Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Grapes & Their Issues (Operation: Cheer Up A Sick Chana)

It was a dark and rainy night. Tonight, actually. I was sitting on an accordion bus, my eyes limping across the outfits and objects of the people sitting across from me. My nose was red and runny; I was sad and sick. I saw a black man who reminded me of the Shepherd Book character in "Firefly." He was holding a book called 'Grapes and their Issues.'

"Grapes and their issues?" I thought indignantly. "What the hell, man? Who are grapes to complain? I mean, here I sit, having been told to leave my workplace by wellmeaning colleagues, my nose shot to hell, dripping like a leaky faucet, my eyes glazed over, my head feeling dull and foggy- and grapes have issues? I've just waited in the wet for a half an hour, the bus didn't come on time, and I narrowly escaped being drenched in a rainstorm... tell me, I ask, what kinds of issues do grapes have, exactly? It's like those Grapes of Wrath- I mean, whoever heard of wrathful grapes? What kind of ridiculous title for a book is that, anyway?"

I then reread the title. It said: 'Graphs and their Uses.'

Oh.

~

(If you enjoyed this post, please post a potential issue that a grape might have in the comments.) 

12 comments:

inkstainedhands said...

Getting squished for wine sounds like it might be an issue... ;]

Feel better!

Anonymous said...

My friend's a grape. You're right. He says he has no issues!

tesyaa said...

Being covered in pesticides would be a downer for me.

Malka said...

All those NyQuil pretenders: you have nothing to do with grapes! Stop destroying our carefully-crafted reputation!

jackie said...

There is a story that once John Steinbeck's wife visited China. In a library or bookstore or something, she asked the employee if they carried any of her husband's works. The man replied, "Oh yes, we have the Angry Raisins."

Don't know if it's true, but I read it in a Bill Bryson book, I think.

Adam said...

The day ended hot and dry, like most days in this town. I should have gone home, but the heat had sluggish and I was comfortably raisoning in my well worn leather office chair.

With a dispirited tlink of dust-choked bells, the dame rolled in to my office. She was a looker: a perfect spheroid with a uniform light pink blush and a firm skin. Definitely not from around here, I thought, probably one of those foreign types – a Valdiguié or something.

"Mr. Munson, ya gotta help me," she gasped, "Abrusco and his boys are after me, and I got nowhere else to go."

It's always the pretty ones... as if I didn't have enough problems already.

Anonymous said...

it is a known phenomenon that black widows can be harboured in grape vines....this would be be problematic for grape eaters.....

http://insects.about.com/b/2009/01/06/whats-hiding-in-your-grapes.htm

harry-er than them all said...

If running a survey of what issues grapes have, their intensity, how often they have them, you could use a graph to plot the issues grapes may have.

1322 said...

didn't you mean "gripes and their causes" :-)

Anonymous said...

What did the grape do when he was stepped on by an elephant? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

Meshuga said...

When grapes catch a cold they refuse to use Kleenex or any other brand. They only use Puffs with Aloe.

Ha! Grapes And Their Tissues!

These comments ought to cheer you up when you realize that you are one of very few sane people out there...

Get well soon!

Shades of Grey said...

Lack of anesthesia during the juicing process?

Refuah Shelayma!