It must be entertaining to watch your fractured daughter walk around trying to make sense of everything. Every day I fight out what I must think as opposed to what I would think if You didn't exist. Take away my religion and I get to be a good person - someone who includes everybody, who is kind to everybody, who doesn't have to see people as those struggling with sin. But at the same time, I believe You exist. That is the only reason I do anything- because I believe You exist. If I didn't, why in the world would I refrain from the seductively beautiful inclusive belief that calls to me? Lost and insecure, you found me.
People find it odd that I'm fractured into Chana the American Citizen and Chana the Orthodox Jew and they're not the same person. Well, they can't be. There's everything I personally believe and then there is what I must believe since I must surrender to You. I don't believe that the government has any right to act in a paternalistic fashion and define what a marriage is or is not. If there's a separation of church and state, that ought to actually exist in truth, not just in name. So if they gave me a ballot asking if we should legalize gay marriage, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. This is aside from the fact that I think everyone should be treated equally to begin with. I'm an LGBTQ ally in disguise, with a little problem called that's forbidden to me...because I'm Orthodox.
Guess there are some people who are one or the other. Either they are a Jew or not. I can't be that way. There are two worlds and they are both equally alluring. In fact, if anything, it's the other world that I prefer. Except then there's You. There's my belief in You and your law. Do you think I like trying to explain laws I would prefer not to believe in to a class of people who think I'm crazy because of it? And worse, do you think I like failing? Then I feel like I've failed You. You're the only one I'd do it for, and I haven't even done a convincing job for You. Worse, I've offered people misconceptions in the name of my religion. I'm the token Jew and I haven't even done a good job representing You. And in a strange, irrational twist, just to flavor everything else, that's what makes me feel sad.
So I wake up exhausted and go to bed exhausted and I resent this line You make me walk, and I hate having to shelve my own ideas and thoughts in order to accept Yours, and damn it, I would prefer to be anything but the way you want me, but that's the way it goes, isn't it? That's the way it goes and I haven't got a choice. I don't understand the law and I certainly can't love it the way other people do (you made me far too emotionally responsive for that to be the case) but I do respect it; therein you have my service.