Flirting in Russian (aka Sam is Awesome)

So I have this excellent friend Sam. He's not Jewish, he obviously doesn't go to school with me and he is great and highly entertaining. So today he informed me that I am unique because "i suppose the fact that you are always interested in what i have to say, always and that the interest you convey never seems to be false, that and plus all the flirtatious funny stuff adds to it." Which was supremely nice of him, especially since I wasn't in a particularly good mood.

Being an awesome friend, he therefore decided that he was going to make Russian fun for me and we embarked upon this highly ridiculous conversation. It is awesome. And I am in the best mood ever.

Samuel: MNE OCHEN NRAVITSYA ZHENSHEENA
me: you are very pretty (no wait, that's krasivaya) something____
hmm. don't know what that one means
Samuel: WOMEN ARE VERY PLEASING TO ME
me: LOL. that is fantastic.
Samuel: haha
me: Вы - мой друг (to address you formally) otherwise we can make it tbl
Samuel: tbl eta moya malenkaya koshka (if this isnt flirtatious i dont know what is)
me: you are my ____ ____. don't know what malenkaya koshka means
Samuel: lol. now im laughing. little cat
me: hahaha! that is wonderful! I shall be a little cat and you, why you...tbl moy balshoi sabaka balshaya, maybe b/c sabaka feminine? not sure. now you are a dog. perhaps even a female dog. haha. or I could make you "reba" in which case you are fish
Samuel: LOL big dog hahahaha
me: maybe "sacar" instead. you can be my sugar- ha, that's flirtatious. or caxap, and be ketchup instead
Samuel: O.o HAHAHAHHAHA
me: I think I like sugar best
Samuel: lol lets go down the list- sugar n spice n' everything nice
me: or I could just say ya lublu sam -is there a word for like or only a word for love in russian?
Samuel: or this is probably the soviety version "IN SOVIET RUSSIA MEN ARE MADE WITH IRON OF EARTH, AND WOMEN ARE MADE OF SULFURIC ACID MAKING THEM STRONG AND HARDY"
me: and this is why olivia is not a russian woman
Samuel: lol
me: because she doesn't belong in chemical testubes. she would be very sad to find herself there and might cry
Samuel: haha. well, i know that "ya lublio tebye" is i i love you
me: instead she hangs out with hilariously funny people who claim that she is made out of odorous chemicals. yup
Samuel: lol i didnt say that
me: so you did! let's see what else I know how to say. hmm. patamushata! means because
Samuel: SHTO STABOY
me: let's see, kto means who, so shto means what. what does staboy mean?
Samuel: whats with you
me: kak de la?
Samuel: no. a.) what are sick with b.) what the heck is wrong with you (like are u a goofball)
me: I like b because I"m not sick. and hell yeah, I'm a goofball -I am the queen of goofballs vecherom is evening -ya gavarit i sam b vecherom
Samuel: uhhh
me: hehehe. that is severly mangled
Samuel: i talk to sam with night
me: LOL
Samuel: vecherom is night
me: I meant in the night
Samuel: lol
me: during the night
Samuel: haha
me: doesn't b/ na mean in or during?
Samuel: lol a friend in my class made a ring tone "MOSHET Bblt YA BoodOO PEET VODKA ILI PEEVO"
me: sam sleushal charosho
Samuel: MABYE TONITE I WILL DRINK BEER OR VODKA
me: oh LOL. kem tbl choshesh bblt?
Samuel: i dont know what that means
me: what do you want to be? profession wise (I think, anyway) kem is apparently supposed to mean that. ya pisala [to] sam [at] vecherom
Samuel: i hochoo tvoya chelovek. that made no sense
me: what did you answer? I don't understand
Samuel: wait wiat
me: (I wrote to sam at night? past tense?)
Samuel: i hochoo boodoo tvoya chelovek
me: so that means: "I want to be your _____?"
Samuel: man
me: LOL. I am loving this
Samuel: da. ya toshe
me: "I also." hehe. okay, so let me think how to respond to that
Samuel: indeed
me: ya chatchoo boodoo (what does boodoo mean?) tvoya padrooga. can I say that? not sure
Samuel: boodoo is the future first person to be verb
me: ah, so I didn't learn that yet
Samuel: i want to be your girlfriend?
me: yup pretty much, since you said "i want to be your man" i had to respond in kind
Samuel: OCHEN HOWOSHO
me: I just luaghed out loud. HA.
Samuel: LOL
me: kagda tbl gavarish [with] olivioo? (I assume it changes to oo because it is after a verb)
Samuel: when do you talk with olivia ?
me: yup. I am just asking random quesitons now before finding out more flirtatious things to add to my fun list of things
Samuel: lol. hmm
me: shto tbl delal vechera dnem?
Samuel: lets see we've gone from cats and dogs to sugar n spice to sulfur
sit naked in my room writing poetry
me: haha, you're kididng me
Samuel: da
me: whom do you have to write poetry to, is the question
who is sam's secret love
Samuel: tbl
me: ;-)
Samuel: LOL
me: I am so enterrtained
Samuel: Sam eta гладкий c zhenshuuna
*eena
me: I don't know what that means. too advanced for me
Samuel: sam is smooth with the ladies
me: HA
Samuel: tbl znaesh? da tbl znaesh
me: do you understand? yes, you understand. ha
Samuel: who is sam's secret love eh? ya ne znaio
me: nope, I don't know
Samuel: tbl znaesh...:)
me: I do? kto eta?
Samuel: eta... eta.... ... TBL!!!!!!!!
me: LOL sam, you crack me up
Samuel: da. sam lyche goofball, chem tbl
me: you realize you have completely teased me out of my formerly bad mood? I so appreciate it
Samuel: i know, though that wasnt what i was going for
me: it wasn't?
Samuel: no. well kinda.
me: bolshaya y vac cembya? what were you going for, then? I've actually never asked you that- if you have a big or small family. now I am curious
Samuel: to have fun
me: excellent -you accomplished that. I shall have to hone my russian flirting skills. shto bbl delaete: rabotaete, yntaete [or] odvixaete? (actually a really fun way to practice- flirt in russian! huzzah! interspersed with vodka and alcohol references! party over IM)
Samuel: brb real quick
me: sam chintal, pisal, rabotal [and] sleushal. gde? b komnate. b universitetye.
Samuel: LOL. goof you are
me: tbl lublesh medsestra? ya delayet domashnee zadanye [with] sam [over IM[ otkooda tbl pre'echal? ya prechala iz chicago (not really, but...)
Samuel: ahhhhhh
me: ? you never answered whether you love the nurse. I was busy creating a soap opera with the medsestra and you were silent
Samuel: LOL. THATS WHAT U SAID????
me: pochemoo tbl choshesh znat ruski yazik? didn't I say "tbl lubesh medsestra" i.e. you love the nurse?
Samuel: fook rusky yazik
me: I am pretty certain "fook" is not a swear in russian ;-) you can say plocho, though
Samuel: hmm. eedoo na uxhot means go on a dick ie go fuck youself
me: on bolen (oh dear, you're sick)
Samuel: LOL
me: it would be on bolen for he is sick. I mean in this case tbl bolen, don't I?
Samuel: ya ne znaio
me: tbl idiesh [with me] doma? (i.e. you will go with me home?) shto tbl lyovesh? (by which I think I mean, what do you love to do?)
Samuel: DA. MNE OCHEN NRAVEETSYA.

This is how I should always do my homework. Make it fun and make it silly and I'm bound to be so much happier in the end. Mangling the Russian language with friends is so much fun. Sam, you rock my world.