Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Shall I Sing Out To You, God?

David composed psalms for you; I write you angry prayers. I found a song, though, and I think it was made for me. It's 'Above the Wreckage' by Dishwalla. Here are the lyrics.

My favorite part:

Watch her rise above the wreckage
See her fly through glass
See the world spin ‘round again (again, again, again)

And don’t waste your beautiful, your beautiful life
Don’t waste your beautiful, your beautiful life
Down here


Shall I be a reborn angel for you, God? I give up everything the way You want me to. You test me and test me, whether it's my teacher's voice in my head or the corroboration various situations offer for that premise. Sure I hurt but that's why I sing out...sing out...sing out to You...because that's what my namesake did. Lovely Chana who threatened to become a Sotah so as to have a child. And what shall I threaten you with, God? If I threaten to go off and become a prostitute, for instance, you'll probably just give me a role like Rachav's and I'll wander about rescuing spies *rolls eyes.* If I threaten to become an atheist, You'll just laugh and your laughter will resound in my ears. What in the world can I threaten you with? I, unlike my lovely namesake, haven't been given those tools. Unfair, God. But you know what? Despite it all, despite your Joker's hand and the way you totally mess around with my life, I really love You. Perhaps one day I will be like Istahar and become Your angel...or a star. Apropos given there are meteor showers tonight. God, I feel like You and I understand one another. There's a game and I'm not sure where I am in it, but I'm some kind of player...I feel like I'm Ender being told I'm playing computer games but really I'm exploding the entire universe where the Buggers exist and someone's going to tell me that one day. And then I'll wind up Speaker for the Dead and it'll really be a party. But God, I've got to tell is one wild ride. And in a way I wonder what the hell is coming next.


Aaron said...

"And in a way I wonder what the hell is coming next"

Chana, I hope good things are coming your way. Your literally posts make me think. Thank you.

Chana said...

You're welcome, Aaron. In truth the song is about a car crash- she is rising above the wreckage and has flown through glass because they've died in a car crash. But I think it can apply to many more things than that.

Anonymous said...

From Mesilat Yesharim

עוד בענין זנות הפה והאוזן, דהיינו, הדיבור בדברי הזנות או השמיעה לדברים האלה, כבר צווחו ככרוכיא ואמרו (ירושלמי תרומות פ"א) ולא יראה בך ערות דבר (דברים כג) ערות דיבור זה ניבול פה. ואמרו (שבת לג) בעון נבלות פה צרות מתחדשות

You willingly attend a class where the stated curriculum is Zenut Hapeh, and you act shocked that things aren't working out for you?