Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Becoming

What have I done to deserve the love of so many beautiful people? I wish I could repay you, but I do not know how, or what it is you wish of me.

There's a quote from a series I love very much, and it goes as follows.
    "Would you have more than this?" The Fool's voice was less than a whisper. I discerned a challenge in his words, but could not understand it.

    "Yes, please. Try," I bade him.

    Beside me at the table, I was aware of the Fool making some small movement but my vision was unfocused on the room and I had no warning of his intentions until his hand settled on my wrist. His fingertips unerringly found their own faded gray fingerprints, left on my flesh so many years ago. His touch was gentle, but the sensation was an arrow in my heart. I physically spasmed, a speared fish, and then froze. The Fool ran through my veins, hot as liquor, cold as ice. For a flashing instant, we shared physical awarreness. The intensity of it went beyond any joining I'd ever experienced. It was more intimate than a kiss and deeper than a knife thrust, beyond a Skill-link and beyond sexual coupling, even beyond my Wit-bond with Nighteyes. It was not a sharing, it was a becoming. Neither pain nor pleasure could encompass it. Worse, I felt myself turning and opening to it, as if it were my lover's mouth upon mine, yet I did not know if I would devour or be devoured. In another heartbeat, we would be one another, know one another more perfectly than two separate beings ever should.

    [...]

    Just as I opened my eyes, the Fool's thought uncurled in my mind like a leaf opening to sunlight.
    And I set no limits on that love.

    "It's too much," I said brokenly. "No one can give that much. No one."

    ~ Fool's Fate, pages 48-49
The number of people who have offered me this, or who have tried to give me back what I have lost, or cared enough to show me or direct me on a different path, amazes and astounds me. I wish to thank you, but I don't know what I can give you in return. You give me too much, far more than I deserve.

Thank you.

3 comments:

Scraps said...

Why do you think yourself to be such an undeserving recipient of love?

You "repay" us by being yourself, and loving us in return.

Jew of the Desert said...

Everyone deserves unconditional love, giving and caring. Your capacity to appreciate it astounds me.

The quote from Fool's Fate reminds me of a line in a poem I shared with you once:
"and give it back to you"
-My Little Heart

Anonymous said...

Chana,
Did it ever occur to you that you are easy to love? You are kind,bright,articulate and very different from so many girls I personally met. You are hard to forget,too
Continue to amuse the world with your curiousity.