It's been a while since the last time we chatted.
I feel sometimes like my life is a dance to the tune of the Moonlight Sonata. The revved up version by Jason Yang, specifically. There's so much beauty and so much misery in it, so many shades and twists, so many times that you throw all the scarves up in the air and have them come down to earth as a sparkling multicolored rubber band ball. My life is a dance performed by reckless trapeze artists, tightrope walkers who jumprope on the wires without nets. I see their bodies as they curve, their necks as they strain and then tighten with anticipation, waiting for the jump. Then they fall, gracefully, climbing through air, extending their limbs and they contort and twirl and make the leap. And there they are, their legs coiled around the wooden bar.
Ballerinas on wooden slats. I find myself caught within it, this curious dance full of melancholy and empathy and a unique, vivid sheen, like that of teardrops just glazing the eye. It disappears in a blink. And then there's the rain, so purifying. I see these women stretch their bodies, their long limber legs; I see them black-in-white in leotards that are elegant in their simplicity. These nameless women perform in the rain and the water mats their hair and slicks it back and glitters on their hands like so many diamonds.
I cried a lot today. I wanted that little boy to live again.
I wished we had an Elijah or Elisha to bring him back to life.
I wished there was a Valley of Dry Bones so the flesh could knit back together, the hands and feet rejoin the torso, the little child rise from the dead.
I wonder sometimes what the Resurrection of the Dead will be like. Perhaps it will be that wondrous, with the bodies coming together, the spirit then resting within once more. And all who see it will be dazed, amazed, shocked by the power that is Yours.
I don't think I'd much like to be resurrected if the choice were to be with You or to be back on earth. Why would a soul want to walk the earth again? There's so much darkness here and there's so much beauty with You. I suppose the only consolation to those of us who do walk the earth is that You have given us the tools to make a difference, that somehow we can do something here that will make our lives worthwhile and even meaningful.
I love life and I love the world you created. I love the green hue of the leaves on the trees, the birds that sing and cluck, the chipmunks that dart through the underbrush, the neon lights and glittering sidewalks of Times Square. I love the pretty things here. But how would any of that compare to the opportunity to be with You? I imagine it's much harder to be on earth than it is to walk in heaven.
I wonder about the little boy's soul. Where is it now? Have you placed him beside You? Why did You choose him to serve as our atonement?
ח וַיֹּאמֶר, אַבְרָהָם, אֱלֹהִים יִרְאֶה-לּוֹ הַשֶּׂה לְעֹלָה, בְּנִי; וַיֵּלְכוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם, יַחְדָּו. 8 And Abraham said: 'God will provide Himself the lamb for a burnt-offering, my son.' So they went both of them together.
Why this child?
What made him Your Chosen?
What quality set him aside?
How lucky he is to be with You now, but how sad Your taking him has made his family and all of us. It's the agent You employed that horrifies us all. When You send the serpent or the animal, we learn to understand. But when it is a man with free will who exercises it to harm another, we are hurt.
I wonder what soul this child had. It must have been a very special one to be accompanied to God in such a way. Thousands upon thousands of people attended the funeral, just as occurs by the most righteous ones. I wonder what kind of conversation he had with You before he was sent to this earth. What did this soul ask of You?
I wonder sometimes: what did my soul ask of You? Why did I ask it? I feel rather often that my life is just like "Paycheck." I talked to You and prepared the envelope that would let me destroy the machine back before I was born, when I was just a soul. But once back on earth, I forgot everything. Now my life consists of following the train of events that occur due to the envelope items, but I don't know why I have them or where they lead. I just know that I have to follow them.