Thursday, August 12, 2010

Tales of an Entertained Bride

So folks, I'm a bride! Yes, a bride, a maiden soon to be wed, which is variously exciting and fascinating and peculiar. I have discovered wonderful artifacts of clothing that are sold specifically for brides and find myself wishing I could own them. I have talked to pretty salesladies of every age and ethnicity, conferred about shoes and pranced about endlessly. That's the way my cookie crumbles, after all!

Some intriguing observations:

Invariably, every single bridal store I enter informs me that I am the rare exception to the rule because I am happy. Yes, happy to be wed to my soon-to-be husband. It seems their normal clientele is stressed to the point that they forget this is a joyous occasion. I refuse to be stressed to that point by simply ignoring whatever needs to be done. An amusing, if flawed strategy.

I have been offered every method known to man to slim down before my wedding. Facebook tells me about diets and women in stores try to sell me all sorts of contraptions. Does it occur to no one that if the man asked to marry me knowing my size and weight he hardly wishes me to go on some sort of crash diet for his sake? He did use his eyes, now did he not?

In any case, my particular life is such that I chose my bridal gown and selected our lodgings exactly two days prior to my flying out to camp. It was complicated to attempt to offer my say on wedding decisions whilst being forbidden to use a cell phone openly, but I managed it. (Doubtless my years of Bais Yaakov training, with cell phones hidden in bathrooms, aided me.)

In terms of what I do with my everyday life, let us just say that in large part it is completely unconnected to my status as bride, and it makes me laugh when people assume that brides are incapable of using brain space for any other projects during their career as Lady in White. Speaking of which, I finished reading The Woman in White and enjoyed it very much. I'm on a bit of a classics kick; anyone have some new ones to recommend? (Beware, I've read most of them.)

At some point I should detail for you the extremely unique dates that Heshy and I have embarked upon. They range from attending shechitas to wandering through Pomegranate in Brooklyn (it was an exploratory date, and as there were no rain forests, this was considered a good second choice), hanging out with homeless people on the subway, arguing about "Inception," getting arrested (or rather, summoned to criminal court) in Central Park, taking standardized tests and all manner of fun peculiarities that confuse others and delight us.

In any case, onward bound to argue with credit card companies and claim that yes, I do exist, and yes, this is in fact my address.

Have a blessed day, as Jay the Subway Preacher would say.


Jewish Atheist said...


RT said...

Fascinated to learn your point of view on things. Sounds like you are having fun!

Here is your new reading list:

Medea (Euripides);
Agamemnon (Aeschylus);
The Black Arrow (1888) Robert Louis Stevenson;
Mysteries of Paris (1842) Eugene Sue;
The Lady of the Lake (1810) Sir Walter Scott;
The Black Tulip (1850) Alexandre Dumas;
The Queen's Necklace (1849) Alexandre Dumas;
A Death in the Family James Agee;
The Fantastic Voyage Isaac Asimov;
Light a Single Candle B. Balter;
Dandelion Wine Ray Bradbury;
To Sir with Love E.R. Braithwaite;
The Stranger Albert Camus;
The Slave Dancer Paula Fox;
The Downfall (1892) Emile Zola

These should keep you busy for a week or so. Enjoy!

The Cousin said...

Huzzah for another one of Chana's amusing posts!
[Something sunny on this rainy day--as I'm stuck in the proverbial "Lion's Den"]

Glad to hear you're amused with everything. From working in an office surrounded by females, yes, you are an exception to the rule with your wedding. [That combined with the stories I hear from The Sister].

I have been offered every method known to man to slim down before my wedding. Facebook tells me about diets and women in stores try to sell me all sorts of contraptions

I think I'll speak for many when I say that you definitely do not need to lose weight! [Lest alone on one of those silly crash diets that are more about the seller lining their pockets then the dieter's success]. Okay?

As for "Facebook's intelligent ad algorithm"...I give it credit for making me laugh.

Please do share more of the fun stories about you and your fiancee!

Rabba bar bar Chana said...

The Woman in White is excellent, with some minor flaws that annoy my 21st century sensibilities. The main one is, Walter should have been with Marion. He had a real connection with her. So what if her face wasn’t beautiful? He had a much deeper connection with her than Laura. But of course, in Victorian times, the child-like and delicate Laura would be considered the real prize.

If you're into Wilkie Collins, you should really read The Moonstone. It's essentially a great detective novel before that was really a genre. And an underrated Collins work is "No Name", which is harder to come by, but the characters and their machinations are amazingly drawn. The main young lady there is very flawed, but is a woman of action, unusual for the time. If you can't find it anywhere else, it's available for free download on

Mazal Tov on your upcoming marriage and stay happy and un-stressed!

Rabba bar bar Chana said...

BTW, when I saw the title of your post, I thought you had already just gotten married and the title referred to the “keytzad merakdim lifnei hakallah” dancing.

Josh said...

So will Heshy be joining you in the Heights, or are you two moving to a different community?

Anonymous said...

The cheery-Chana posts always make me happy. :-)

There are many other dates people would find amusing, like the one where we got stuck in a glass elevator. lol


Sarah said...

Classics you've probably read:

The Railway Children
Johnny Tremain
Young Fu of the Upper Yangtze

Sarah said...

Another classic:

Death Comes for the Archbishop

shualah elisheva said...

russian anything. camus stole "the fall" from dostoevsky's "notes from underground," so for existentialism, i'd start there.

also, "the master and margarita".

with russian novels, i suggest the pevear and volokhonsky translations. top notch.

Charlie Hall said...

Mazel Tov!