my poor aylmer

I had a waking dream that I was climbing up the rungs to You.
I decided I didn't want to be here anymore.
That's it- enough- I'm tired of it- let's go back.
Back to You.
But my feet were bloodied and the rungs of the ladder turned into thorns.
And I thought that was obscene because our religion isn't Christianity.
So why should I be climbing on crowns of thorns to reach you?
And then my bloodied feet gave way; they were wrapped in strips of gauze
and I was falling, much like the lead singer in 'Evanescence' in that video of hers,
"Bring Me To Life." Remember it?
And as I was falling, suddenly the world flashed by in silver, and the dust of heaven seemed like so many stars to me. And I reached out for it, as though to anchor myself. And I caught hold of a star.
And there I was, hanging on a star in the middle of your sky.
I started laughing at the sheer absurdity of it.
And the strains of violin music from "Let Me Fall" came on, in addition to Josh Groban's crooning and I laughed for another moment before I let go.
I landed on solid ground. It was quiet. There were scars on my feet.
I'm walking to nowhere. You know that; I know that. And nonetheless, the fierceness of your pleasure in this totally unimportant task is consuming. And you won't let me climb up the rungs to you- not yet.
I keep on living in anticipation of your changing your mind.
But in the meantime, since you haven't, I'm improvising my own ladder.
Got the tutu of a five-year-old girl's ballet skirt and the shoes off a fisherman in a storybook.
If I pile them up high enough, maybe I will get back to You someday.
Maybe early. (That's what I'm hoping for.)
If only there were another vainglorious man willing to remove the hand-shaped birthmark from my face...
I'd slip away so quietly no one would know I was gone.