Dear God,
You gave me strength today. A kind of calm, a peace I haven't had for a while now. I'm not sure why You decided now would be the time, but I appreciate it and I hope it lasts.
What I've realized of late is that if I'll never forget my friend, and I don't wish to, what I must ensure is that the memories are a blessing rather than something that wounds. I've been so focused upon the part that hurts that I haven't thought about the beauty. And there's so much beauty. There's so much good! Sometimes you grant me clarity to see that, but it flees so rapidly. I wish You could make it so that I kept that with me always. Then I could walk outside and look at everything with joy. I'd see Your sky, Your dwelling place, and smile. Wherever I went, I would go there happily.
In other news, I am surprised and moved that my children remember my name even when I don't remember theirs. The significance of remembering a name suggests that the name meant something to you. So I want to thank you for that. And for ten-hundred o'clock, the fifteenth floor of the apartment, "are you an artist?," riding on trains, using stilts as popcorn and candy buckets, and the fact that I am a commodity who should "sit next to me!" That makes me feel loved. And I appreciate that, God. Thus I thank you for it.
This calm is such a blessing. A kind of peace, a warmth, like a child who walks out of their bath and is wrapped in a hooded thick terrycloth towel and dried off. I used to do that for the boys. I remember them, so adorable with their deep brown eyes and matted wet hair. Dustfinger and I used to give them baths. In any case, this calm is a really good thing. Even if it only lasts for today, though of course I hope it lasts longer than that.
A memory occurs to me. "Hi! Are you smiling?" I love that. I love the insinuation there, that if I hadn't been smiling my friend would have figured out a way to make me smile. Wonderful friend of chicken soup and pizza-and-napkins on trains fame. And in the calm that You've granted me, those are happy thoughts. In fact, I'm back to my natural state- the one where I'm full of joy- at least for today. That's such a precious gift. Thank you, God!
So I'll take Your hand and we'll go walking since there are so many wondrous sights for me yet to see...a little girl am I and You shall hold my hand. I trust You, you see, and I believe, even if I cannot figure it out, that You have a plan for me. Somehow, some way, You will make it be okay.
Love from your,
Chana
5 comments:
This is a gourgeous post!
"Everybody should have his personal sounds to listen for - sounds that will make him exhilarated and alive or quiet and calm."
-Andre Kostelanetz
'This calm is a really good thing even if it only lasts for today, though of course I hope it lasts longer than that' - No one is gauranteed calm or happiness from day to day. However, you seem to be assuming that calm or joy just come and go and are beyod your control. In fact it is something you decide on. Perhaps not instantly, after all a person (and circumstances in said persons' life) has cultivated, over years, a way of thinking and feeling. But, you can decide to be happy, feel calm and joy each day, and then work on cultivating these traits in yourself. For example, you can choose to think thoughts that enable you to be happy, as well as catch yourself when you are thinking thoughts that you have identified as counterproductive or led you to unhappiness or worry. Another example, make sure you thing positive things about yourself, the world, your future, and God, before you go to sleep; because the thoughts that a person thinks, especially before they sleep, are reviewed by the brain during the night and enter the subconcious as defacto percieved truths, and thus effect the way aperson percieves things. The point I am making here is that you are not powerless; you have a soul that is a part of God (so to speak/in human termas of speech). You have the ability to make yourself happy by identifying for yourself the pattern of thoughts and actions that make you unhappy as well as those that make you happy, and then working to cultivate the corract patterns in the manner listed above. Victor Frankel ( Holocaust surviovor and Dr. - look up wikipedia if don't know him) has a wonderful quote in a book of his entitled 'Mans Search For Meaning' - continued below (this may take a while I want to find the exact qoute as he words it lol).
Got it - Victor Frankel - 'The freedom of life is that no matter what situation a person finds himself in, that he has the ability to choose what attitude to go through this situation with'. Now, if not to immediately choose then at least to cultivate within themself the correct pattern so as to make it so, over time, better and better. Anyways, the point is, you're in control(with your infinite soul)of, as Frankel puts it, your attitudes and thus choices; you are not a mere victim of circumstance floating through the ethers waiting for said mood or said mood to arise within you; rather you can decide and choose and cultivate.
found beauty where I was looking, thanks again Chana
never betray (lack faithfullness) to your beauty!
joy and clarity ... can they everstay?
though I wish to wish you this
I think eternal comfort?
sounds morbidly monotonous
forgive me for withholding blessing tonight.
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