Friday, April 24, 2009

Fantastic Things That Make Me Happy

My father has informed me I need to have a positive mental attitude. So I have decided to create the CHEER-UP Chana Brigade, which will consist of various funny or amusing things that have happened or occurred to me of late. And all of you should feel free to add happymaking things to this list as well, and so we shall all be cheered simultaneously!


Birkat HaChama

Let's begin by describing Birkat HaChama in Chicago. You see, we all woke up at 6:00 in the morning to do it. Then, we traipsed out to the huge open fields by the JCC, behind the assisted living apartment and Winston Towers, to smile up at everyone in the cold (because it was freezing in Chicago over Pesach.) There were 1500 people, a live band, and a mechitza made by interweaving DO NOT CROSS THE POLICE LINE yellow tape around two stands that normally function to hold up volleyball nets. Off of all this I coined the catchphrase: "1500 ppl, live band, DO NOT CROSS THE POLICE LINE mechitza- Chicago: We do Birkat HaChama In Style."

For a stylish Birkat HaChama experience, choose Chicago 28 years from now- and vote for us to host the Olympic Games, too!


Dancing in the Kitchen

Dustfinger: *starts dancing in the kitchen*
Me: okay
Dustfinger: *starts dancing with me*
Me: okay
Dustfinger: I think I’ve started picking up some of your spunk

The Sinning Spoons

(after I have announced my impending irritability)
Dustfinger: yeah, I don’t know why she is depressed all of a sudden
Dustfinger: irritable, not depressed, my bad, irritable!
Mother: *shakes head*
Me: *washes dishes*
Mother: wash dishes
Me: I did!
Mother: And what about the two milchig spoons in the sink? Did they sin?
Me: *grumpy look* yes


Madlib Your Mood

I feel ______ today because I have to go ______ to look at __________. On the one hand, this is fun, but on the other hand, this is ________. There is also the problem of my _______ and whether I should pluck them for the upcoming _______ or leave them to attain a lovely shape.


The iSorry Application

In China, they have professional apologizers. I have created the iSorry iPod application to take care of that for you.

The iSorry allows you to send a pre-made voice-recorded apology to your lover/ friend's phone. It will download automatically to their phone and play. Here are some sample messages:

1. Hey Sweetie, I'm sorry I cheated on you the other night. It was a drunk booty call and she means nothing to me and I love yoooou (segue to romantic Titanic music)

2. Hey Darling, just called to say I'm sorry about the dog leaving its business on the floor this morning; I know this wasn't the best start to your morning.

3. Hey Cupcake, just wanted you to know that I wanted to say sorry, but with the economic crisis decided to do it this way, which goes 0.10 cents per message, as opposed to buying you flowers, which costs $10.00. Aren't you proud of my money-saving ethic?

4. Hey *insert male name here*, I'm so sorry I wasn't home last night when you came by; I had a doctor's appointment (yeah, sure you did) and I would love to make it up to you.


The Clown Protest

If not for the fact that I am going uptown today, I would totally be doing THIS instead:

*NYC Protest at the UN –*
*We will go as clowns!*
Demonstrate that the Durban II Conference was a circus*
Friday, April 24, 2009**
*12:00pm - 1:00pm

United Nations Headquarters42nd and 1st AVENew York, NY We will go to the UN wearing clown wigs and red nosesIf the UN and the world use the Durban II conference on racism as a facadefor attacking Israel and Jews, we are obligated to defend Israel againstfalse accusations and double standards.We MUST also feel compelled to highlight the true suffering that is incurredthroughout the world, while the UN remains silent! Bringing public attentionto the farcical values of the world's leaders is a first step.While we are all supporters of Israel, this is NOT a pro-Israel rally. THISIS A PROTEST against the United Nations hosting Achmadinejad, a protestagainst the Durban II conference, and a protest against the United Nationssilence on the most serious human rights abuses in the worlds!

Any excuse to dress up in a clown costume. God, am I dying to be there!


Conversation with the Boys on Gmail Chat

Urchin: ur in new york
Me: Yes
Urchin: yay
Taran: so u guys keep chatting. i'll come in soon ;)
Urchin: i need to shower so ttfn tata for now
Taran dont abandon her thats bad manners:(
Me: yeah, don't abandon me

The Rebbe and the Fantasy Book

Me: you're here now! hello beloved. i have had an awful sad day
Excellent Friend: hi
Me: can you please make me happier
Excellent Friend: i finished the golden fool. started fools fate
Me: oh wow! that's amazing! what did you think of golden fool?! when you finish fool's fate, i really want to talk to you about the whole series
Excellent Friend: i thought it would be kind of funny if i actually brought that book to the yeshive. imagine what my rebbe would say when he saw the front cover?
Me: of golden fool, you mean?
Excellent Friend: yeah
Me: yes, i think he would wonder about the tattoos.
plus he probably would not know that the Fool is a man


That's all for now...what makes you happy?


an old friend said...

You and your funny stories.

Anonymous said...

You can be happy for many reasons.

You can smile that you won the award.

You can be happy that you have lit up many a dark day for sundry people.

You should always be glad that you bring fun and delight wherever you go

You should be smiling, as there are more smiles in the world due to your efforts.

You should always understand that you have changed many a life for the good.

Stern student said...

Every time you share your knowledge with me,help me with test preparation shows me how very giving you are. This very quality is also one of the main reasons you should be happy,too

Charlie Hall said...

You need a mechitzah for birkat hachamah? We didn't have one at my Young Israel shul when we did it.