Tonight The Little Old Lady is making a Chanukah party. It will be lovely and happy and the children shall enjoy it. And there will be digital frames and other lovely things and she still will not tell me what she desires. I wish I knew it so I could give it to her. I do not believe it is a material thing. She is not one for the physical, my lady of spirit. I salute her because I wish to be her when it is my time.
It's the festival of lights, the one creation above all others that should resonate with my soul, and I ought to be happy, oughtn't I? But all I can think of are the people I miss.
My grandfather died on the fourth night of Chanukah. I miss him. I wonder what he would make of me if he saw me today. Would I please him?
"Who are you? No idea. I want to be whatever your eyes will see in me, yes. And if you are too frightened to look- then maybe I will be."
~page 39 of Be My Knife by David Grossman
But do I really want to be what I see in your eyes? I think I would rather be myself and have your eyes reflect an entirely different universe, as it happens in The Last Unicorn, eyes that have never seen anything but beauty, even the terrible, dark kind that haunts us. And whose eyes do I speak of, anyway? How many eyes can capture us...people see so very little.
"We could be like two people who inject themselves with truth serum and at long last have to tell it, the truth. I want to be able to say to myself, 'I bled truth to her' yes, that's what I want. Be a knife for me, and I, I swear, will be a knife for you: sharp but compassionate, your word, not mine. I didn't even remember that such a delicate soft tone was allowed in the world, of a word with no skin (if you say it aloud a few times, you can feel salty hard earth as water starts pushing through its veins). You're tired, I will force myself to say good night."
-Be My Knife by David Grossman, page 8
Do I want such knives? I have bled enough.
9 comments:
wow yes
cma,
I don't understand your comment. To what are you answering, "Wow, yes?" And what does CMA stand for?
Happy Hanukah Chana!
I miss him [Grandpa]. I wonder what he would make of me if he saw me today. Would I please him?
The answer is yes, Grandpa would be more than please with you. Why would he not be? Why would you think otherwise?
The Cousin,
I don't know. Don't you ever get the feeling that somehow you don't or wouldn't live up to other people's expectations of you? I wonder sometimes if Grandpa would be happy with me since I'm not doing anything math-related or becoming a doctor or anything like that...
I don't know. Don't you ever get the feeling that somehow you don't or wouldn't live up to other people's expectations of you?
Yes. Being the hyper self-critical person that I am, there are times when I am disappointed that I don't live up to my own explanations. Alas, one must strive to at least live up to their own personal expectations--those of others should take a back seat.
Nor do I think Grandpa would've been disappointed in you for not pursuing a "hard science" or math-related field. Rather, I think he would be very proud of your accomplishments.
The Cousin,
For the record, I love you. For lots of reasons, but especially for thinking that's true, that Grandpa would be happy with me.
The self-critical thing is something we have in common...
Remember the burger night during shiva? All the family eating burgers? It was a nice moment- you were so helpful and awesome. I was so happy you were there.
The self-critical thing is something we have in common...
That and a love of reading books! (I'm wondering if there is some sort of genetics behind it).
Remember the burger night during shiva? All the family eating burgers? It was a nice moment- you were so helpful and awesome. I was so happy you were there.
Which of the burger nights--as I think we had two of them. Both of them were awesome (I use the term "awesome" loosely secondary to the surrounding events of the time)
I only remember this since it was really the last time I can recall eating a hamburger on a bun (a few days later back in Cleveland my mom took me to a weight watchers meeting...but that's another story).
the excerpts resonate as fragments...
"yes" they resonate
something about how other people percieve you-- this is something the occupies my thought.
as do other fragments: how you see me, truth, beauty, frightening, when you don't look I am me, each others knives, naked/no skin= extremely vulnerable...
cma are my initials
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