I never wanted to write this down, because I've thought that by not writing it, that would make it not true. But it is true. So I might as well deal with it.
I am a very needy person.
I need attention, flattery, praise and compliments as much as I need breakfast in the mornings. I need this like other people would need a drug, a fix; I need it to the point where I not only crave it but demand it, outright ask for it, monopolize people's time and conversations and beg for it.
Why do I rely upon this external validation? Why aren't I self-sufficient?
I can't imagine why people would possibly desire to spend time with someone who takes all their time monopolizing conversations or fishing for compliments. I am therefore astonished when anyone says they'd like to get together with me. To me, it seems ludicrous.
There are times when I am so completely sick of myself, and more than that, frustrated because I can't figure out how to move forward. Tonight's one of those times.
If I could learn to do things without craving the reward of recognition, flattery, praise or compliments, I'd be an infinitely better person. But it seems impossible.
I need to tear this part out of me, but I don't know how...and I wish, I wish I did.