Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Kitchen Queen, AKA Eilonwy Comes To Life

I used to party like a waitress; now I am to be a Kitchen Queen (AKA Eilonwy.) My mother is under the mistaken impression that I'm getting married. Observe:

And by no means is that everything.

It was the conversation that ensued that was hilarious.

Mommy: Well, what do you think of what I bought you?
Chana: (utterly shocked) I was expecting a few pots and pans when you said you were buying me a kitchen.
Mommy: A few pots and pans? For shame. You're going to cook!
Chana: But it's like you think I'm getting married! You bought me a whole kitchen, not something to use while living in an apartment with a couple of girls.
Mommy: But you're going to have people over for Shabbos, aren't you?
Chana: Yes, but...
Mommy: *beatific smile*
Chana: Well, I guess when I get married I won't have to buy anything. I'll have all of this.
Mommy: *looking at me as though I were crazy* You think that I'm going to let you keep this rubbish when you get married? No, we'll buy you a whole new kitchen.
Chana: ?!
Mommy: Oh yes, and then there are the linens and the sheets (continues listing items)
Chana: He's a lucky guy, whoever he is; he's not going to have to pay for a kitchen.
Mommy: Chana, you are not keeping this kitchen when you get married. Do you think I love you so little that this would be your dowry?
Chana: Um. This is little?
Mommy: *rolls eyes* Sweetheart, you have no idea what I've got in store for you.

Dear Future Husband, whomever you may be, you are a lucky guy. You won't have to spend your money on kitchen items. Or on anything else, apparently, so long as my Mother has her way. Also, I'm the one who has to toivel all of this. Toiveling party! Rainwater in mikvas, what could be more splendiferous....sigh. Lost my mojo; need it back. Little talking dragon out of Mulan, where the hell are you?


chicagoan said...

Chana,enjoy your kitchen utensils.
Your mom's generousity is well known in the comumnity. I'm not surprised to see what she got you. Now,do you cook as well as she does?

Chana said...

Ha, I WISH! I can follow recipes, but the gourmet/ amazing mad skillz she has in the cooking department are alas, not mine. She claims they could be if I just decided to work at it. So that's the new plan. :)

a friend from Stern said...

Chana,this is a funny post!
The lines dedicated to your future husband are hilarious. He'll be one lucky guy not only because he won't have to buy a new kitchen,but because he'll have this kind,wise,entertaining Chana for keeps!

Chana said...


No. I'm not such a prize.

Ari said...

This is an entertaining post indeed!Your kitchen stuff appears to be color coordinated with appetizing patterns.I'm jealous!Here is some of my stuff : a small brown soup pot,a white mug and a green serving plate with plastic fork and spoon-all milchigs. 0 stuff for fleishigs. Care to exchange ? Didn't think so. Enjoy!

guess who? said...

I had to share these with you:
"Bless Chana the cook who serves love and laughter"

"Wine is bottled poetry"

I know how much you enjoy sweets and ice cream Chana,so here is another one:
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand". And to top it all,I can just imagine you telling this to the girls you share your apartment with:
" Today's menu:
Take it ot leave it!"
How did I do? Are you rolling with laughter yet? By the way,your kitchen stuff looks pretty and very useful!

The Cousin said...

Your mother has set you up very well with kitchen supplies.

There are things I have in my kitchen which I rarely use, just because they're a really bizarre tool/utensil. A word of wisdom from my father (your uncle) when it comes to my mother giving me stuff I don't want:

"Just take will make your mother happy".

As for cooking--it's a trial and error process. For me, it's a lot like being in the lab (except in the end, you can actually eat what you synthesize!)

Now if you excuse me, I have to go check on my (parve) salmon patties, and then get to work on some chicken for the week.

YU guy said...

O Chana, may those within your kitchen treasure goodness and generosity. May comfort and compassion enfold all who cross its threshold.

When can I come over for dinner?

jewish blogger said...

Your mother must be European or a person from a Middle Eastern country. Actually,dowry comes in very handy,especially when it's appreciated .

Chana said...

Ha, thank you. You're right; I won't be exchanging things.

guess who?
I have no clue who you are, but you are right on regarding the balanced diet being a cookie in each hand. However, "take it or leave it" is not something I would ever say.

Thank you for the useful advice regarding mothers and interesting knick-knacks around the kitchen. ;) You still owe me a story re: the Bachelorette Party.

YU Guy,
Since I don't know who you are, guess you won't be coming, but thanks for the blessing.

tnspr569 said...

Wow - you hit the housewares jackpot!

Seriously, enjoy the new housewares and use them in good health! I'm sure they'll be used to create many delicious dishes for you and your guests.

The Cousin said...

Briefly--yes, I know I owe you that story about the party. I'll get around to typing it up some time soon. Needless to say, I was still able to make the steak I'd planned on eating for Shabbos dinner that I was content.

Anonymous said...

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

Chana said...

And you're quoting "Pulp Fiction" because?

Uri said...

Chana's apron should state:
(based on comments read)
Nice kitchen stuff!

Anonymous said...

You won't know the facts until you know the fiction.