There are times where I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is how I want to destroy myself.
I don't mean physically. I mean who I am, what I have cultivated, anything I have worked for. I desire to be the lowest of the low. I'd like to wound people simply for the pleasure of doing so; I often know exactly how to do this should I wish it. I want to be everything that I normally am not; I want to hurt someone else simply because I can, to do things that I know to be cruel, to act in a manner that completely ruins anyone's image of me.
Then I can gloat over what I have accomplished. Ha, I can think. They won't expect anything more of me now. This is the ruin of Chana, her decay, her ugliness exposed, a wound upon the wall. This is a pleasurable thought. There is great pleasure in destroying everything, in destroying who you are and anyone's idea of what may be expected of you.
So do I give in to this desire to be Mr. Hyde? No, I do not. But I fantasize about it. If everything has an equal and opposite reaction, it follows that one who desires to create also has a great and strong desire to destroy.
There is an ugliness that is appealing, a muck and mire that is soothing, and a kind of grime that is pleasurable rather than off-setting. There is a desire to ruin yourself simply because that provides you with a way out, a way not to have to use the talents and opportunities afforded you. There is a great and savage joy in destroying your own potential.
Imagine how everyone would react! All those people who thought they knew me, and now? Now, to cackle in their faces, to laugh at their shocked expressions, to have them cry over me; oh now I could urge them to feel, and how I should delight in returning their shocked expressions with ones of hellish glee! How confounded they would all be! But their confusion is not my true delight. My true delight would be in ruining myself.
You have no idea, any of you, how cruel I could be if I wished it, or the power I have at my disposal. Am I cruel sometimes? Perhaps, but it is certainly not intentional. But this would be a deliberate cruelty, taking pleasure in another's pain, and it is something I could do easily. I even know that I could rejoice in it, given the right circumstances. You see, if you know how to build people up it is easy to see how to tear them down. There is a great desire to coat oneself in filth and wallow in it. There is a great desire to destroy oneself.
There are times when I am very attracted to this, when I long to shatter everyone's preconceived notions of me with one well-placed comment, when all I desire is to destroy.
I do not act on it.
But it is a powerful desire.