with bruises on her ego
and her killer instinct tells her to
be aware of evil men.
~Pretty Girl by Sugarcult
I can't do this,
I can't do this,
I can't do this by myself.
I can't do this,
I can't do this,
Oh God, I need Your help.
They're the overachievers, the motivated kids, the ones who are supposedly brilliant, talented, gifted beyond all measure. They're exquisitely sensitive, incredibly attentive, and trust people implicitly. They expect people to keep their word, require honesty, and find themselves confused when confronted with evil. They prefer to take the blame upon themselves as this will enable them to fix it. If everything is somehow their fault, then they'll be able to change it around so that it is okay. It is impossible for them not to take something personally. The world in and of itself is a personal place. All things relate to them. They relate to their world by feeling rather than thinking. This is difficult for people to understand because they are so talented when it comes to critical thinking and analytical skills.
What happens to our beautiful, sensitive girl with the golden soul? She expects to be understood in the same way that she understands others. This expectation is unfair because she has tools at her disposal that many others do not. She has a quick eye and a keen heart that smarts under the blows inflicted upon another. Her sense of justice is finely honed and razor sharp. She deflects pain from others and becomes indignant when injustice prevails. She expects to be taken seriously regardless of her age. She is frustrated by those who will not listen to her because she is too young. But more than anything else, she wants to find a friend who can return her constant, unwavering, outpouring of love.
She is a child who was born to be in love with all things. Everything in the world excites her joy. Love is her natural state. She loves God, her parents (unless they have neglected or abused her, in which case she is conflicted) and people. It is extremely difficult for her to blame others for anything that happens to her due to the conflict that arises when she simultaneously wants to love the person. It is easier for her to excuse others and to pile all mistakes and misunderstandings upon herself. She is extremely harsh when it comes to herself but very generous with others. She believes in magic. To hurt another person is akin to hurting herself, and thus almost impossible for her own sense of physical self-preservation. She is astounded by those who can hurt callously or without thought.
It takes a very long time for her to trust people. Her worst hurts come from people she trusted who failed to come through for her, or worse, betrayed her. It is better never to be vulnerable. To expose onself to another is to risk having them mock or hurt you for the most precious things you have, hold to be true or are. Thus her brilliant acting ability. She wears masks, juggles identities, throws off flame and glitter and glitz in order to protect her core self. The majority of the people she knows believe they know her, but all they know is her glitter. A select few would know her true self.
Despite her careful deceptions and webs, she cannot evade the repercussions of having people hurt her. Her emotional core is fragile. The bruises run deep and infiltrate the bloodstream. Self-doubt, anger, recrimination, censure and loathing run paramount in her head. To look in the mirror is a problematic exercise. Her high standards will never be good enough for Person X. She finds it very difficult to discount the opinions of others. It is easier not to try at all. Thus, her decision to deliberately fail. No one can motivate her if she has decided she doesn't care. She refuses to care about most things. Caring requires openness, vulnerability, and she can only be open to people she is certain won't hurt her. She shuts down the rest of who she is around most people.
Words are weapons. They can shatter her, cut her to pieces. She will remember the words of children who were eight years old and they will still hurt. She will remember moments everyone else has forgotten. The words scar, an interlacing, interlocking web of intricate scarring that covers her skin. And woe betide her if she loves the wrong person. The person has the ability to wreck her self-image, self-esteem, sense of self-worth and the whole way she perceives herself. She is so open that even if they don't intend it, they can hurt her.
She can be very lonely. She doesn't belong in a world comprised of cynical and bitter people. She will retreat from that world, whether via the form of fantasy, imagination, living in her thoughts or creating an alternate means of existence. In her healthy state, she can be amazingly productive in her choice of alternate worlds- a fantastic actress, a wonderful writer. In her unhealthy state, she is very bitter, angry and hateful. She needs to feel like she is doing something with her life and that it is productive. If she doesn't feel productive, she loses all will to live. If she finds that a particular venue (for example, school) is forcing her to be around people who are shutting off her productivity or her way of existence, she will lash out against this trigger. This will take the form of cutting ties with this place.
When you look at her you see a confident, brilliant, with-it person. Underneath it, depending on whether she is healthy or unhealthy, she can be falling apart. There are bruises the eye can't see that may have significantly messed her up. She needs people who believe in her and who will never doubt her. She needs people who love her without conditions or strings attached. She needs people who will never put her in a position where she feels like she's not good enough for them, or can't please them by being who she is, or is somehow inadequate. If she respects the person and feels like she isn't good enough for them, it will kill her. Rather than shifting blame to others, she puts it all on herself. She will hate herself for not being good enough.
She hates being called crazy or any derivative of that. She is not weird or a fruitcake or any form of that word. People who call her names like that don't understand her. There's no such thing as it just being a joke because it's not funny. This is her life and mode of being that you are insulting. It's not the way most people live. That's why people call her names. People dislike what they don't understand. If you call her names, she'll shut you out of her life. There are no second chances. She doesn't forgive.
Be careful with her. She's fragile, delicate. If she loves you, you'll be the luckiest person in the world. If you hurt her, she'll remember it. Be careful with your words around her. Just one moment with your lips and she'll write you off- because she can't be around people who are toxic to her soul. She's had her share of toxic people. In general, she doesn't trust people at all. She trusts God.
That's my portrait of our bruised girl. She's always going to be hurting; it can't be undone. You can just choose to be a person who hurts her further or who is special, different, in a world where she has learned not to expect too much- or anything. To be loved by her is to bask in a light so brilliant and so beautiful that it blinds the eyes of everyone else. But very few are truly loved by her. It's a rare honor and it's earned- and most people, by virtue of the ideals they choose to uphold, will never be able to be the kind that she can love.