the U.S.

Out-of-Townish: understands the meaning of ahavas Yisrael

Bubbly: an airhead

Ba'alas chessed: cooks with a can opener, never met a microwaveable dish she didn't love

Capable: can set the table (with plastic!)

Yeshivish: her family puts the Yated on the coffee table, keeps Hamodia in the kitchen

Middle-of-the-Road: her family puts Hamodia on the coffee table, keeps The Jewish Press in the kitchen

Modern: her family gets their news from the inter-you-know-what

Down-to-earth: wears crocs to simchas

A Natural Beauty: make-up has never crossed her face (and not for lack of need!)

Health-conscious: eats macrobiotic, practices yoga, relies on alternative medicine, uses only plant-based detergents. Meditates on dates.

Funky: her earrings are larger than her sunglasses; her purse could accomodate a week's worth of clothing. Funky, of course.

Stylish: her clothing bears everyone's name but her own

Dresses sensibly: rubber-soled shoes, bulletproof hose, navy-blue polyester suit, button-down shirt

Geshikt: makes fabulous Rice Krispy Treats

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Here we offer a special addendum to help "decode" the phrases most frequently used to end a relationship:

No Chemistry: [an explanation in three parts]

I. Money + Yichus= Chemistry
II. PHD (Papa Has Dough) + FIR (Father Is Rosh Yeshivah) = CWC (Couple With Chemistry)
III. No Swiss Bank Account + No Father In Chinuch = Lack of Chemistry

We're moving in two different directions: He's moving down the fast lane at 90 mph in his Ferrari; she's riding the bus to catch a shiur on vegetable checking.

We have different values: The value of his bank account is less than the value of her childhood piggy bank.

She stopped accepting my calls: He thought maybe the phone was broken, so...he started appearing at her windows. Restraining order followed.

He's not serious enough about his learning: On their first date, she asked him if he would lie down in front of a moving train if it meant learning Torah for a few extra minutes. He had the chutzpah to ask, "Which train?"

She's too quiet: Like dating a glass of Diet Coke. (Chana: For some reason, this also made me laugh.)

He's too intense: He intensely dislikes me. The feeling is mutual.

Her mother "killed" it: Was it the T-shirt and suit combo?

He doesn't really want to get married: He doesn't want to marry me.

She doesn't have time for a man in her life: She put a three-hour cap on our phone conversations.

Personality Clash: I have a personality, she doesn't...

He has a bad temper: He was a little out of sorts after waiting two hours for her. No explanation given.

She's too "into" gashmius: She suggested I get a new car; just a few loose springs in the seat- no biggie...

We are looking for different things: He is looking for a young bride; she is looking for someone who was born in the same decade.

She's not cut out to be a kollel wife: What was the giveaway? The Gucci bag or the Manolo Blahnik pumps?

SIGNS THAT THE DATE IS NOT GOING WELL

15. The waiter is more eloquent than your date.

14. The waiter has a better haircut than your date (spiked, gelled, and dyed lavender.)

13. The waiter is better dressed than your date.

12. The guy tries to forge a bond by calling her by her first name. Repeatedly. Too bad it is not Malky.

11. She says she just might be expecting a family emergency. Very possibly. Any minute now.

10. He goes to the bathroom and, moments later, his car is missing.

9. She tells him the appalling story of someone who had the nerve to hit her blue Honda at Shop-Rite last Friday and didn't even leave a note. He blanches and studies his fingernails with great intensity.

8. He asks for vodka in his milk shake.

7. She pops out her lens, swishes it in her mouth, and pops it back into her eye, pronouncing it "good as new."

6. He tries to pay for their meal at the five-star restaurant with coupons. They are expired. He won't take no for an answer.

5. She wishes he had worn a hat. He goes back to the car to get it. She sees it. She wishes he hadn't worn a hat.

4. The maitre d' sits down with them to try to stimulate conversation.

3. She closes her eyes and claps and sways to the background music.

2. He keeps a barf bag in his jacket pocket. Just in case.

1. She has no choice. The date must end. She goes to the ladies' room and pulls the fire alarm on the way out.

I hope that, armed with all of this important information, you will go out there and STOP THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS by getting engaged. As soon as possible. Hurry! My reputation is at stake.

~

I have to look over this list more closely and figure out which terms apply to me now...huzzah...!

9 comments:

Walter Sobchak said...

Reminds me of "The Fiddler on the Roof":

Hodel, oh Hodel,
Have I made a match for you!
He's handsome, he's young!
Alright, he's 62.
But he's a nice man, a good catch, true?
True.

I promise you'll be happy,
And even if you're not,
There's more to life than that---
Don't ask me what.

Chava, I found him.
Won't you be a lucky bride!
He's handsome, he's tall,
That is from side to side.
But he's a nice man, a good catch, right?
Right.

You heard he has a temper.
He'll beat you every night,
But only when he's sober,
So you'll alright.

Dana said...

i have no words...

fudge said...

laughed till i cried. won't tell you what kind of tears.

Erachet said...

Hilarious.

Yaelle said...

This was great! Actually, two years ago I read a certain dating book--a real one--that I won't name here, and only realized halfway in that it wasn't a parody.

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harry-er than them all said...

loved this post. keep them coming

Ariella said...

"Middle-of-the-Road: her family puts Hamodia on the coffee table, keeps The Jewish Press in the kitchen" and the TV hidden in the bedroom or behind what appears to be a seforim shank?

Michelle said...

Hmm if I couldn't relate to most of those personally, I feel fortunate not to be in that "chevra" or whatever.

Although the Money + Yichus = Chemistry is too funny! :)