Wednesday, August 08, 2007

ugly truths

I never wanted to write this down, because I've thought that by not writing it, that would make it not true. But it is true. So I might as well deal with it.

I am a very needy person.

I need attention, flattery, praise and compliments as much as I need breakfast in the mornings. I need this like other people would need a drug, a fix; I need it to the point where I not only crave it but demand it, outright ask for it, monopolize people's time and conversations and beg for it.

Why do I rely upon this external validation? Why aren't I self-sufficient?

I can't imagine why people would possibly desire to spend time with someone who takes all their time monopolizing conversations or fishing for compliments. I am therefore astonished when anyone says they'd like to get together with me. To me, it seems ludicrous.

There are times when I am so completely sick of myself, and more than that, frustrated because I can't figure out how to move forward. Tonight's one of those times.

If I could learn to do things without craving the reward of recognition, flattery, praise or compliments, I'd be an infinitely better person. But it seems impossible.

I need to tear this part out of me, but I don't know how...and I wish, I wish I did.

11 comments:

Ezzie said...

Lifehouse's Trying. Look it up.

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

BEST POST EVER.

Larry Lennhoff said...

I hang out with you (that is I read your blog) because you have interesting insights, as well as a retrospective look back at my own past. Even when I think you are making mistakes, it often clarifies my thought processes to understand why and what you are doing/thinking wrong.

Chazal speak highly of taking the impulses of one's yetzer hara and using it to do good. The same bloodthirstiness that might make one person a murderer could have made them a surgeon. In your case, you use your need for attention to produce interesting and insightful posts which you share with others, thereby enriching them. Compare that to those needy people who get the attention they crave by suicide attempts, G-d forbid, or by becoming a celebrity ala Paris Hilton or Maddona.

G said...

"If I could learn to do things without craving the reward of recognition, flattery, praise or compliments, I'd be an infinitely better person"

Says who?

Halfnutcase said...

from what I know about your experience in school, I'm not surprised. experiences like that often turn gifted kids in to people who crave some recognition.

Anonymous said...

“If I could learn to do things without craving the reward of recognition, flattery, praise or compliments, I'd be an infinitely better person. But it seems impossible.”

Im sure this blog isnt really helping. Every time I read the comment section I see the same dozen or so lackeys fawning over every word and praising every sentence of yours regardless of the substance or the quality. It aint too healthy if you ask me.

Daniel said...

Anonymous,

No, we know how to criticise an argument without resorting to abuse of the person making it.

Jack's Shack said...

I think that the first step is taking the time to learn about yourself and you seem to be doing that.

Once you understand who you are and why you do what you do you can determine how you wish to proceed.

David_on_the_Lake said...

Are you a Leo?

David_on_the_Lake said...

Hey look at the bright side.

Can you imagine having this need without the talent that feeds it?

haKiruv said...

Such a constant reliance on others for validation sounds hellish.