You gave me strength today. A kind of calm, a peace I haven't had for a while now. I'm not sure why You decided now would be the time, but I appreciate it and I hope it lasts.
What I've realized of late is that if I'll never forget my friend, and I don't wish to, what I must ensure is that the memories are a blessing rather than something that wounds. I've been so focused upon the part that hurts that I haven't thought about the beauty. And there's so much beauty. There's so much good! Sometimes you grant me clarity to see that, but it flees so rapidly. I wish You could make it so that I kept that with me always. Then I could walk outside and look at everything with joy. I'd see Your sky, Your dwelling place, and smile. Wherever I went, I would go there happily.
In other news, I am surprised and moved that my children remember my name even when I don't remember theirs. The significance of remembering a name suggests that the name meant something to you. So I want to thank you for that. And for ten-hundred o'clock, the fifteenth floor of the apartment, "are you an artist?," riding on trains, using stilts as popcorn and candy buckets, and the fact that I am a commodity who should "sit next to me!" That makes me feel loved. And I appreciate that, God. Thus I thank you for it.
This calm is such a blessing. A kind of peace, a warmth, like a child who walks out of their bath and is wrapped in a hooded thick terrycloth towel and dried off. I used to do that for the boys. I remember them, so adorable with their deep brown eyes and matted wet hair. Dustfinger and I used to give them baths. In any case, this calm is a really good thing. Even if it only lasts for today, though of course I hope it lasts longer than that.
A memory occurs to me. "Hi! Are you smiling?" I love that. I love the insinuation there, that if I hadn't been smiling my friend would have figured out a way to make me smile. Wonderful friend of chicken soup and pizza-and-napkins on trains fame. And in the calm that You've granted me, those are happy thoughts. In fact, I'm back to my natural state- the one where I'm full of joy- at least for today. That's such a precious gift. Thank you, God!
So I'll take Your hand and we'll go walking since there are so many wondrous sights for me yet to see...a little girl am I and You shall hold my hand. I trust You, you see, and I believe, even if I cannot figure it out, that You have a plan for me. Somehow, some way, You will make it be okay.
Love from your,