The Chicken Soup Medley

I once told my friend I couldn't get married till I had mastered the laws of niddah, knew how to cook, drive and put contacts into my eyes. My friend argued with me. "Niddah, contacts, cooking and driving does not take that long," he stated, "and technically you could get married without knowing how to put contacts on or drive yet and the super-cooking skills you are looking for."

"I know how to make toast," I dryly responded. "Surely my future husband doesn't want to live on toast for the rest of his life?"

My friend informed me that he was certain my future husband would not mind living on toast. I laughed.

However, to my fabulous repertoire of toast, omelettes, casseroles and quiches I can add the following triumph...chicken soup! Matza ball soup, really. I made it myself from scratch and it tastes awesome. So take that. Chana can cook if she wants to. Alas, my friend would probably roll his eyes and say, "Why is that a surprise? Of course you can do anything if you want to."

Here's my beautiful chicken soup on the stove:

And here's my platter of matza balls:

And here's a tasty bowl of soup all ready to eat:

And now I have made chicken soup and I am happy. Hurrah!

Olly & The Raggedys, The Little Old Lady and Scarsdale Cousins

As you may or may not know, the Raggedys are extremely kind people. When I needed a place to stay, they let me live in their apartment for a week and a half. Their adorable children made sure I felt welcome by ensuring that my door was covered in beautiful pictures and posters declaring the fact that I should feel myself to be at home.

How many people do you know who would simply allow a homeless child into their apartment for a week and a half? Yet the Raggedys did it without complaint; they smiled and had fun with it and made sure that I had a party of a time. There was storytelling, crepes for breakfast, pancakes, homemade pizza, "your name is melting," discovering the Food Network and an extremely exciting visit to the Bronx Zoo (I had never been there before) during my time there.

The animal I saw at the zoo which I most enjoyed is called a tapir. As RaggedyDad noted, the tapir looks sad, and its skin looks as though it feels like velvet. Its sadness, velvety skin and softly-padding footsteps combined made it something that I would enjoy communing with.

The Raggedys ensured that whether it was zucchini muffins, chocolate cake or interesting types of tea, I lacked for nothing. They are incredibly kind, considerate people and I thank them so much for the unbelievable chesed they practiced towards me.

To ensure that I would lack for no entertainment, The Little Old Lady was happy to allow me to come along with her upon her expedition to the American Girl Doll Place on 5th and 49th. Such a lot of fuss and nonsense about a mere doll I have never seen, but it was vastly entertaining. See, The Little Old Lady had brought in a doll to be fixed, and what do you know, but there's actually a doll hospital there!

So we brought our doll to the doctor. He actually had us take off her outfit and put her in a little pink hospital gown and wheelchair. Then he amicably posed for this picture.

After he wheeled away the doll, The Little Old Lady informed me that upstairs there is actually a cafe in which little girls can have tea with their dolls while eating food themselves. To me, this seemed utterly ridiculous (I sensibly had all sorts of imaginary delights with my doll- which was not an American Girl doll, heaven forfend- at home.) Anyway, here's what the cafe looks like:

I should mention that I had chosen to accompany The Little Old Lady after visiting Pearl Paint. This meant I was carrying an incredibly bulky package of canvases around and my bag ripped. We tried to ask a lady at the front for an American Girl Doll bag but she told us we had to purchase something in order to get one. The fact that The Little Old Lady had already paid for the doll (I named it 'Serena') to be fixed and thus ought to get a bag escaped her. Refusing to take no for an answer, The Little Old Lady insisted that I ask the Doll Doctor for a bag. He very nicely gave me one, and thus I could carry my canvases. Hurrah!

After leaving American Girl Doll Place, it began raining. Thus, to escape the rain and to eat lunch, we ducked into Cafe K, which has an incredibly pretty way of serving its Gran Torino (hot chocolate with a chocolate bar melted inside.)

After our lovely meal of pancakes and muffins, we walked back to Penn Station where The Little Old Lady went home and I headed off to Scarsdale and my amazing Scarsdale cousins! They had made a barbecue for me, which was fantastic, and intriguingly Yechiel's friend (his name is John) came over in order to do a presentation as part of his summer job. Yechiel's friend is advertising a company called Cutco. Cutco makes knives.


In an absolutely fascinating display, John demonstrated the advantages of Cutco's knives over other knives. For one thing, Cutco's knives have wonderfully comfortable handles. Their rivets are made of silver instead of brass (which is what most knives are made of) and thus bacteria and other mold does not form therein (brass expands and contracts with exposure to heat and cold, so when you put it in your dishwasher, your knives suffer.) Also, there is a Forever guarantee where your knives are supposed to literally last you forever- and all sharpening is free. You send them in, they're sharpened and are sent back to you. But the coolest part of the presentation was when John demonstrated how incredibly sharp the knives are. For example, here's John cutting a penny with a pair of Cutco scissors:

Cutco is not sold in regular stores like Williams-Sonoma. That's because the company sells directly to the customer. If it were to sell through kitchen stores and other outlets, the price would be forbidding. By selling directly to customers, Cutco does well and the customer does well. It's a perfect situation. If you're interested in having someone come out and do a presentation for you (all kinds of nifty things occur during the presentation, including a change- you take out your sharpest knife and try to cut through rope, then watch Cutco knives cut through rope like butter...) let me know; I'll hook you up.

In any case, Yechiel (who is heading off to the IDF soon) and the rest of the Scarsdale Cousins rented a U-Haul in order to transport everything I own to Washington Heights. Here he is driving the contraption (I sat beside him, and thus, I can now say that I have ridden in a U-Haul. Hurrah!) It was super nice of him to give up his Friday to shlep boxes and make sure I could move into my place.

After driving all the way to my apartment, Yechiel & Co set me up and ensured that everything was perfect. Here are some shots of my beautiful apartment! Thanks so much to the incredibly amazing Scarsdale Cousins.

And here was the setup for breakfast this morning (homemade pancakes!)

I have been truly blessed to know such fantastic people. Thank you so much to everybody who has been kind to me. I really love you all.

Swan Lake

Thank you to those who recommended places where I could buy painting materials. I went to Pearl Paint, which is indeed a fantastic store, and painted a picture for The Little Old Lady.



I know that there is much that could be improved (technique, proportion, physicality, etc), but remember, I haven't painted for three years. So I'm pleased. And I think my Little Old Lady will be happy, especially as she's the one who told me to paint again.

The Good Master

My goodness is my vanity, my evil. It does not well up naturally out of me but is calculated and plotted as carefully as a mariner studies the approach to an unfamiliar harbor. Sometimes I will reveal this to friends so they will like me and praise my honesty, but in actuality, I am presenting them with a mariner's chart of my character.

Anyone who knows me well must understand and be sympathetic to my genuine need to be my own greatest hero. It is not a flaw of character; it is a catastrophe. I have always been for the underdog and I've pretended it was because I was sensitive and empathetic, but that's not it at all. It was because I wanted the adoration of the underdog, the blind approval that the downtrodden so gratefully bestow on their liberators. It was all paternalism, my insatiable desire to be the benevolent tyrant dispensing tawdry gifts and moldy foodstuffs to the subjects who stumbled into the spiritual famine of my sad kingdom. When I bestowed my friendship on Tradd, Mark, and Pig, I was doing them a favor, liking them when other people ignored or feared them. I was a natural to take care of Pearce, not because of my radiant humanity (although that is what I wanted to believe) but because he would be indebted to me and I could rule him and own him and even loathe him because I had made him a captive of my goodness. I had the need to be the good master, but definitely the master, no matter what the cost. I did not like it that the three unpopular boys I had honored with my friendship had thoughts and ideas that differed from my own. It both surprised and angered me that my roommates had reached a consensus of agreement against me. The way I looked at the world, enemies criticized and friends affirmed. I granted my friends freedom of expression only when I was certain that the ideas expressed would be congruent with mine. It was but one of the things that made friendship with me an ambivalent enterprise.

~The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy, 91-92

In Honor of the Polyglot

So much to say, no Internet connection to allow me to do so.

Thus, in short: The Raggedys, The Little Old Lady & my Scarsdale Cousins are the most fantastic people ever. More to come on why that is. But in the meantime, shabbat shalom!

(P.S. My mom- she of polyglot fame- was brilliant to have us toivel, wash, bubble wrap and then ship over all the stuff. There is nothing as happymaking as setting up a kitchen and knowing you can eat off of everything RIGHT NOW. *squee* My beautiful kitchen.)

Yagati U'Matzati

Anything worth having requires enough work to kill you, plus enough work to kill you all over again.

If it's easy, you haven't been doing it right.

But God Almighty...there's so much to learn!

In Which Tchaikovsky Is My R' Nachman

If it's true that music from the upper worlds sometimes comes down to this world, I think 0:00-2:50 of this video (Tchaikovsky's 'Swan Lake') is the exact exemplification of that. In the new book The Rav: Thinking Aloud the Rav wrote about the profound effect classical music had upon him.

I've always thought you could make Torah out of 'Swan Lake.' Odette would be the yetzer ha-tov; Odile would be the yetzer ha-ra. Prince Siegfried symbolizes the guf and neshama, body and soul. Obviously Odile dresses up as Odette, so the yetzer ha-ra can sometimes masquerade as the yetzer ha-tov. This causes the person to make a vow of eternal dedication to the yetzer ha-ra mistakenly, believing it is the yetzer ha-tov. Only then does the cruel realization come. The yetzer ha-tov is lost, feebly struggling to survive. The body and soul must choose to rescue her. Depending on how the end of the ballet plays out, the re-commitment to the yetzer ha-tov breaks the power of the yetzer ha-ra, also symbolized by Von Rothbart, or the soul, body and all the inclinations perish and through their death earn a kaparah, thus meriting Olam Haba. I think this is one of the reasons the ballet is so powerful. Behind the external love story lies a deeper meaning which appeals to all of us; it's the story of the soul.

I think it would be fascinating to compare and contrast Song of Songs (especially as explained by the Malbim as a love story of the soul) with 'Swan Lake.'

Help Me Purchase A Laptop

Hello everybody!

I would like you to help me purchase a laptop, please.

Here's what it needs to have:

1. I want a PC
2. Windows XP (I absolutely loathe Windows Vista.) Or the capacity to have an older version of Microsoft Word, because I hate the Windows Vista version of Word.
3. The iTunes, Paint, Windows Media Player and other applications should work
4. It should be a relatively large screen (15, 16, maybe even 17 inches)
5. Relatively light, if possible
6. DVD player with a tray (not a slot)
7. Built-in wireless ability

I'm supposed to pick one off of Costco. Please help. I don't want an Acer and would probably prefer a Dell. Thanks.

Chana's Course on Fairy Tales & the Bible

(Also known as: stories I tell to five year olds.) Or as RaggedyMom refers to it, "Chana reviews dissertation topics at the dinner table."

I would structure the course so that everyone read the original Judaic text (Hebrew, Aramaic, Mishnaic, Midrashic etc) and then the various forms of the fairy tale. I would want everyone to have access to the Aarne-Thompson Tale Type Index and Motif Index as well. We would discuss similarities and differences between the Judaic and fairy tale text in class. If there was time, we would also go through variants of the fairy tale and/or Judaic text and show how they return or venture farther away from the comparitive text. Assignments would include coming up with your own comparisons between various fairy tales and Judaic texts, noting archetypal trends in Tanakh, or comparing and contrasting similar characters. The purpose of the class would be to demonstrate the many biblical themes and motifs in fairy tales. If possible, it would be nice to see if later Judaic texts or midrashim actually borrow from folklore and fairy tales (sometimes they do, although the veracity of these late midrashim is questionable at best to begin with.) Thus, this would be an interdisciplinary course and count for credit towards your English or Bible major.

1. Kamtza & Bar Kamtza/ Sleeping Beauty
2. Rachel & Leah (Wedded to Jacob)/ Swan Lake
3. Moshe & the Sapphire Staff (Midrash)/ The Sword in the Stone
4. Benjamin & the Stolen Goblet/ Simple Hans
5. Elijah's Violin/ Finist the Falcoln
6. The Demon Princess/ Jack and the Beanstalk
7. Leviathan, the Fox & Fish/ The Monkey's Heart
8. King Solomon & the Two Prostitutes with Infants/ The Future Buddha as Judge
9. Yiftach and his Daughter/ The King of the Golden Mountain
10. The Book of Esther/ Aladdin (The Princess & Vizier)
11. Choni Ha'Maagel (Taanis 23a)/ Rip Van Winkle
12. Nazir in Nedarim 9b/ Narcissus & Echo
13. Sanhedrin 105b /The Oak Tree & the Reed (Aesop's fables)
14. David & Saul in the Cave/ The Little Mermaid
15. Samson & Delilah/ Fenrir the Wolf (Norse Mythology) 

I'm sure there are plenty more. I'll add to these as I think of them.

~

NOTES:

2. Rachel, Leah and Laban are the source material (in my mind) for Van Rothbart, Odette and Odile. Odile wears Odette's form and Prince Siegfried makes the vow to her when in fact it should be made to Odette. Jacob marries Leah thinking that she is Rachel.

Read and perhaps include the book The Hebrew Folktale in the syllabus.

*

I could easily offer a similar course in film. That one would be 'Chana's Crash Course on Film & the Bible.'

1. David & Bathsheba/ The Man in the Iron Mask (starring Leonardo DiCaprio)
2. The Rav's Idea on Dignity in Defeat/ Beauty and the Beast + The Phantom of the Opera + The Last Unicorn (film and texts)
3. Theodicy throughout Judaism/ V for Vendetta (the torture scene with Evey and the fact that it frees her specifically)

Not to mention the 'Leitmotifs in Tanakh' course and comparing/contrasting symbolism between objects or places in Tanakh and those appearing in English Literature.

And plenty more, of course.
~

Copyright for the idea behind this course goes to Chana.

Arranged: Muslims & Jews Can Be Friends!

RaggedyMom told me about an awesome independant film today, then took me to see it (we rented it). It's called 'Arranged.' An Orthodox Jewish woman and an observant Muslim woman are both teachers in a public school, become friends, and are both engaged in searching for their soulmates through shidduchim and other arranged forms of meeting people. Their lives intertwine and interesting things happen. ;-)

See the trailer below, and definitely rent the movie. It's fantastic and made me happy.



HUGE PLOT SPOILER (so don't read this if you don't want the movie spoiled for you): Not that I do shidduchim anyway (although my mom would probably love me to), but I'm totally betting you that if I did, that's how I'd get married one day...my Muslim friend from public school would set me up and be my shadchan. It's not even remotely crazier than other things that have happened...

Carabosse

My favorite film as a child was Sleeping Beauty on Ice starring Robin Cousins & Rosalynn Sumners. Tchaikovsky's music for 'Sleeping Beauty' has always been the most magical to me, outdoing the Nutcracker and Swan Lake. In the film, which I was only privileged to watch at Grandma's house, I thrilled each time Carabosse brilliantly lured Aurora to her spindle. There was a room filled with beautiful fabric and flickering colorful lights; Aurora skated within and picked up a piece of fabric...finally she came too close and touched the spindle.

Colorful, gorgeous and otherwise exquisite, I always loved that production of Sleeping Beauty. Carabosse, the Wicked Fairy, spoke most to me. I loved the music that signalled her appearance and the scene in which she lured Aurora to prick her finger.

Alas, I can't find those scenes online, so I'll show you a scene where Carabosse enters in the ballet (not the ice-skating) version:



Carabosse and Aurora are two extremes. Of the two, I love Carabosse. Perhaps that's because I am her in a way...

Taran: The Witty, Thoughtful Child

Taran's comment on my melting laptop:

Wow. That's so weird. You have a strange computer. Well, that's the bad side. On the good side, you'll be able to make sunny side up eggs on your computer without even turning on your stove. And it's gas as well as electric free! Wooohoooooooooooooo!!! LOL

An essay on Shlomo Carlebach that Taran wrote in 7th Grade:

'The Rabbi that Inspired'

The theater is filled with the strumming of a guitar, the reverberation of the drums, and the clapping of the very excited audience. All are waiting impatiently for the next song to begin. At last, the music starts and the audience remains hushed. With enthusiasm and kavanah, the Rabbi closes his eyes and begins to sing the songs that could wipe away anybody’s worries. He begins to tell great tales about people caring for people. To be in the presence of a person so full of happiness and contentment, would be the most meaningful experience of my life. Strumming the guitar, singing from the depths of his neshama is Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach. He is known for his wonderful singing, his thrilling anecdotes about chesed, and for the people who are at peace with themselves in his presence.

Nobody could sing Jewish songs like Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach. In the second half of the 20th century, many people thought that he was the foremost Jewish composer and singer. One would know that Rabbi Shlomo was a great singer because in a period of thirty years, Rabbi Carlebach finished and published 25 music albums. He started singing on street corners and in a short while, he collected enough money to fly to Israel and presented his music there. He quickly became a big hit with anyone who heard his music. After spending some time in Israel, Rabbi Shlomo decided he would also play in America as well. He soon became known as “The Singing Rabbi.”

In addition to his singing, Rabbi Shlomo told great tales that are and were very interesting and thoughtful. One story was about when Rabbi Shlomo met an airplane attendant named Kathy. Kathy told Shlomo that she wanted to marry a Jewish man whose father would not allow the marriage. The reason was because her fiancé’s father had no intention of having his son married to a convert. Rabbi Shlomo listened to her story and said that he would try solving it. First, Rabbi Shlomo called the father of Kathy’s fiancé, who confirmed Kathy’s story. Then Rabbi Shlomo called Kathy’s father who told him that he was a Holocaust survivor and was still Jewish and that he wasn’t 100% converted to Christianity. Learning this, Rabbi Shlomo made a few calls to both parents to try persuading them to meet. Upon meeting, both parents hugged and kissed. Both said that they were best friends and that they promised that their children would marry. In addition, both were grateful that their children had fulfilled their pledge. Even without these stories, most people would agree that whatever Rabbi Shlomo wrote would be an excellent story. The other Rabbis would be very impressed with Shlomo’s wisdom and knowledge of the Torah which were always at the heart of his stories.

In addition to his singing and anecdotes, Rabbi Shlomo had a great talent for inspiring people to feel at peace with themselves. People would say, “This is a one of a kind Rabbi,” meaning that they loved his music and his stories. His popularity grew and grew as he started helping many people out of difficult situations. He had the ability to influence many Jewish people due to his singing and stories. For example, once Rabbi Shlomo needed to pray, so he asked some people to come and join in. Expecting about 10 people, Rabbi Shlomo was surprised that over two thousand people rushed to pray with him.

If I could meet Rabbi Shlomo, I would be so inspired and overjoyed by Rabbi Shlomo’s kavanah in singing, his wonderful stories, and his ability to make people at peace with themselves. To learn how to inspire someone and give chesed so generously are unbelievable qualities that I would want to strive and have for myself. It is wonderful to gain knowledge about Rabbi Shlomo’s stories, and at the same time, experience the love of Hashem through his songs!

Olly & Skater Guy: Subway Sandwiches, Slurpees, Sefarim & Surprises

Today I decided I wished to sample the fare at the kosher Subway in Queens. This Subway is located on 141-24 Jewel Avenue in Flushing, NY 11367. You can contact them at (718) 544-SUBS (7827). You see, Subway is a chain branch and is generally not kosher. So the idea of eating a kosher subway sandwich appealed to me. I was curious about how it would taste! RaggedyMom mentioned that if I were in that area anyway, there was a nice Jewish bookstore and other fun haunts on Main Street, and I was excited to entertain myself by wandering through Queens.

Thus, I entered Subway and talked to the nice man at the front counter. We shall call him a 'sandwich professional' as that is the title he went by. I told him it was my first time at Subway and thus I was unsure as to what exactly I wanted to eat. I was looking at pastrami, steak, bologna, salami and all other kinds of cold cuts. The sandwich professional happily informed me that when I purchased a sandwich from Subway, I got points on my Subway rewards card and also received a discount at the wine store next door.

"That'd be nice if I was legal," I stated, laughing.

"I knew you were young but not that young!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, I'm 20, almost 21," I said, smiling.

Adjacent to me stood a guy who was finishing up his order. He had a cap, exciting headphones, a skateboard and a backpack. He has dark hair, an open expression and seems the sort to see things very clearly. This is aside from the fact that he's very attractive. "You're very jolly," he remarked to me, referring to my excitement over my Subway sandwich.

"Yes, I am," I stated, turning to him. "Aren't you?"

"I like to think I am, yes," he told me.

"Are you a New Yorker?" I questioned further.

"Yup," he said, eyes twinkling.

"Then you've dispelled the stereotype!" I laughed. "Since supposedly New Yorkers are cold and all." I then turned my attention to the sandwiches and ingredients therein (pickles, salad, sauces, onions, etc) as the skater guy tried to pay for his sandwich.

"Oh, we don't take credit cards, sir," stated the sandwich professional. "Only cash."

The skater guy looked panicked. "I only have a credit card," he stated apologetically.

I stepped in, handing the sandwich professional a $20 bill. "It's not a problem," I said. "I'll pay for him." After all, I've been in plenty of situations like this before. There's a restaraunt back home in Chicago called Slice of Life that only takes cash, not credit cards. It's always an unfortunate occurrence when this happens. And I know the panicked feeling and other unhappiness that swoops down upon you, so if you can spare a person that, why not?

"You know each other, I presume?" questioned the sandwich professional as he took my bill.

"Nope," I stated cheerfully. In truth, it wasn't necessary for skater guy to pay me back but I didn't want to make him feel bad. "You'll pay me back another time," I stated, smiling at him.

"Are you a student at Queens College?" he asked.

"Nope," I said. "I've just finished Stern." My phone rang, Lightman's Phantom of the Opera violin theme resounding throughout the eatery. It was my friend Michael Greenberg. I didn't pick up, figuring I would call him back later.

"I'll take down your information and pay you back," he stated fervently, a promise he intended to keep.

"It's really okay," I said as he took his sandwich and sat down. I moved on to creating my sandwich. "I'm going to leave it up to you," I told the sandwich professional. "Go ahead and give me whatever you think I'll like!"

"I'm 44, you know," the sandwich professional told me as he squirted Thousand Island sauce onto my pastrami sandwich. "But I look young. It's a problem with shidduchim; I look so young."

"It's a good problem to have," I told him. "You're young, young-at-heart, that's a wonderful quality."

He continued preparing my sandwich and I thanked him profusely. Skater guy came over to me in the interim and handed me a $10 bill. He had rooted through his knapsack and discovered it. Thus, I paid for his sandwich and he ended up paying for mine, as I used the $10 for my 6"inch sub.

When I sat down, I decided to talk to skater guy, who seemed friendly, approachable and kind. "So are you a student at Queens College?" I inquired.

"Yup," he said. "They have this program where you can do business but another major on the side. I'm doing philosophy."

"That's fantastic!" I stated. One of my friends who is currently finishing up Law School had majored in philosophy; she loved it.

"So did you do the whole year in Israel thing?" he questioned.

"Nope," I said. "Went straight to Stern, had some AP and college credits, and that's how I did four years in three. Have to take two summer courses at Hunter College, then I'm starting Revel."

"The graduate school?"

"Yup," I said. "Did you do the year in Israel thing?"

"Two years," he told me.

"Where were you at?"

"Gush," he said.

"Gush!" I exclaimed. "Hey, then you must know all my friends." I listed them all off. "Simcha Gross, Ben Greenfield, Michael Greenberg..."

"I went to high school with Michael Greenberg!" he stated.

"Ha, he just called me!" I laughed. "I'll have to call him back and say I met his friend. That's fabulous. Say, have you got any napkins?"

"Nope, was wondering how to get those myself."

"I shall go purloin some napkins," I stated, and brilliantly did so while he asked for his sandwich to be wrapped up. He had to return to school for class.

"Were you also a philosophy major?" he inquired.

"Nope," I stated. "English Literature, close enough!"

"Yes, that is close enough," he agreed amicably.

We introduced ourselves and now I know his name, although for the purposes of this blog he shall be known as Skater Guy. In any case Skater Guy is a fabulous individual and I'm very happy that my chance encounter in Subway means that I shall have a new friend!

After enjoying my delicious pastrami sandwich and thanking members of the eatery, I listened to Michael's message. To my great enjoyment, he had called to tell me he had just seen me walking down Main & Jewel and couldn't stop because there was no place to park, but he had been amused. Thus, he had called me.

I walked out of the shop and encountered a 7/11. "Perfect," I thought, and bought myself a Coke slurpee. I enjoyed it while wandering through Amazing Savings, and then, walking onward, encountered the Sefarim Store RaggedyMom had informed me of.

Now, I had written the rabbi of my shul, R' Gershon Schaffel, an email inquiring as to whether he could tell me of a good commentary to the daily prayers. As all of you know, I have difficulty with prayer; I can write prayers and say them in English but it's very hard to mean them in Hebrew. He wrote me back last night and stated that, "One that is good is R' Avigdor Miller's commentary Praise, My Soul." Now, previously I would never have been caught dead reading a R' Miller book, but Jordan changed my perspective on all that. Huzzah for Jordan! So, intrigued, I wandered into Safra & Stam's and located the book in question.

Wanting to pay for it, I looked through my purse and discovered that I had lost my credit card.

Hmm, I thought to myself. When did I do that? Was it when I went to the Butterfly Garden at the Bronx Zoo? But I remember paying for that in cash. So when did I last use my credit card?

Looking through my purse once more, my eye happened to light upon a receipt for a purchase from a drugstore that I had made on Friday. I normally do not keep receipts, so I knew that if I had seen this one, it was meant to tell me something. Of course, I thought to myself. I bought something at the drugstore and left my credit card there. And to my good fortune, the drugstore is located just across the street.

I debated as to whether to pay $27 for Praise, My Soul in cash when, if I could not find my credit card, that would mean I would potentially have no way to get to Scarsdale. Thus, I would effectively remain stranded in New York forever. No, I decided. God definitely wanted me to see that receipt; the lady at the drugstore has my credit card. Thus, I paid my $27 in cash, placed the smiley-faced plastic bag with the enclosed book around my wrist, and walked across the street.

"Hello," I said, smiling at the Russian lady. "You may not remember me, but a couple of days ago I was here to make a purchase. I was just wondering- did you happen to find a credit card made out to Olivia?"

Her whole face lit up. She walked behind the register, opened it up, and pulled out my credit card.

"Olivia ________," I told her my full name.

"Spell it out," she told me, and I did so.

She handed it over. She had been keeping it for me; it was safe and sound. I hadn't even realized I had lost it.

"Thank you so much!" I exclaimed gladly. First I have my LaGuardian Angel, rescuer of laptops, and now I meet the Russian lady who saves people's credit cards. As soon as I exited the store, I pulled out my phone to call up The Little Old Lady.

"Hello Little Old Lady!" I stated happily. "Guess what just happened..." and I told her my remarkable story. "I think that God saw I wanted to do something nice and pay for Skater Guy's lunch so He decided that I ought to be helped in return and made sure I got my credit card back. I hadn't even realized it was missing! Imagine what would have happened if I left to Washington Heights and only realized it was gone when I had to pay some exorbitant sum of money. They'd be delivering a bed, I would pull out my credit card, only to realize that poof! there was no credit card. I would completely have forgotten about my drugstore purchase; the card would have been gone forever. And the only reason I walked into Safra's was because RaggedyMom had mentioned there was a Jewish bookstore there, and the only reason I wanted to buy something was because R' Schaffel had recommended the book to me...and if not for that, I would never have thought to look for my credit card."

The Little Old Lady liked my story very much. "You have so many stories, you should write a book already!" she informed me. You see, I had told her about Kurt and Sean (the LaGuardian Angel) and various other experiences...

"Oh, I just write them all on my blog," I said.

And there you have it. God is wonderful!

Broken Wings by Alter Bridge

It's amazing how God holds people up. There's often no reason to wake up in the morning except for Him.

I love the song 'Broken Wings' by Alter Bridge. It includes two lines I enjoy a lot.

1. "In my opinion, seeing is to know the things we hold are always first to go. And who's to say we won't end up alone?"

But that line ends up switching to the positive, optimistic and happy thought:

2. "In my opinion, seeing is to know what you give will always carry you. And who's to say we won't survive it, too?"

Everybody who lives life is a survivor. We all survive something, whether it's financial disadvantages or ostentatious opulence, phony communities, cruel teachers, bad parents, divorces, falling-outs, etc. What exactly it is that we've survived changes as we age and our experiences differ. But there's no question- if you're still alive, then you're a survivor.

So yes, many times we're falling on broken wings, but in the end we know that we're all survivors. We're tough people, in for the long haul, going for the win. And sure, we've all cried ourselves to sleep sometime, thought that there was no way to go forward, been miserable about someone's death or loss, perhaps battled illness...because we're human, gloriously so. But the part worth remembering is who and what all those experiences made us. It's what we give that makes us; who we are is forged through the events we survive and knit together in the patchwork of odds and ends that is a human being.

I've got a million odds-and-ends that make me up. I'm holding a green bag with brownie Pepperidge Farm cookies, purple sparkling grape juice and a HIM 'Dark Light' CD in one hand, M&Ms that I swallowed in order to learn to take pills in the other. I've got scrolls of violin music threaded through my hair, blueberries and chocolate bars mixing in my memory. I have all the beauty of Fort Tryon park, the glittering butterfly lady birthday card, songs by Sting and Daniel Bedingfield. There's a castle that belongs to me, the fact that I'm clearly marrying a Kohen Gadol because of his golden clothes, the piano scene from "Pretty Woman," and the posters people made for my surprise birthday party. There's two canisters of glitter, each one labeled with one of my names, in gold and red. There's the art table, splattered with paint. There's uniform clothes, green and blue polo shirts especially. There's nude stockings and the copy of The Count of Monte Cristo which the ice-pack spilled on. And if you picked up any of these things, you'd be holding a piece of my life. Scattered objects to some- the images of my life.

A human being is fragile when she's made out of chocolate, song lyrics, glitter and gifts. But it's the words that knit her together. The words are true and they never lose their meaning. They're gold and flicker in and out of existence but they're the thread; take away everything and the words still remain. And because the words once existed, we will survive. We survive everything because we remember the words uttered by the ones who know us and love us. And thus, to give forges us, but it's the words that support us. And it's God who smiles and says, "My daughter, did you really think I'd break you for nothing? I'm making you into a patchwork. It's the reason you're going to be beautiful."

What do I carry? Battles with Deans, The Observer, The Butterfly of Freedom, chalk sketches and quotes doodled across Rabbi Auman's, Rabbi Kahn's and Rabbi Kanarfogel's blackboards, people's disdain, Birkas HaTorah, a swiftly-breaking-laptop (Madeline L'Engle reference!), dreams, a blue-and-brown cloak, the fairy dress for Batya's wedding, a London Fog duffel bag, R' Schaffel's Shema podcasts, the desire to please God without betraying everything I love and stand for, hugs and kisses from little children, awe of my parents, deep-rooted appreciation for Rebbetzin Greer and Rabbi Cohen, NCSY yearbooks, pens that rarely contain ink, Explorations by Rabbi Ari D. Kahn, a black-and-gold pocketsize JPS Tanakh, long silk black opera gloves a'la Erik the Phantom, two birthday tiaras, a Wicked sweatshirt, and most of all the words that people have given me.

I'm a patchwork quilt of items, objects and gadgets that represent everything that people are to me. Every time God throws me down, it's only to lift me up again. The patchwork is the reason that I'll be beautiful one day. So today I am happy, truly happy, for I know, with complete certainty that can only be given me as a gift from God, that the end result here is meant to be one that sparkles and shines. The patchwork quilt that is me will have all the colors of the world in it; there'll be glitter and joy and pain and tragedy and everything that has forged me in it. Today I am happy, not only for me, but for everyone, completely and truly. Do you hear? I've done it; I have! I am happy for you, I am, completely and wholly. It may be this will only last for a moment but I see it's possible and so I shall do it. We're survivors; we're patchwork quilts, and the tapestries that are our lives will be displayed one day to give comfort to another. God has a reason for me; today I know that's true. Sometimes that clarity leaves me, but today I know, I know because today I believe that as humans we are survivors. When one climbs the high mountains, the falls are vicious! But here's the fantastic thing...sometimes we're not falling, we're skydiving. *smile* Or parachuting. I know there are plenty more vicious falls in store for me, but maybe someone will catch me, and even if not, it's just another story to add to my patchwork. God's making me beautiful. And is that worth it in the long run? Hell, yeah!

The Armour-Bearer

Duby, this one's for you.

~

Who was Saul's original armour-bearer?
David, of course.

כא וַיָּבֹא דָוִד אֶל-שָׁאוּל, וַיַּעֲמֹד לְפָנָיו; וַיֶּאֱהָבֵהוּ מְאֹד, וַיְהִי-לוֹ נֹשֵׂא כֵלִים. 21 And David came to Saul, and stood before him; and he loved him greatly; and he became his armour-bearer.

~Samuel I 16: 21
*

Now, in Saul's last battle, there is a lot of interaction between him and a mysterious armour bearer. This person could potentially be synonymous with the one identified later as being an Amalekite boy who comes to David to deliver the news. However, those verses don't entirely support the point (the Amalekite boy 'happened by chance upon Mount Gilboa' and was certainly not Saul's armor bearer). This leads people to state there were two occurrences, one with Saul's armour bearer and one with the lad. But look at the actual verses regarding this armour bearer.

ד וַיֹּאמֶר שָׁאוּל לְנֹשֵׂא כֵלָיו שְׁלֹף חַרְבְּךָ וְדָקְרֵנִי בָהּ, פֶּן-יָבוֹאוּ הָעֲרֵלִים הָאֵלֶּה וּדְקָרֻנִי וְהִתְעַלְּלוּ-בִי, וְלֹא אָבָה נֹשֵׂא כֵלָיו, כִּי יָרֵא מְאֹד; וַיִּקַּח שָׁאוּל אֶת-הַחֶרֶב, וַיִּפֹּל עָלֶיהָ. 4 Then said Saul to his armour-bearer: 'Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and make a mock of me.' But his armour-bearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took his sword, and fell upon it.

ה וַיַּרְא נֹשֵׂא-כֵלָיו, כִּי מֵת שָׁאוּל; וַיִּפֹּל גַּם-הוּא עַל-חַרְבּוֹ, וַיָּמָת עִמּוֹ. 5 And when his armour-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he likewise fell upon his sword, and died with him.

ו וַיָּמָת שָׁאוּל וּשְׁלֹשֶׁת בָּנָיו וְנֹשֵׂא כֵלָיו גַּם כָּל-אֲנָשָׁיו, בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא--יַחְדָּו. 6 So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armour-bearer, and all his men, that same day together.

~Samuel I, 31: 4-6

~

Now, I think there is a double meaning in these verses. I think there really was an armour-bearer at that battle to whom Saul spoke and who refrained from killing Saul, etc. But on a deeper level, I believe the armour-bearer in those verses refers to David, the original armour-bearer. There is a sense of dramatic irony in Saul requesting this armour-bearer (and the term is meant to hint back to David; when language in Tanakh is similar we are supposed to hear the echoes) to kill him, seeing how many times David has refrained from doing just that! And look at the language- the armour-bearer refuses to kill Saul because he is afraid.

That exactly points to David who refrains from killing Saul many times before because of his fear of touching God's annointed.

ט וַיֹּאמֶר דָּוִד אֶל-אֲבִישַׁי, אַל-תַּשְׁחִיתֵהוּ: כִּי מִי שָׁלַח יָדוֹ, בִּמְשִׁיחַ יְהוָה--וְנִקָּה. {פ} 9 And David said to Abishai: 'Destroy him not; for who can put forth his hand against the LORD'S anointed, and be guiltless?' {P}

י וַיֹּאמֶר דָּוִד חַי-יְהוָה, כִּי אִם-יְהוָה יִגֳּפֶנּוּ; אוֹ-יוֹמוֹ יָבוֹא וָמֵת, אוֹ בַמִּלְחָמָה יֵרֵד וְנִסְפָּה. 10 And David said: 'As the LORD liveth, nay, but the LORD shall smite him; or his day shall come to die; or he shall go down into battle, and be swept away.

~Samuel I 26: 9-10

Indeed, the question David asks the Amalekite lad who comes to tell him of Saul's death is:

יד וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו, דָּוִד: אֵיךְ, לֹא יָרֵאתָ, לִשְׁלֹחַ יָדְךָ, לְשַׁחֵת אֶת-מְשִׁיחַ יְהוָה. 14 And David said unto him: 'How wast thou not afraid to put forth thy hand to destroy the LORD'S anointed?'

~Samuel II 1:14

Thus the armour-bearer does not kill Saul because he is afraid to do so. And once Saul has fallen upon his sword, his armour-bearer also falls upon his sword. The verse states that 'Saul and his three sons and the armour-bearer' and all the other men died upon that day.

I think this is meant to hint to the fact that a part of David died that day. When Saul and Jonathan died, a part of David died as well. That is why this armour-bearer is mentioned specifically in the pasuk. Otherwise, why is that man worthy of particular mention? Why not simply include him in the statement 'all the other men died that day?' On the deeper level, these words refer to the original armour-bearer, who died, in an emotional if not physical sense, that day. Thus David's long, keening lament in honor of Saul and Jonathan; he is not only mourning them but himself, who loved and was forged by them.

As we already know, David loved Saul and wished him no harm. There were many times that he could have killed him but refrained from doing so. He loved Jonathan as well, and he believed Jonathan's words. If there must be a future in which David would rule, he wished that it would be in this way:

יז וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו אַל-תִּירָא, כִּי לֹא תִמְצָאֲךָ יַד שָׁאוּל אָבִי, וְאַתָּה תִּמְלֹךְ עַל-יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְאָנֹכִי אֶהְיֶה-לְּךָ לְמִשְׁנֶה; וְגַם-שָׁאוּל אָבִי, יֹדֵעַ כֵּן. 17 And he [Jonathan] said unto him [David]: 'Fear not; for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.'

~Samuel I 23: 17

One cannot escape God. If God desired David's rule, David believed that it would take place in this way, where Jonathan would be second-in-command, David's advisor. This was something Jonathan and even Saul knew to be the case. And now this had completely changed...for Jonathan was dead.

Thus, for Saul and especially Jonathan to die was for a part of David to die. He was the armour-bearer who could not kill Saul, the one who metaphorically 'fell upon his sword' when he saw the King had died. A part of him died with Saul and his sons; this part of himself would never be recalled. Why was it necessary to know that David was Saul's armour-bearer? Why was it necessary to list the armour-bearer amidst the list of royalty who died, instead of including him in the statement 'and all the other men?' It is because that armour-bearer was, in the emotional and metaphorical sense, no other than David.

~

P.S. If you want to get really crazy, you can argue that there was no armour bearer. Saul was talking to a figment within his mind which presented itself as his armour bearer, David. He told David to kill him but he refused, as was his wont. That's why, when the Philistines come in Samuel I 31: 8, they find Saul and his three sons but there is no mention of this armour bearer. The conversation with the Amalekite lad happened afterwards, when Saul realized that his imaginary David would not acquiesce to his request. Despairing and realizing that in the end 'one of those uncircumcised ones' would run him through, Saul found a certain poetic justice in having an Amalekite lad (the reason for his downfall and the loss of his kingdom- because he did not kill out all the Amalekites) kill him, rather than a Philistine. But this idea is more my conjecture and would be much harder to prove.

Saul & David

If David lived a life of complete agony, Saul's well defined endless pain. Chosen as King when he did not wish it, compelled to fight battle after battle against God's enemies, having been willing to sacrifice his son for breaking the command he gave that they must fast that day (does this show how much he valued God?) while nonetheless angrily shouting at that son because he defied his father and weakened his claim to the monarchy, and what is worst, knowing that he walked to his death, entering that battle doomed and knowing his sons, too, were doomed...having lied to them that they would live (as Samuel only appeared to him, and no one else), having had the spirit of God depart from him and the spirit of darkness settle on him...his life was in many ways cursed. The dark depression caused by this spirit of madness and unhappiness that haunted him creates one of the most fascinating, complex, and intriguing characters in Tanakh. Ecclesiastes and Samuel have always been my favorite sefarim for this reason.

There's a television show I watch that is a modern-day version of the Book of Shmuel (with obvious twists, tweaks and departures from the biblical story) that is nonetheless brilliantly done. It helped me understand better Saul's character and his descent into madness. The episode entitled 'The Sabbath Queen' was brilliantly moving in that way; Saul never seemed as real to me as he does now. (Warning: This TV show is by no means for everybody, especially not those who have not spent time studying the actual book of Shmuel and could easily be confused between what happens and does not happen in Shmuel's account. It is also not for those who cannot bear with scholarly conjecture, and thus, departures from the Judaic approach.)

Perhaps one of the (many fascinating) ideas presented within this episode was the Angel of Death's depiction as a woman. I have never thought of the Angel of Death as posessing the sadistic, cruel grace of a woman in manipulating, torturing and otherwise killing her prey. The Jewish approach has him as being more of a straightforward character; he comes and collects souls as that is his job- but does not take pleasure in the pain of others. Also interesting, they equated the Angel of Death with the dark spirit that rested upon Saul. Now I am curious to see whether any traditional commentary defines the ruach ra'ah that afflicts him as synonymous with Satan.

My Laptop Is Melting

You have reached a whole new level of computer woes when, after your DVD player not only does not play but scratches discs, Paint does not work, iTunes killed itself, and even Windows Media Player won't play certain videos (and yes, I downloaded the most current version), your laptop is melting.

I opened my laptop tonight to reveal what appeared to be a burst of steam (steam!) and then noticed that contrary to happily hibernating, my laptop keyboard has actually further degenerated in the course of one night than it had the year over. Yes, the space bar has been melting for a while, but the damage to the E, D and S keys all happened over the course of this one day.

Observe:




However, I think that this simply gives my laptop character. Yes, that's right. My laptop has been used and bears its battle-scars and medallions proudly. I don't want to give it up. I love it. And so it shall remain with me, melting keys and all. It's actually really fun to type on; the melted plastic exactly fits the pads of my fingers. And I've grown accustomed to the frightening lava-like temperature of my keyboard. It warms my (usually cold) hands. But question for the audience: do any of you have laptops that are melting?

The Miriam Webster Shidductionary

I read Adventures in the Produce Aisle and other 'Perelous' Tales by Perel Grossman today. (I'm still trying to figure out how to get ahold of a copy of The House of A Thousand Lanterns so in the meantime, I read whatever I can get my hands on...) The part I found particularly funny was 'The Miriam Webster Shidductionary.' You see, I have friends who were actually told they have "too much personality" or are "too sophisticated" and suchlike...Props to you, Perel, for making me smile today. It's not so easy to do.

I'm going to copy the Shidductionary over with the understanding that you really ought to either take the book out of the library, buy it, etc. And that all credit goes to Perel. And if Perel wishes me to take down this post I shall happily comply. I just thought I should bring this wondrous list to the knowledge of the public.

~

MALE-RELATED TERMS

Young:

(1) born after Mesushelach
(2) younger than he looks
(3) 19-21
(4) young at heart, but a valuable Social Security asset
(5) still has most of his original hair

Bright: always had a lot of potential throughout high school, no achievement, just potential

Slim: a testimony to the bad food at the yeshivah

Heavyset/ big-boned: purchases two seats on the airplane

Wonderful Family: very open to all types of "interesting" people, even you (see "interesting")

A little "out of the box": wears suspenders and a bow tie...to the swimming pool

Interesting: weird

Soft-Spoken: has not uttered a word on a date since 1998

Lively: jumps from subject to subject with lots to say on the central theme (himself)

Full of "simchas hachaim": every day is Purim

Tall: 5'7"

Short: very

Average: short and/or overweight

Sophisticated: knows the appropriate name for the William Tell Overture (hint: not the "Lone Ranger Song")

Shtark: displays the gleaming-eyed, maniacal look of a "kana'ee"

Best Boy in [fill in the blank]: he is registered in that yeshivah

Warm: greets the parents before taking the girl out

Ba'al Middos: middos tovos or middos ra'os?

The Top Boy in [fill in the blank]: when the bachurim get together to form a human pyramid so they can hoist one guy high enough to reach the cake that the cook hid, he is the "top boy"

Capable: has been known to take out the garbage

Health-conscious: drinks lite beer with his Thursday night cholent

Financially secure:

(1) has been single for a long, long time
(2) secure in the hope that his future shver has ample finances
(3) employed at the same job for six months or more

Worldly: has been outside the Flatbush-Lakewood-Monsey area

Handy: can screw in a light bulb (providing his wife buys it)

Black Hat: wears a black hat

Gray Hat: wears a gray hat

No Hat: tries to observe the Torah and all of its commandments without the aid of a Borsalino (Insert Chana laughing her head off- this one greatly entertained me)

Dresses well:

(1) yeshivah bachur: Both his socks are the same color.
(2) "fancy" boy: His socks are the same color and of the same pattern.
(3) businessman: The cost of his shoes and belt are equivalent.

Long-Term Learner: the t'naim will include a formal contract of support

One-to-Two Year Learner:

(1) will learn as long as the wedding money lasts
(2) would love to go to work right now, but will never find a shidduch if he does

FEMALE-RELATED TERMS

Slim: owns a good pair of control tops

A little "out of the box": speaks Latin to the meshulachim

Interesting: weird

Lively: non-stop yapper

Tall: has to bend double to pass under thresholds

Sophisticated: knows the name of the president of the U.S.

Out-of-Townish: understands the meaning of ahavas Yisrael

Bubbly: an airhead

Ba'alas chessed: cooks with a can opener, never met a microwaveable dish she didn't love

Capable: can set the table (with plastic!)

Yeshivish: her family puts the Yated on the coffee table, keeps Hamodia in the kitchen

Middle-of-the-Road: her family puts Hamodia on the coffee table, keeps The Jewish Press in the kitchen

Modern: her family gets their news from the inter-you-know-what

Down-to-earth: wears crocs to simchas

A Natural Beauty: make-up has never crossed her face (and not for lack of need!)

Health-conscious: eats macrobiotic, practices yoga, relies on alternative medicine, uses only plant-based detergents. Meditates on dates.

Funky: her earrings are larger than her sunglasses; her purse could accomodate a week's worth of clothing. Funky, of course.

Stylish: her clothing bears everyone's name but her own

Dresses sensibly: rubber-soled shoes, bulletproof hose, navy-blue polyester suit, button-down shirt

Geshikt: makes fabulous Rice Krispy Treats

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Here we offer a special addendum to help "decode" the phrases most frequently used to end a relationship:

No Chemistry: [an explanation in three parts]

I. Money + Yichus= Chemistry
II. PHD (Papa Has Dough) + FIR (Father Is Rosh Yeshivah) = CWC (Couple With Chemistry)
III. No Swiss Bank Account + No Father In Chinuch = Lack of Chemistry

We're moving in two different directions: He's moving down the fast lane at 90 mph in his Ferrari; she's riding the bus to catch a shiur on vegetable checking.

We have different values: The value of his bank account is less than the value of her childhood piggy bank.

She stopped accepting my calls: He thought maybe the phone was broken, so...he started appearing at her windows. Restraining order followed.

He's not serious enough about his learning: On their first date, she asked him if he would lie down in front of a moving train if it meant learning Torah for a few extra minutes. He had the chutzpah to ask, "Which train?"

She's too quiet: Like dating a glass of Diet Coke. (Chana: For some reason, this also made me laugh.)

He's too intense: He intensely dislikes me. The feeling is mutual.

Her mother "killed" it: Was it the T-shirt and suit combo?

He doesn't really want to get married: He doesn't want to marry me.

She doesn't have time for a man in her life: She put a three-hour cap on our phone conversations.

Personality Clash: I have a personality, she doesn't...

He has a bad temper: He was a little out of sorts after waiting two hours for her. No explanation given.

She's too "into" gashmius: She suggested I get a new car; just a few loose springs in the seat- no biggie...

We are looking for different things: He is looking for a young bride; she is looking for someone who was born in the same decade.

She's not cut out to be a kollel wife: What was the giveaway? The Gucci bag or the Manolo Blahnik pumps?

SIGNS THAT THE DATE IS NOT GOING WELL

15. The waiter is more eloquent than your date.

14. The waiter has a better haircut than your date (spiked, gelled, and dyed lavender.)

13. The waiter is better dressed than your date.

12. The guy tries to forge a bond by calling her by her first name. Repeatedly. Too bad it is not Malky.

11. She says she just might be expecting a family emergency. Very possibly. Any minute now.

10. He goes to the bathroom and, moments later, his car is missing.

9. She tells him the appalling story of someone who had the nerve to hit her blue Honda at Shop-Rite last Friday and didn't even leave a note. He blanches and studies his fingernails with great intensity.

8. He asks for vodka in his milk shake.

7. She pops out her lens, swishes it in her mouth, and pops it back into her eye, pronouncing it "good as new."

6. He tries to pay for their meal at the five-star restaurant with coupons. They are expired. He won't take no for an answer.

5. She wishes he had worn a hat. He goes back to the car to get it. She sees it. She wishes he hadn't worn a hat.

4. The maitre d' sits down with them to try to stimulate conversation.

3. She closes her eyes and claps and sways to the background music.

2. He keeps a barf bag in his jacket pocket. Just in case.

1. She has no choice. The date must end. She goes to the ladies' room and pulls the fire alarm on the way out.

I hope that, armed with all of this important information, you will go out there and STOP THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS by getting engaged. As soon as possible. Hurry! My reputation is at stake.

~

I have to look over this list more closely and figure out which terms apply to me now...huzzah...!

Guide To Judaism

There are many paths in Judaism, and at first that seems confusing. In truth, however, it's not confusing at all. It works like so.

Everything begins with the heart. It begins with love and warmth. That is the start of all things. All seeds need light and water to grow. Aggadah before halakha. Spirit of the heart before the spirit of the mind, as R' Aaron would say. If people have pure intentions or yearn to do good or come close to their fellow men or God, that is exactly where they are supposed to be and where they should begin.

From here we progress to halakha. This is the mind. What begins in the heart becomes translated to the mind, and thereby, to proper action.

The different branches of Judaism (Chasidic, Litvish, etc) are just prioritizing for different people. Chasidim focus on beginnings. Thus, they focus on the heart. Litvaks are more concerned with the ending, the halakhic dedication to God and halakhic transformation and conquering of the world. Thus it makes sense that people may begin by being very, very attracted to the works of Chasiddus even though they have no other connection to Judaism and then may end up becoming very rationalistic, Maimonidean and Litvish. This is what happens (for some people) as they grow.

Aggada and the heart are the water, soil and light that nurture the seed. The beautiful flower bloom and the exquisite petals are those of halakha. But the plant will grow strong even without it.

Thus the conflicting stories that we hear. They are not conflicting at all; they are meant for different people at different stages. Does God desire the song of the flute when the boy played it for Him on Yom Kippur? Of course, yes. That's the aggada part- the beginning- the boy coming close to God. If the boy were to be taught more and knew better, would God desire him to keep halakha and not to play musical instruments on Yom Kippur? Also yes. Not contradictions, merely different stages for different individuals.

Some people claim aggada and halakha are exactly the same; there is no distinction at all. I disagree with them. If they think so, perhaps they were just lucky enough to be born to an understanding most don't immediately possess.

It all comes down to what kind of a person you are. Are you a person who works in beginnings or in endings? Or do you perhaps excel at both? The kind of people you should be teaching depend upon your allegiance and your strength. If you excel in beginnings and have the necessary love and appreciation rooted in Chasidic thought, you should teach little children or those beginning to come close to God. If you are a Litvak to the core and halakha is in your blood, you belong with the scholars and those who already know enough to appreciate your comments. The worst thing that can happen is for the super-halakhicist to teach a classroom of beginners; he will destroy them.

I prefer beginnings; that is why I belong with the children and the ones who are curious to begin. That is because I myself am always at beginnings. Other people are better at keeping halakha and respecting it than I am. That is not to say that I don't keep it; only that it is much more difficult for me. They are the ones who will teach the ones who have learned enough to progress to that level. Those who have the necessary foundation of love and warmth can progress to loving God's law and excel at all things halakhic. Those who have been burned by the law and hate it cannot be taught that way. Carlebach stated this when he discussed the "Israeli soldiers who ate not three but five times on Yom Kippur just to show you" but who was fascinated to know Judaism was comprised of more than just laws, rules and halakha. Carlebach offered to learn R' Kook with him and the soldier was thrilled.

That's because one touches the heart first and allows the soul and heart to come close to God. Then, if the individual desires it, they come close to God through the halakha. But this is why everyone in the world who is sincerely, honestly seeking is beautiful. Because no matter what they do and how halakhically incorrect it may be, it is the idea, intention and beginning behind it that God cares about. By touching the heart one opens the mind. Thus it is necessary to love all people and not to focus on their halakhic observance. Halakha is the ending...it comes with time. It's the people who matter, more than the halakhic correctness or lack thereof of their actions.

The most frustrating thing is when people persist in seeing this as being complicated. It is the simplest thing in the world. It's what R' Akiva espouses. Love everybody first- then teach them the laws. Love them, listen to them, hear them, touch them, and then they will want to come close to God and will discover the halakha and the ways they can approach Him. But we do not begin by teaching rules and regulations. The only thing that does is disgust people and leave them feeling estranged; they are all sinners and damned, or so they think. Just love people, really love them, and let them grow. They don't have to grow the way you want them to- it doesn't matter if they never keep kosher in their whole lives! They just have to be growing close to God. All of our service is different; God will judge us on our level. I plan on visiting many of my non-religious and non-Jewish friends in their castles in heaven, and I know they will be equal to if not higher than mine. That's the Midrash in Bereshit Rabbati- Ninus the Butcher & R' Joshua ben Ulam. (Alternatively, Shmuel the Butcher, who saved the captive woman.) The butcher and the sage were seated together...God only knows which fantastic people He'll seat us next to! Thus we must love everyone; it's only practical. The person I meet on the street tomorrow may end up being my eternal companion in Heaven. Thus, you're protecting your own self-interest in looking to love others. That's how I see it, anyway.

My Friend!

Seal is my favorite artist. He's probably the only artist I would actually want to hear live in concert. In any case, I absolutely love his song 'Newborn Friend.' (Lyrics.)


Newborn Friend - Seal

I wash my faith in dirty water,
Cause it gives my mind a little order.
And I play that game, just like I should do.
But my whole world, slips away.
[...]
Ohh, I know the reason,
I'm not enough.
There's nothing more... But,
If I chant for happiness, maybe that will make me feel better.
I can't changes my ideals, I can't put out the fire.
[...]
I'll be your newborn friend and I'll...
Sing loud... Sing loud... Sing loud... my friend
Gonna sing louder sing loud sing loud my friend
To my friend my friend and I...
I'll sing love, sing loud, sing a little louder of my friend.
Ohh, my darlin friend my friend my friend

And then I love his song 'Amazing.' (Lyrics.)

The best part of that song is the verse: "I want you to always feel you're amazing."

Ah, my friend, my friend, even though you won't hear me, I hope you always feel you're amazing. And I think I shall do as Seal advises...chant for happiness because maybe that will make me feel better. And I'll sing of my friend whom I love so well, the friend with all my blessings.