'Ware the spoilers.
Bambi gone wrong.
England has suddenly become a small town named Forks.
VerySexyBella arrives. VerySexyBella is suddenly solicited by the Geek, the Jock, and ignored by Edward Cullen, Mr. Mysterious.
VerySexyBella has biology class with the Mystery Man. His jaw muscles tighten when she walks in and he contorts his face as though he smells something bad. VerySexyBella wonders whether her perfume has gone skeevy on her, and smells her hair. Mystery Man chokes back a sigh of longing and dashes out of class.
More teenage angst
Nemesis Wolf-Man (nee Jacob) hangs around with VerySexyBella. Mystery Man doesn't like this.
VerySexyBella has her life saved by Mystery Dude, who later seems to regret it.
VerySexyBella hangs out with MysteryDude, whom she has identified as a Vampire. Lots of painfully bad dialogue ensues, including takeoffs from the Garden of Eden and Snow White. At this point in time, Edward morphs into Tarzan and jumps around a lot of trees. To make it all perfectly fantastic, we steal from Rip Van Winkle and play baseball (no longer bowling) during thunderstorms.
VerySexyBella is in danger and has a "hurt him to save him" moment with her dad.
VerySexyBella goes off at breakneck speak to hurtle into danger. Later on, there is a ripoff of Harry Potter & the Sirius Black scene with a VerySexyBella & her Mom scene instead. However, rather than the Department of Mysteries, we have a Ballet Studio. Not as cool. At all.
Edward/Tarzan arrives on the scene and saves Bella's life, then almost kills her (that heroin blood will getcha every time.) He regrets this for about....two minutes, but then assures her, in her hospital bed, that it's all going to be fine.
Werewolf Guy (Nemesis Wolf-Man, nee Jacob) has been paid by his father to tell VerySexyBella to break up with her undead boyfriend, which she refuses to do. VerySexyBella's love affair with her would-be-murderer continues at the prom, where he dances with her (more ripoff from the Yule Ball. Tarzan, you've got yourself confused with Diggory).
Woman who has clearly killed Iorek and wears his panda white skin as her trophy (unless she's masquerading as Narnia's White Witch) comes sweeping down the stairs with ill intent, clearly paving the way to sequel movies 2, 3, 4 and god knows how many more
insert fangirls: *swoon*
insert audience: holy crap, I can't believe I paid $12.50 for this ticket
insert moviemakers: haha, we hauled in a bunch of fangirls with this sheer and utter trash
insert cleolinda jones: i am going to make a rocking movies in 15 minutes out of "twilight"
insert guys: *scanning movie theater approvingly* this is totally the pickup place for all the hot girls
insert me: why the hell didn't they make a movie out of amelia atwater-rhodes' freaking beautiful vampire books?