Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Things That Are Not On My Radar During Decorative Gourd Season

I am a bride. Possibly an unconventional one at that, but a bride nonetheless, and ye shall hear me roar.

1. Wigs. Are not the "desire of every kallah and her mother." Get a new tagline.

2. On the most recent episode of "Grey's Anatomy," Meredith remarked that her uterus is hostile. You know what else is hostile? Every frum store that sells beautiful, formal clothing, lingerie stores, shoe stores- you name it. Why? Because invariably they close at 5 or 5:30 or they're open till 7 but they're very far away in Brooklyn and thus inaccessible. They're hostile because they clearly don't take into account that there are people who work and are busy from 9-5. Actually, busy from 7:30-6ish if you factor in commutes. Therefore, those people can't get to your store/ boutique especially because you choose not to be open on Sundays.

3. I know that this will come as a positive shock to you, but I don't care about every fourth-cousin-once-removed who is in your family tree line. In short, if they can't understand me and are not likely to become my friend, it's highly unlikely that I will remember their names. I remember people who made an impression on me (read: people with whom I had a meaningful conversation), not faces.

4. I'm SICK OF THE FACEBOOK ADS that are geared toward engaged couples! They're so annoying. I want to punch the woman who consistently shows up on the righthand side of my facebook inquiring "Are you engaged?"

5. In my perfect world, people would actually give logical, clear, thought-through instructions that they do not choose to contradict moments later. It would be most exciting if this were to happen sometime in the near future.

6. If one more person remarks on shallow material things that I'm going to get, Heshy's going to get or that someone is dissatisfied we didn't get or decides we shouldn't get, I will absolutely scream. For example, this post is beyond awful because it demonstrates that the man has no idea what goes into a marriage or what he should be feeling for his wife; he's too busy being jealous of her possessions. It is shocking that your immediate reaction to hearing I'm engaged is "Oh, you're going to get so many nice things."

7. Dear People Who Flip Out About Nothing: A woman tore my incredibly expensive bridal veil while I was trying it on in the fitting room. I am talking about a foot-sized-hole where expensive fabric should be. I did not flip out about it. I simply stated that I would not be purchasing the new veil and either she or the store would be doing so. If I did not flip out about that, you certainly don't need to flip out about minutia. Calm down now.


1. It's decorative gourd season! It's time to carve and shellac some pumpkins and get the creative juices flowing.

2. All the ingredients for the creation of French Toast are currently sitting in my fridge.

3. My job includes asking people to donate $1000 prizes to my organization. It's a lot of fun.

4. Heshy came over and, with the assistance of his friend, built 2 bookcases, one chair, 1 kitchen cart, 1 four-wheeled cart, 1 curio and disassembled and disposed of numerous cardboard boxes over the weekend. This was thrilling. My future husband is amazing.

5. It smells like pizza in my office.

6. A blind man from Spain called me "Madame" and it was really exciting.

7. My shoes have sequins on them. They're sparkly. I love sparkly shoes.

8. I was warm when I woke up this morning! The heating works in my apartment, praise be to God.

9. They're showing "Killing Kazstner" at YU tomorrow night and I'm really looking forward to seeing it.

10. It's almost winter and that means it's almost my birthday and time for my Birthday Masquerade!

11. I bet most people don't get to have three different versions of their wedding invitation. This is very unique. Also ludicrous, but mostly unique.

12. It's kind of fun to say I'm marrying a man who will walk around with a big furry wrap on his head, kind of as if he got confused and decided the mink stole that belonged to his wife really ought to perch precariously atop his hair.



Anonymous said...

An entertaining post! Thanks.

shualah elisheva said...

i recently got engaged, as well [b''h], and i have to say kol hakavod on your post. more people need to read it.

The Cousin said...

"Decorative Gourd Season"

Priceless! Brilliant!

Elitzur said...

Being engaged is the worst... It gets better after that...

Shades of Grey said...

Based on experience, I totally agree list 1. List 2 is hilarious.

Just out of curiosity, since when is shellac-ing part of the process of carving a pumpkin?

Anonymous said...

I think I am going to puke.
Get over yourself!!!
Regarding comment#7, see your comment #2. Also, purchasing a new veil, that IS minutia.

Chana said...

Anon 4:34,

Clearly you're angry, though I'm not sure what about. Obviously there are always the people dying in Rwanda, starving to death, being murdered, beaten, stabbed, divorced, raped, etc. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel unless something that bad happens to me.

If you think that's the case, doubtless it's something you were told and chose to accept- I'm sorry that's how things are for you.

laura said...

i think there may be a middle ground here. while i do not condone anonymous's comments in the slightest, i may sort of understand the sentiment expressed. of course, chana, you have the right to be upset about little things that annoy and frustrate you, but it is the tone, i believe, that offends. your tone is very harsh and sarcastic, perhaps unnecessarily so, as well as slightly superior. you're a wonderful, intelligent person who is loved by many, and this post does not change that fact. however, i understand why it might irk some to hear you rant in such a seemingly demanding and arrogant fashion. of course, this is your blog and you may say whatever you want to in whatever way you choose. no one is being forced to read this--yet that still does not change the way that the post sounds, and the ensuing negativity that a reader might feel. (clearly, that negativity should not be expressed as anon expressed it. but regarding the veil...he sort of has a valid point, and it sounds like you were quite firm and inflexible about it, flipping out notwithstanding.)

Chana said...


"your tone is very harsh and sarcastic, perhaps unnecessarily so, as well as slightly superior."

I honestly don't know where you see this- can you parse the post and clarify to me?

laura said...

generally, the fact that you took the time and space to enumerate your many complaints.

then, for instance:
-the fact that you take the hours (or lack thereof) of frummie stores as a personal affront

-'I know that this will come as a positive shock to you, but I don't care about every fourth-cousin-once-removed who is in your family tree line.'

-being so annoyed by facebook ads geared toward engaged people that you want to *punch* the woman?

-the condescending/sarcastic tone of your comment regarding clear instructions.

-the irony of complaining about people who flip out about nothing while taking an extremely aggressive tone regarding many issues which could easily be perceived as 'nothing.'

to reiterate, this is not a personal attack...i am merely pointing out a few things in your post that some might find antagonistic.

Chana said...


interesting. I meant merely to list my frustrations in a place where they don't hurt others, but I see where you're coming from re: tone. interesting.