I've made up my mind as to where I'll be going to school.
So let's just say: See you in New York next year!
This past week, I spent a Shabbos at the University of Chicago. It was a beautiful Shabbos, and there were and are many ways in which I would grow as a Jew if I had decided to attend that school. The question is not whether I would stay religious if I went there- that is essentially a given.
The question became- or perhaps it always was- who is Chana? And what is important to her?
And I realized that challenging and honing one part of my mind would not be enough for me. I am a whole person, and as a whole person I need my Judaics. Rather, I need to be challenged Judaically. I can supplement my English studies; I cannot supplement my Judaica.
Which was hard. Because it meant letting go of a dream.
It meant looking at this dream-Chana, the dream-Chana who has the ability to dazzle the world, attend a famous and prestigious grad school, hobnob with intellectuals and future Nobel Laureates, looking at her and saying- No.
Not, "No, I will never do this." Not, "No, my life is ruined, I will never fulfill my dreams." Not even, "No, I cannot be as great as I wished to be."
Because I believe I can still fulfill this dream if I choose to do so. I can be the exception. I shall not be the typical or stereotypical "Stern girl." I will simply fulfill my dream differently.
It meant saying no to one dream, and replacing it with a different one.
Do I want the University of Chicago? Yes, I do. I love their academics, I love their people, I love their facilities, their amenities, their libraries. I want everything there. I want my dream-Chana. But the only way I could go there is if I weren't Chana.
The truth is- if I weren't Jewish I would go there in a heartbeat. Easiest decision ever made.
But what I realized is that not only am I Jewish, but I have the ability to give over Judaism. I felt like there was so much I could contribute to the Hillel there, if I chose to attend, and there was also a lot I would gain simply from being a part of that environment; eating Shabbos dinner with people of all different affiliations. But as I was thinking this, I couldn't help but realize, My God, if I can give this now, what could I give if I knew more? If I can be the teacher-the enthusiast- the individualist- now, then who could I be?
I felt it would be a crime to sacrifice that part of myself- the part that has the aptitude for Chumash and Tanakh. It would be...a waste. And it would leave me only half-fulfilled.
Because I could be...oh, I can be!...brilliant, when it comes to English. My education at U of C would have been brilliant. I would have been tested, challenged, prodded, forced to reevaluate my ideas and opinions- I would have been amidst my peers and equals, and I would have thrived.
But at what expense?
Last night was painful. I was mourning my dream. I let it drift away from me, flying up towards the sky, perhaps to stand before God. I saw myself as I could be...and I realized it could not be.
Perhaps the worst part is that I have made this decision myself. My parents had nothing to do with it. They said nothing. It was and is completely up to me. They were both completely shocked; they had assumed I would go to U of C. Everything I had stated pointed toward that conclusion.
We shall see. I'm going to Stern. I'm going to develop both parts of my mind. And I'm going to do my damndest to be brilliant, but it shall come about in a different way.
כב וְרָאִיתִי, כִּי אֵין טוֹב מֵאֲשֶׁר יִשְׂמַח הָאָדָם בְּמַעֲשָׂיו--כִּי-הוּא, חֶלְקוֹ: כִּי מִי יְבִיאֶנּוּ לִרְאוֹת, בְּמֶה שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אַחֲרָיו.
22 Wherefore I perceived that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his works; for that is his portion; for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?
Ecclesiastes 3:22
19 comments:
Best of luck, Chana. :-) I know you can thrive wherever you go. Making decisions is hard because you can never travel both paths, but, on the other hand, there always seem to be more choices in the future than you ever thought possible.
Wow. I'm not sure what to say. Since I've never been one to let go of dreams that have actually knocked on my door. Or wait, maybe I have...
Best of luck!
Chana: Much much hatzlacha -- and don't forget how lucky you are to have been given such a "difficult" decision in the first place!
I'm sure you'll be a fantastic academic scholar at Stern, make yourself (and all of us ;-) very proud -- and you'll be very content with the "Jewish" side of your decision as well.
Chana, mazal tov on your scholarship and mazal tov on making the decision you made. It was hard but IMO you made the right decision, and have the potential to be a credit to Klal Yisrael.
And there is still graduate school....
Chana,
Congratulations!
Fulfill your dreams and dazzle the world.
It may just take a bit more effort:
אִם-קֵהָה הַבַּרְזֶל, וְהוּא לֹא-פָנִים קִלְקַל, וַחֲיָלִים, יְגַבֵּר; וְיִתְרוֹן הַכְשֵׁיר, חָכְמָה.
Kohelet 10:10
And perhaps the fact that this decision was made by independently by you was the best part.
A difficult decision but a good one. Don't think of it as giving up your dream... just as a different version of a dream and you will make the most of the path that you have chosen. And there's always a post-grad and places to go after Stern :)
Hazlacha Raba :)
Good luck Chana. It's decisions like this that define who we are. I made a similar decision 8 years ago and haven't looked back; I wish for you that you enjoy YU as much as I did.
Much like LabRab, I made a similar decision a few years ago [and am working on another, bigger one as we speak]. Best of luck - and well thought out. You're continually impressive. :)
"Last night was painful. I was mourning my dream. I let it drift away from me, flying up towards the sky, perhaps to stand before God."
Geez, no need to be so dramatic. So you chose the crappy school over the good school in order to be around frum people. Not the end of the world.
On behalf of U of C, I say "aw, shucks."
On behalf of somebody who cares about your development as a person, I say that I'm glad that you made this decision the way you did, glad that you have come to a conclusion that will express yourself the best way possible, glad that you didn't settle, and so on and so forth.
Don't think of it as burying the dream Chana, but as creating a new dream Chana. Every second, every decision.
Best of luck
Best of luck! Listen, if you ever need any help or anything while you're here (in NYC), feel free to call me anytime! In fact, if you just need a friend or anything, I'll be around! : ) I'm not a Stern student, but NYC is a wonderful place, and you won't find academic challenges lacking!
You will surely do well wherever you venuture; I do think it is a bit arrogant to believe oneself to be so superior to others- Stern is a fine school and I know that all those a bit older than you would surely agree that there is no one road to success and certainly no guarantees in life- Good luck for sure and ease up on putting down Stern- I bet you'll learn more than you can now imagine.
1) The amazing thing of this time of your life is the sheer potential in the number and variety of unopened doors available. Part of growing up is passing through some of them. One the one hand it means there are others you never pass through. On the other hand by passing through them you take some of the potentialities and make them actual.
2) My wife wants to get on the list for having you out to NJ for a Shabbat once you get settled. I'm guessing that means sophmore year. :>)
To the first anonymous- it was a big decision for me, and what you think of as drama was actually how I felt. Your way of putting it is also wrong- it wasn't that simple a decision.
To the second anonymous- Think it's arrogant all you like. I was never the one to claim to be humble. *smile* Moreover, the term "superior" need not be employed. The term "well-read" might suit, however.
Larry- Thank you so much! I'd very much like to accept. :)
Hi Chana! I've sort of been a fly on the wall for a while, but I just wanted to let you know this: About a year ago, back in the days when I actually kept a journal, I wrote a heart-rending entry about a dream of mine that I let go of. The funny part was for me that I didn't even know if I wanted that dream, which was to be a Judaic Studies teacher, inspiring my students to be the best they can. After months of wondering whether I should do it, I finally came to the decision that it wasn't for me. I cried like you wouldn't believe. It just pained me to let it go. Fast forward about a year, and where am I now. Teaching Judaic studies, (hopefully) inspiring my students...the point is that we never know what our future will bring. Dreams may or may not be fulfilled, but remember, life will surprise you. I guarantee it. Good luck in Stern; I think you'll do wonderfully!
Dearest Semgirl,
I'm curious to know what you mean by the slutty girls of Stern. Do you know any of them who you find to be promiscuous? Are these rumors? What have you seen? Thanks...
Okee,
Thank you. Perhaps I can still have my dream.
Are you sure you're only 17? Anyway, I hope you'll be pleased with your choices in life... and if you're not, then remember that you aren't really the driver after all.
But from here it sounds like you made the right decision for you, and none of the rest of us should presume to second-guess you. Your reasoning is well-thought out, and your writing is beautiful.
Best of luck in college and beyond.
Hmm, seems like some strong opinions. Fortunately, only one that matters, and she seems at peace with her decision. Chana - choosing a college, like anything, requires a personal assessment. There's no one school that's right for everybody. Do people go to Stern and become not frum? Yes. Do people go to UofC and become frum? Yes. Does that mean that those are unquestionable formulas? Hardly. You did your research, and you know the one elemental factor that is important more than we ever will - yourself. Good luck next year, and I'll be happy to share my knowledge of Stern (and UofC if you still want it)!
Elster - I think you read more into SG's comments than was meant. Her point is that people fall into a trap of the Yetzer Hora when they are surrounded by Frum people - they think they don't have to choose their friends carefully, since everybody is frum. But we all know that frum has many different levels. Somebody can go to Stern, and think that whatever girls there do is frum and acceptable. But sadly, this isn't 100% the case. Whereas a student at a secular college knows that 99% of the school doesn't share the same values as a frum person, and therefore automatically hesitates before joining her peers. So it's not a question of absolutes, but a question of relative strength. Some people have the inner power to go against the grain of 99% of a school, and come out with a much stronger view of self-identity. Sadly, however, this is the vast minority. The same is true in the first scenario. That is why each individual needs to consider which will be a greater test for herself. The important thing is that she is aware of all the factors when making her decision.
SG - Notwithstanding the above, I believe you are letting your personal prejudices jade your view. You are correct that all Stern students don't represent the frummest of standards, even in the Modern Orthodox world. But the frum world is not intrinsically corrupt, and one need not abandon the frum community to discover oneself.
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