The Curious Jew

Love

2012-01-25T22:55:00.004-05:00

Love is an emotion that suffuses me; it washes over me like the cleansing rain. I am filled with it, replete with it; it is an airy substance that is insubstantial and yet integral. Love comes upon me in waves, like an ocean. It rises and subsides. I feel love for my children.

I find that I feel love for what I admire. I admire my children because I think the way that they try so hard is amazing. I am impressed by their effort and by the amazing results they produce. I find their insights and their questions to be fascinating. I am thrilled and touched by how their minds work. I love these questions that are so simple and yet to which I often have no answer. Oftentimes I simply haven't thought of them before.

I also find that I feel love for something beautifully executed. When I see a sport played to perfection, when I see a play performed with joy and integrity, when I see somebody transformed by who they become when they are lost within the passion and the joy of an experience, I feel a surge of love towards them, sometimes even a oneness with them.

In these moments, all I want to do is find a way to pass on this feeling of gladness and joy to the children who create the feeling in me. I want them to see how much I value them and their achievements and accomplishments. I want them to realize that I love that they climbed the mountain and that I think the sight of them standing on the tip is breathtaking. I want them to see how incredible I think they are. In these moments, what I want to do most of all is share.

I admire my children. I admire the effort they put into their work, their questions, their intelligence, their passions and the things which they do well. I find them to be made in the image of God and I find that this shines through whether they wish it to or not. I am gladdened by them and I find my days to be less weary because of them.

They also make me laugh. They entertain me and their antics in class amuse me. We have the "Sassy Much?" slogan in one class and various other catchphrases in other classes. I'm still working on learning how to be better at classroom discipline and firmness, but I know I've got the love part down. And I know that this is what drives me when I feel sad.

Who knew that love for a child could be such an uplifting force? It's not even a child's love for me. I'm not in their hearts and I don't know what they feel. But I know what I feel towards them and even that is enough to make the difference. They are treasures- sometimes frustrating, disrespectful, authority-challenging, difficult people- but treasures nonetheless. And I feel like God has Chosen me to work with them and I struggle to try to ensure that I am worthy of His Choice.

Love floats banners and carries ships; it buoys me up and sinks my discomfort. It is the magical antidote to misery, and for me there is something specific to the love of children that makes it matter more.

Things that Move Me

2012-01-25T22:49:00.002-05:00

-Watching my blondish brown haired boy with a basketball in his hand, performing the most graceful, elegant dance possible as he speeds down the court, performs multiple passes and then swishes the ball through the net. This dance is gorgeous and I feel like I'm watching a thing of beauty when I see it.

-Reading projects that my children turn in to me and realizing that they are full of incredible insight and depth. I feel like I am standing in the presence of greatness and this in turn makes me feel indebted to them. My children spill over with spiritual potential and insight, and I love that I get to witness this and am a party to that sparkle of God that rests within them.

The love that I feel towards my children is more consuming than almost any other feeling I have and it is one that fills me with joy. I feel uplifted and excited upon witnessing their accomplishments and I am thrilled by everything that they do well in. I am glad to be a part of their lives and I feel like the edges of our pictures meet, so that my Polaroid corner blurs a bit into theirs. And for this I am grateful.

Sleep No More: My 23rd Birthday Masquerade

2011-12-31T18:27:00.003-05:00

Married for a year and having thrown my own gala party (albeit a Chanukah celebration for my beloved students), it's now my pleasure to invite you all to my yearly birthday masquerade. The song this time is "Masquerade" by Ashley Tisdale (lyrics here). Enjoy.

This year I turn...23.

Here's my formal invitation
You and me go masquerading
Lose ourselves in this charade and
Is this love we're imitating?
Do we want what we've got?
If not I say so what
Here's my formal invitation
Let's go, let's go masquerading

Last year's entertainment can be found here.

The rules, as always, require you to devise an anonymous handle for yourself (comment under an assumed name, not your real one and not that of your blog), create a costume and offer me a gift. The gift does not have to be tangible. Your costumes and gifts should be creative and expressive of various aspects of your personality. You are welcomed, of course, to my party. In the style of "Sleep No More," scenes are being acted out all around you - whether of a guilt-wracked Macbeth, a mad Lady Macbeth or a ghostly Banquo is up to you. As you wander through my many rooms, your faces concealed, what madness or pleasure do you find? As always, the choice is yours.

Sinat Chinam

2011-12-29T17:43:00.002-05:00

אבל מקדש שני שהיו עוסקין בתורה ובמצות וגמילות חסדים מפני מה חרב מפני שהיתה בו שנאת חנם ללמדך ששקולה שנאת חנם כנגד שלש עבירות ע"ז גלוי עריות ושפיכות דמים רשעים היו אלא שתלו בטחונם בהקב"ה אתאן למקדש ראשון דכתיב (מיכה ג) ראשיה בשוחד ישפוטו וכהניה במחיר יורו ונביאיה בכסף יקסומו ועל ה' ישענו לאמר הלא ה' בקרבנו לא תבוא עלינו רעה לפיכך הביא עליהן הקב"ה ג' גזרות כנגד ג' עבירות שבידם שנאמר (מיכה ג) לכן בגללכם ציון שדה תחרש וירושלים עיין תהיה והר הבית לבמות יער ובמקדש ראשון לא הוה ביה שנאת חנם

Why was the First Temple destroyed? Because of three evils in it: idolatry, sexual immorality and bloodshed . . . But why was the Second Temple destroyed, seeing that during the time it stood people occupied themselves with Torah, with observance of precepts, and with the practice of charity? Because during the time it stood, hatred without rightful cause prevailed. This is to teach you that hatred without rightful cause is deemed as grave as all the three sins of idolatry, sexual immorality and bloodshed together.

~Yoma 9b

~

I watched this clip of what is going on in Beit Shemesh. It made me cry.

I thought: Is it not obvious that this is Sinat Chinam in action? And then I thought: Of course not. Everyone thinks they have a reason for why they can and should hate others. They think their reason is the Torah. Imagine! According to them, the Torah says they should spit on seven-year-old girls, and that this is not Sinat Chinam. In fact, according to one person in the video, they are the victims- they are the ones who others hate baselessly.

Sinat Chinam destroyed our second Temple.

Who is to say whether it will destroy our State? If you truly believe the State of Israel is Reishit Tzmichat Geulateinu, then you know that it is God-given. What God gives, He can take away. He enabled the Babylonians to destroy our Beit HaMikdash and he can enable others to do away with the State.

And so it makes me sad when someone in that video calls out that no rules apply to them, only Torah and mitzvot. It's when people forget that Torah calls upon them to fulfill the Mitzvot Ben Adam L'Chaveiro that Sinat Chinam is able to insidiously enter our lives.

Differing Declarations On The Orthodox Response to Homosexuality

2011-12-28T19:51:00.006-05:00

Last year in July, many rabbis (the majority of them Modern Orthodox) banded together to publish the Statement of Principles regarding homosexuality within the Orthodox community. You can read that statement here.

An alternative statement referred to as The Torah Declaration (otherwise known as the Declaration on the Torah Approach to Homosexuality) has been created. This declaration is signed by those who are more to the right in the Orthodox world (it does include prominent YU rabbis such as R' Herschel Schacter and R' Moshe Tendler).

There are several differences between the two statements. The major difference is that in The Torah Declaration, the rabbanim declare that same-sex attractions can be modified and healed through reparative therapy. In contrast, the Statement of Principles signed by those who are Modern Orthodox asserts:

I am not sure which statement I am most in accord with. The empathic, humanistic side of me thinks the Statement of Principles is more correct. On the other hand, I think that those who put their names to The Torah Declaration are willing to flaunt society and stand up for what they believe is true and right, including their belief that God would not create someone who has no chance for marital happiness in this world. I applaud the people who wrote and signed The Torah Declaration and yet don't feel that I (not that I am in their league) could sign on to it.

I guess the question is whether God could create someone who has gay feelings but is mandated by the law not to act on those feelings or whether he would simply not have created someone who is only attracted to/ has feelings for the same sex in the first place. The Torah Declaration says God would not create someone who could never act upon his feelings. My philosophy of Judaism is one that includes pain, suffering and striving as valid paths for finding God, so I'm not sure that I see that as so definitive. I can imagine a God who creates someone who is attracted to the same sex but is charged not to act on those feelings. Why is that not a challenge like any other challenge?

The Drill Burrowing Into My Ceiling

2011-12-28T08:48:00.002-05:00

It is impossible to sleep or live in my apartment. The drilling here is INSANE.

It's my vacation, people! Have mercy.

Off to go do other stuff....since sleep is clearly not an option.

YU Beacon= Trash

2011-12-20T16:27:00.003-05:00

It shouldn't bother me that the YU Beacon publishes trash, but it does.

It bothers me that this editor claims she isn't publishing controversy for the sake of controversy, when there's clearly no other reason to publish this piece of crap.

Crap where some idiot says that rabbis permit condoms but not birth control pills and also posits that birth control pills can abort babies. (This woman has no grip on reality- or science for that matter.)

If you want to talk about this issue, note that it already has been talked about. (Again, the Beacon does absolutely no research.) Read "The Halakhic Parameters of Delaying Procreation" by Rabbi Moshe Kahn. Then, if you have something to add, or a play to write- do so.

Birth Control

My Feelings Take Precedence Over Your Jewish Values

2011-12-10T22:57:00.004-05:00

"And actually I think that is the important role that atheists play in the contemporary world. They refuse to let religious organizations or leaders get away with sloppy thinking or acceptance of something as the Will of God when clearly God wants us to change that thing and transform the world. They challenge religion whenever it is a source of intolerance or hate and in that respect, I like atheists and I feel enlarged by them. But as for the angry atheists- the figures that we all know of- I call them our contemporary intellectual equivalent of 'road rage'- those guys I think are not the kind of atheists that I respect because what they write about is a caricature of religion, not the real thing."

~Rabbi Jonathan Sacks on Dialogue with Atheists

***

It's just an article, so why does it bother me so much?

I think it bothers me because it is representative of a trend in Modern Orthodoxy on a whole. It is a trend I find disquieting and upsetting, one that troubles me in the extreme. That trend is that whatever I feel or find to be difficult must be spoken about publicly, dealt with publicly and anyone who dares to not accept me or to differ from me must be whipped into line. And I think that this idea is representative of sloppy thinking in our student body, thinking that originates in the heart rather than one's brain.

The thinking is as follows: I am experiencing an issue; therefore others around me must also be experiencing that issue. If we are experiencing that issue together, the best way for us to deal with it is by stating our opinions loudly and publicly. Anyone who doesn't agree with our opinions must be shamed for failing to be sufficiently liberal, modern, tolerant or open-minded. Even those who might agree that the discussion ought to be held but disagree with the format must be accused of being close-minded.

I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like much of a discussion to me.

When the YU Beacon was first founded, I expressed tentative support for it. My concern was that they seemed to be pushing the envelope without actually stating that this was their agenda. In fact, the comment thread included comments from the editors that said that is exactly what they were not doing. One editor stated "We are not trying to create controversy or push the limits with every article (hence the tame Maccabeats one, and many others which are neutral). We would like the paper simply to be a regular student paper which won't cover up anything but will also include more "mundane" articles."

Whether the editors intended it or not, the YU Beacon seems to be read mainly as a scandal sheet, a kind of tabloid rag. A quick look at their Weekly Hits shows you that their most-read articles are the one posted up about premarital sex, an opinions piece about how sex shouldn't be openly discussed which includes the disclaimer that the author is not so close-minded as to tell others how to live their lives or not to discuss it (ironic), a piece about feminism in religion, a piece about how shomer negiah is no longer possible and therefore the lack thereof in committed relationships needs to be discussed lest people feel guilty (the horror, the horror) and a rant against the Hasidic community (among others).

So let me see. The go-to topics for the readers of this paper are: sex, more sex, feminism, shomer negiah (which is just disguised almost-sex) and community-bashing.

I think that a commitment to thoughtfully discussing issues of concern to students of Yeshiva University is really important. That's the reason that I had entire features spreads devoted to sexuality, mental health and sexual abuse. These articles featured student responses but they also included interviews with professionals and rabbis. I wanted a well-rounded perspective on everything that I published. I also wanted to make sure I was clear that I was discussing issues of concern to affiliates of Modern Orthodoxy as a whole rather than the segment comprised by the university.

A discussion about premarital sex is important. There are so many issues to explore: should the mikvah be open to women who are not married? What causes women or men to have premarital sex? What percentage of the student body is engaging in this? Do most people feel guilty about it or are they totally okay with it? But especially when you are a representative of a community, as each member of YU is, you have to think about what the best format to engage in this discussion is.

If the YU Beacon wanted to open up a discussion about premarital sex, then yes, they could have and should have included personal viewpoints. But they should also have included other material focusing on the plethora of issues that are part of this subject. I think it would have been interesting to read an account of a student who had premarital sex and felt guilty alongside an account of one who had sex and didn't. I think it would have been intriguing to see what percentage of the student body admitted to engaging in premarital sex and what percentage didn't. I would have been interested in seeing how prominent scholars or religious figures addressed the issue, assuming that they were willing to discuss it with the paper. Responsible reporting argues for a complete picture, not a skewed one.

By choosing to publish one piece on a Stern girl's one-night stand, the YU Beacon also chose to open up a Pandora's box. And sometimes that would be okay, but this time it was irresponsible. If you are going to make the editorial decision to inflame most of the student body- who choose to attend this university because of the fact that it's Yeshiva University and there are theoretically certain standards that accompany that name- then you better make sure it's worth it. Was this really worth it? Was this one essay about a girl sleeping with a guy and then feeling bad about it so important? Did it really help anyone who was in this position? And if so, what exactly did it help them with? What was the message behind this story?

Was the message that other people sin too, so I'm not alone in sinning?

Was the message that premarital sex leads to guilt?

Was the message that Stern girls are just like other girls on secular campuses, and that they too have sex?

Was the message that because of their guilt-complexes, Stern girls can only sin after they've quashed their conscious by deciding to get drunk?

In short, what was the point of the article? Why was it so incredibly important to publish it? What was it that we as a student body were supposed to learn from it, take away from it or otherwise gain from it?

This wasn't a discussion that actually helped someone deal with an issue. If I was a girl who had sex before marriage and I read this article, the only thing I would have learned is that someone else out there had done the same thing as me. I assume this is something I would have known before reading this article as well.

To me, therefore, this suggests that the only point behind this article was to say, hey, we at YU aren't so different from people at other college campuses. We're also a university; we also have rights. We have freedom of the press and we want to show it. So let's publish an article about a girl's one-night stand and let's claim we're doing it in the name of our ideals, in the name of talking about important issues because people need to talk about the things they are doing behind closed doors. Surely if they don't, they'll explode. And a public forum such as a newspaper is certainly the best place to do it, rather than a blog or a Facebook.

A friend of mine said that he had read an article which stated that "colleges are where students have their own mini-state." Thus, they think they are citizens exercising their right to free speech, consequences be damned. And if you look at the majority of comments on the article, people were outraged and upset that there might even be a request to pull the piece. They immediately deemed this censorship and got on their high horses.

What we think, what we say and what we write is a reflection of who we are and what our values are. It doesn't surprise me that many at YU were uninterested in being represented by one girl's one-night stand. The word 'Stern' was even tagged in the article.

If the point of the article was to say hey, we at YU aren't so different from people at other college campuses, boy, do I have some news for you. We are different. We are religious Jews. As a nation, we have been chosen by God to represent Him and to act as His ambassadors on this earth. Our view of sexuality is one that consists of giving, of true intimacy, of devotion, of sharing. As the Rav writes in Family Redeemed, it is a view that focuses upon the I-Thou relationship, not the I-It.

So when a student writes about how she acted exactly like a typical college student, having a one-night stand in a hotel after getting drunk, feeling love for her boyfriend who doesn't seem to be emotionally reciprocating in any way...yeah, that shocks us. It should shock us. Because there's a student who has allowed herself to be objectified, to believe the myth that putting out is what keeps her together with her boyfriend, and who is in a position which truthfully comes across as extremely sad.

And once shocked, a lot of students responded by saying, in effect: This is not what we choose to represent us. This is not what we want people to think when they hear the words Yeshiva University. This is not what we want people to think when they hear the words observant Jew. This is not what or who defines us and we don't want it up there for people to think this is what defines us.

But the editors of the paper said: Your opinions be damned and your reactions be damned. We don't care what should represent religious Jews; we only care about what some religious Jews actually are doing. We have free speech and we're not afraid to use it. And we don't care if this becomes a huge Chilul Hashem and a scandal dragged across the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and so on; we don't care if we make Yeshiva University out to be some sort of evil overarching censorship committee. We only care about ourselves and the fact that we should have the right so say what we want.

And you have to wonder: Is that a Machloket L'Sheim Shamayim or a Machloket She'Lo L'Sheim Shamayim? Are these students selflessly defending the tenets of Judaism or are they selfishly determining that once they've made a decision, their decisions ought not be questioned?

I agree that premarital sex is an important issue to address within the Modox community.

What I question is the forum, the format, the lack of responsibility and the focus on one's rights rather than one's obligations that took place here. In a world where editors say we are accountable to no one, not even God, what Judaism is being defended, exactly?

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks says he doesn't respect 'road rage' atheists, the ones who write about caricatures of religion rather than the real deal. I feel like the same applies to editors of a paper who chose to grant interviews to major media outlets and drag YU through the mud rather than admit to the possibility that maybe their decision was wrong. Not the decision to talk about premarital sex in the first place! But the way they chose to introduce it as a subject- not as a question but as definitive, not under analysis but as narrative.

The YU Beacon Piece on Sexuality

2011-12-08T18:10:00.003-05:00

This article has come out stating:"YU Student Paper in Danger After Acknowledging Existence of Sex."

Oh, please. I wrote an entire series on sexuality in "The Observer."

The difference between my articles and the piece in the YU Beacon is that my articles had educational and journalistic merit, were carefully researched and actually dealt with the issues. I also discussed premarital sex. You can read "Jews and Sexuality in the Modern-Day World" to see that. In contrast, the YU Beacon's article was only intended to be controversial and tick people off. (Why else publish something so poorly written?) In both these goals, they've succeeded admirably.

But don't tell me that YU is pulling its funding from a student newspaper just because someone dared to mention the word 'sex.' They're pulling funding because the Beacon published a piece without any redeeming qualities that creates a certain negative perception about YU, and YU'll be damned if they pay money to have their own dependents working against them.

Lightman & The Tent-Peg Wielder

2011-11-27T21:17:00.005-05:00

When I first came to Stern, I was really lonely. I was scared, nervous, a real freshman straight out of North Shore Country Day. I hardly knew anybody.

Aside from being lonely, I was proud. I wasn't going to ask to be invited over to people's houses. Instead, I figured I would just hang out in the Stern Caf over Shabbat. Luckily for me, I met an amazing trio my second Shabbat at Stern. The trio asked me whether I wanted to get pizza that Saturday night. I agreed. They were my first real friends in New York.

I've been helped, cared for and had fun with all of them. But the friend to whom I've remained closest of that original group is Lightman.

Lightman is a brilliant violinist. He plays with all his heart and soul. He is also a linguist, a health nut and a master of biblical Hebrew. Lightman taught me Hebrew throughout my time in Stern. I owe him for ensuring that I didn't fail out of Dr. Steiner's class. But to me, he's more than his accomplishments. His talents are amazing and he ought to be lauded for them, but when I think of him, it's his soul that moves me. I love Lightman because he has a depth of spirit that is almost unsurpassed. Beauty touches him. Whether it's the thin sound of an operatic wail or the clash of cymbals as an orchestra reaches its crescendo, Lightman understands. He is there with you in the pit of the valley, in the horrors and the torture chambers that few visit, let alone comprehend. When I needed a light in the darkness, I found him, and what is more, he found me.

Lightman was the one who made me a surprise birthday party. I had never had one before. Lightman is also the one who videoed a different party of mine, one where I was extremely touched and moved to see what everyone present had to say about me. (It was a little like the Living Funeral described in Tuesdays with Morrie and I still count it as one of the most heartmelting moments of my life). Lightman is the one who would cheer me up when I was at my darkest, raising me up from the depths. Lightman would make sure that I would attend Broadway shows and operas and that my artistic side was always validated. He offered me strength and compassion and there are many times I would have fallen but for him.

When Lightman first discovered the Tent-Peg Wielder, I didn't react at my best. I was a bit like a displaced sibling in a family structure, one who didn't understand that transition and how to make it. But over time, I grew to know her and to trust her. I grew to see her as one of the best, kindest and most loving people I have ever met. She is so spirited, spunky, idealistic and scholarly that it blows me away. She is inspired, inspiring and glorious. She has dealt with so much and has managed to come out on top despite it all. She has dealt with all scenarios, even those that were not ideal, with aplomb. She is a fearless editor and is extremely loyal. She is incredibly creative. She is brave. Her courage is of the masked kind, the sort that doesn't reveal itself openly. She doesn't plunge into people's houses to rescue their dying children; no, her courage is of the internal sort. She takes her stands and she makes them heroically.

Her thoughts on Jewish History opened my eyes to an entirely new way of seeing Judaism. For me, Judaism is an incredibly personal religion. How I relate to God, how Judaism offers me a sense of structure that helps me to be at my most healthy - this is what is most important when it comes to my connection to the religion. But TPW is less selfish. For her, Judaism is about Jewish History, the incredible marvels, scandals and horrors that our people have survived. History to her is part of our heritage, something to learn about and to wear as a badge of honor. Our history defines and enlightens us.

She is also an amazing teacher. As a Hebrew School instructor, she married her creative talent to her love for Jewish texts in order to create innovative and engaging lessons. Her children wrote her kind and colorful missives expressing their love for her. And her creativity doesn't stop there. I had the honor of spending one very memorable Rosh Hashana with her- one where those in attendance ate a real lamb's head rather than a fish's head. She was the one who had the patience, initiative and sheer mischievous desire to track down a sheep's head, season it, cook it and finally, serve it.

I am amazed by TPW's diligence and precision. When she decided she was interested in learning a new language, she put all her effort, talent and mental agility into mastering it. When she prepares for classes at her graduate program, she makes sure to do all the readings in advance. She really commits herself to whatever is important to her. Her acuity and analysis, while impressive, are not all she has to offer. She is also incredibly artistic. I own pieces of artwork that she has made (whether in the form of greeting cards or snowglobes) and they are exquisite. I hope she fulfills her dream of reproducing her artwork commercially and selling it online.

I am extremely happy to share with you that tonight marks the engagement of Lightman to the Tent-Peg Wielder. It's been a long journey and they've come a long way. I am looking forward to seeing them join with one another in a shared dance of art, music, Tanakh, Hebrew, Jewish History and beyond. I hope that they are blessed.

Mazel Tov!

ha

2011-11-15T15:49:00.001-05:00

who knows what tomorrow is...?

Intimacy

2011-11-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

The truth is, intimacy doesn’t have all that much to do with backseats of cars. Real intimacy is brushing your teeth together.

~Elsewhere

Parade

2011-11-06T08:18:00.002-05:00

I saw "Parade."

It's been on my mind. Especially the "Come Up to My Office" song. The factory girls' testimony is singing in my dreams, for some reason.

My favorite song is "You Don't Know This Man."

And it occurred to me that "It's Hard to Speak My Heart" reflects the way one feels when one stands before God on Yom Kippur.

random thought

2011-11-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

It would be cool if prophets were time-travelers. So they had actually traveled to the reality they predicted and then went back in time to try to warn people against committing the actions that would lead to that reality.

best music on "The Good Wife" thus far

2011-10-24T00:31:00.001-04:00

Riot Rhythm- Sleigh Bells

Everyone loves a Hannibal Lecter type villain.

Survivor

2011-10-11T21:57:00.002-04:00

Song of the Day: Survivor by Destiny's Child

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),

I'm a survivor (what),

I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

Alone

2011-10-10T06:25:00.000-04:00

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.
Then---in my childhood---in the dawn
Of a most stormy life---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

~Edgar Allan Poe

Anniversary Cards

2011-10-09T17:06:00.004-04:00

This post is now gone. Hurray.

In Which Chana's Nose Becomes An Icicle

2011-10-09T08:53:00.006-04:00

Here I sit in my freezing cold apartment, wearing warm Mickey Mouse socks (thanks Dana!) and pajamas, clutching a cup of hot cocoa to myself while hearing the following song play in my head:

O' woe is me, o' woe is me

This would kill the canary

It's so freezing in my bed

That it's a wonder I'm not dead

I ask aloud for those of you who can explain the immutable, baffling ways of landlords: why does the heat not go on until October 15th?

My thoughts on this matter:

1. It saves on embalming costs, because this way when people die of cold, at least their bodies stay at the same temperature one would find in a morgue

2. It (all together now) builds character! (Ahahahaha. Josh, my dear, that was for you.)

3. It ensures that you huddle under the warming light in your bathroom the entire day, and the only thing to do in a bathroom is to become clean, so the landlords get to operate under the assumption that you will be reasonably clean when they encounter you. This makes them happy.

4. They've made a secret pact with Milk St Cafe or Coffee Bean because they know that packaged hot chocolate doesn't taste like real hot chocolate and if you're cold enough, you'll go outside to buy real hot chocolate

5. It's an effort to enforce modesty, because this way the only place you can change clothes is in the bathroom under the aforementioned warming light, and thus this will keep you honest. (And chaste. And good. And modest.)

Anyone else have any good reasons?

True Aristocracy

2011-10-03T17:05:00.003-04:00

So Manuela deserves our praise. Although she's been sacrificed at the altar of a world where the most thankless tasks have been allotted to some women while others merely hold their noses without raising a finger, she nevertheless strives relentlessly to maintain a degree of refinement that goes far beyond any gold leaf gilding, a fortiori of the sanitary variety.

"When you eat a walnut, you must use a tablecloth," says Manuela, removing from her old shopping bag a little hamper made of light wood in which some almond tuiles are nestled among curls of carmine tissue paper. I make coffee that we shall not drink, but its wafting odor delights us both, and in silence we sip a cup of green tea as we nibble on our tuiles.

Just as I am a permanent traitor to my archetype, so is Manuela: to the Portugese cleaning woman she is a felon oblivious of her condition. This girl from Faro, born under a fig tree after seven siblings and before six more, forced in childhood to work the fields and scarcely out of it to marry a mason and take the road of exile, mother of four children who are French by birthright but whom society looks upon as thoroughly Portugese- this girl from Faro, as I was saying, who wears the requisite black support stockings and a kerchief on her head, is an aristocrat. An authentic one, of the kind whose entitlement you cannot contest: it is etched onto her very heart, it mocks titles and people with handles to their names. What is an aristocrat? A woman who is never sullied by vulgarity although she may be surrounded by it.

On Sundays, the vulgarity of her in-laws, who with their loud laughter muffle the pain of being born weak and without prospects; the vulgarity of an environment as bleakly desolate as the neon lights of the factory where the men go each morning, like sinners returning to hell; then, the vulgarity of her employers who for all their money, cannot hide their own baseness and who speak to her the way they would a mangy dog covered with oozing bold patches. But you should have witnessed Manuela offering to me, as if I were a queen, the fruit of her prowess in haute patisserie to fully appreciate the grace that inhabits this woman. Yes, as if I were a queen. When Manuela arrives, my loge is transformed into a palace, and a picnic between two pariahs becomes the feast of two monarchs. Like a storyteller transforming life into a shimmering river where trouble and boredom vanish far below the water, Manuela metamorphoses our existence into a warm and joyful epic.

-The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery, pages 31-31

(Thanks to Marc Fein for making me read this.)

in its measure

2011-10-02T00:40:00.004-04:00

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for You are with me.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

~Psalm 23 (or Gangsta's Paradise)

Now what does that mean, that Your rod and Your staff comfort me?

I think it means Your attributes of Justice. Justice shall be served. It shall be measured out with the rod, parceled out by the staff.

what my kids do in class

2011-09-26T17:26:00.002-04:00

....before I gave 'em detention, anyway.

It's KIPPA FRISBEE! Like Ultimate Frisbee, but even cooler! So much more fun than learning about how the whole world got destroyed in the time of Noah.

new favorite music

2011-09-25T20:51:00.001-04:00

Nuttin But Stringz

Playlist

2011-09-20T18:42:00.003-04:00

Breathless- Dan Wilson

A Drop in the Ocean- Ron Pope

Brandenburg- Black Violin

Parabolic Cosmos- Break of Reality

Path- Apocalyptica

Requiem for a Tower- Escala

The Jai Ho Wedding Dance

2011-09-11T15:03:00.003-04:00

I am not sure why it took me this long to discover, but there is an amazing tradition of dancing the Jai Ho Bollywood dance at various weddings.

Here's some Jewish guys doing it.

And here's a fabulous bride doing it:

Clearly a bride after my own heart.

My plan: The next time someone I know gets married (and I attend the wedding), me and my girls are going to have to do a Jai Ho rendition at her wedding. Who wants to learn this dance with me? It's gonna rock.

Holiness in Words

2011-09-11T02:45:00.002-04:00

The Bible is holiness in words. To the man of our age nothing is as familiar and trite as words. Of all things they are the cheapest, most abused and least esteemed. They are the objects of perpetual defilement. We all live in them, feel in them, think in them, but, failing to uphold their independent dignity, to respect their power and weight, they turn waif, elusive- a mouthful of dust. When placed before the Bible, the words of which are like dwellings made of rock, we do not know how to find the door.

Some people may wonder: why was the light of God given in the form of language? How is it conceivable that the divine should be contained in such brittle vessels as consonants and vowels? This question betrays the sin of our age: to treat lightly the ether which carries the light-waves of the spirit. What else in the world is as capable of bringing man and man together over the distances in space and in time? Of all things on earth, words alone never die. They have so little matter and so much meaning.

The Bible does not deal with divinity but with humanity. Addressing human beings about human affairs, whose language should be employed if not man's? And yet, it is as if God took these Hebrew words and breathed into them of His power, and the words became a live wire charged with His spirit. To this very day they are hyphens between heaven and earth.

What other medium could have been employed to convey the divine? Pictures enameled on the moon? Statues hewn out of the Rockies? What is wrong with the human ancestry of scriptural vocabulary?

If the Bible were a temple, equal in majesty and splendor to the simple grandeur of its present form, its divine language might have carried the sign of divine dignity with more undeniable force to most people. But man would have worshipped his work rather than His will...and that is exactly what the Bible has tried to prevent.

Just as it is impossible to conceive of God without the world, so it is impossible to conceive of His concern without the Bible.

If God is alive, then the Bible is His voice. No other work is as worthy of being considered a manifestation of His will. There is no other mirror in the world where His will and spiritual guidance is as unmistakably reflected. If the belief in the immanence of God in nature is plausible, then the belief in the immanence of God in the Bible is compelling.

~God in Search of Man by Abraham Joshua Heschel, pages 244-245

God Is The Subject

2011-09-11T02:40:00.002-04:00

The sense for the realness of God will not be found in insipid concepts; in opinions that are astute, arid, timid; in love that is scant, erratic. Sensitivity to God is given to a broken heart, to a mind that rises above its own wisdom. It is a sensitivity that bursts all abstractions. It is not a mere playing with a notion. There is no conviction without contrition; no affirmation without self-engagement. Consciousness of God is a response, and God is a challenge rather than a notion. We do not think Him, we are stirred by Him. We can never describe Him, we can only return to Him. We may address ourselves to Him; we cannot comprehend Him. We can sense His presence; we cannot grasp His essence.

His is the call, ours the paraphrase; His is the creation, ours a reflection. He is not an object to be comprehended, a thesis to be endorsed; neither the sum of all that is (facts) nor a digest of all that ought to be (ideals). He is the ultimate subject.

The trembling sense for the hereness of God is the assumption of our being accountable to Him. God-awareness is not an act of God being known to man; it is the awareness of man's being known by God. In thinking about Him we are thought by him.

~God in Search of Man by Abraham Joshua Heschel, pages 159-160

Yearning

2011-09-11T00:31:00.003-04:00

Today I read The Ineffable Name of God: Man by Abraham Joshua Heschel.

His poems are beautiful and breathtaking; best of all, they are exactly what I feel towards God and the world we live in. I find so much of myself captured in Heschel's words and thinking and that gladdens me.

His poems are written in Yiddish, but happily they've been translated so that I can understand them. He is, of course, brimming with passion.

This is the poem that opens the book:

I and You

Transmissions flow from your heart to Mine,

trading, twining My pain with yours,

Am I not- you? Are you not- I?

My nerves are clustered with Yours,

Your dreams have met with mine.

Are we not one in the bodies of millions?

Often I glimpse Myself in everyone's form,

hear My own speech- a distant, quiet voice- in people's weeping,

as if under millions of masks My face would lie hidden.

I live in Me and in you,

Through your lips goes a word from Me to Me,

from your eyes drips a tear- its source in Me.

When a need pains You, alarm me!

When You miss a human being

tear open my door!

You live in Yourself, You live in me

And here is another one that particularly speaks to me:

To a Lady in a Dream

Grant me a breath,

A finger's touch;

for a thousand hours of yearning

give me one word!

I dreamt of you through all my youth,

through all my youth, fenced off from you-

and my dream aches so much.

I owe to you my immense yearning-

and beg of you: Rescue my dream!

Your eyes are greetings from God,

Your body- an oasis in the world,

joy for my homeless glances.

Your legs are trees of desire

in the gardens of quietest delights.

I searched for you in dreams in the night.

You never came to my unforgettable desires.

Yet stubbornly the dreams swore: You are there!

Some day you shall belong to me!

But like a student at a test,

I now stand mute before you.

I've come with showcase-words boldly to your heart.

Astonished, looking through your eyes

as through the shattered windows of my dream-

I've forgotten my arrows, forgotten my bows...

forgive me, beloved, my chaotic silence!

Grant me a breath,

a finger's touch;

for a thousand hours of yearning,

give me one word!

September 11

2011-09-10T23:05:00.003-04:00

I was in 8th grade when the Towers fell.

I didn't know what they were. What were the Twin Towers? And where were they? I thought they were some random buildings in the middle of nowhere.

But then Tzipporah in my class came to school announcing that the Twin Towers had fallen. She had seen it on Good Morning, America or some such show. At that time we still thought it was a mistake one of the pilots had made. We didn't know it was a terrorist attack. Later on, we were all called to an assembly in school where we were told of the news and we said Tehillim together.

Everyone was really worried. I don't remember for sure, but I think school was dismissed early. We thought that the Sears Tower might be hit next. Chicago's a big enough city to be on the list.

I remember my mother telling me that all the nurses just congregated around the televisions in the nurses' station and they watched, horrified. Tears streamed down their cheeks and they didn't even know they were crying.

I remember my father, grim. I remember all of us sitting donwnstairs in the basement watching television on a weekday (which never happened). We watched the planes hit the buildings again and again. We called all our relatives in New York. One of my aunts slept in her office building and the other one walked across one of the Bridges along with throngs of others.

We gave thanks that none of the people we loved had died, and we mourned with America about the loss of everyone who had. We hung a big American flag on our window and we watched the multitude of flags and bumper stickers. We saw our world come together, people sharing with each other like they never had before.

We saw love.

I remember the pain, the sadness and the horror. But I most of all remember how we came together, how the world united and people truly cared about one another. And I remember thinking it was sad that it took a tragedy to unite us. But that I was glad we were united, even so.

I remember we couldn't tour the White House on our 8th grade trip because they closed it due to fear of terrorists. And that lots of other places were also closed off. And that parents hadn't even been sure they wanted us to go on that trip, but acquiesced, in the end.

It was scary and huge and hard to comprehend. It was hard to grasp the enormity of it. But in 11th grade, when I was on Summer at YU, they took us to ground zero instead of to an amusement park. And we all grumbled because we would rather be having fun. But we got why it was important to be there. And I looked at that hole, that massive void in the earth, and I saw it gaping open and ugly and that was the first time it seemed real to me, where the earth had shook and moved and this ugliness was there for real. And I was shaken.

And then I thought: we must somehow fix this.

But how?

My Last Married Mikveh

2011-09-07T20:46:00.005-04:00

(This is not written by me. This is a post that was sent to me by a Jewish woman like you who was the victim of marital rape and physical abuse. She wants others to know that marital rape and physical abuse DO happen in the Jewish world, and that they need to be addressed.)

On the morning before Yom Kippur, I immersed myself for the last time as a married woman. Unlike all of the previous immersions where I was alone with G-d and the mikveh lady, this one was during the day, and in the company of G-d and all of my closest woman friends. Unlike all previous times at the local mikveh, this time it was at a beautiful lake. And most importantly, unlike the times when I rose from the mikveh thinking that now he had permission to hit and rape me, this last time I rose to feel freer and cleaner and happier than I ever had before. And this time I said so aloud, to myself, to my dear friends, and to G-d.

Throughout my marriage, I read books about family purity and even showed my husband the books that the rebbitzin loaned me. I wanted these laws to help our marriage, to bring us closer to each other during both phases of the month. But the nature of our marriage never allowed for that. Our marriage was based on control and fear, and even the most beautiful rituals of Judaism couldn’t change that to a focus of love and mutual respect.

The books I read all talked about how a couple gets closer when they live part of each month as man and wife and the other part of the month as brother and sister. Much as I tried, this never happened in our marriage. Instead, he just controlled me or abused me differently during the two phases of each month. When I was in niddah he constantly reminded me how difficult it was for him to go so long without sex. He woke me during the night to tell me he couldn’t sleep and couldn’t work because he was so horny. When I offered to sleep in a different room, he said that it wouldn’t help because it was about sex and not about me. (It tool me years to understand that statement.) During niddah he controlled my telephone access, my money, and friendships. But he never hurt me physically. At least not until the last few months of the marriage.

The other phase of the month was the physical phase, the time when I did not have permission to say no to sex, especially since it was my “fault” that we didn’t have relations during my niddah. It was a time of physical intimidation, and often of physical attack. It had only a bit of the physical closeness I had been hoping for. It’s hard to make love to someone you fear, hard to sort loving touch from painful touch when it’s the same hands providing both, sometimes at the same time.

When I separated from my husband with the intent to divorce, I asked my rabbi when I could stop attending mikveh, when I could stop counting days and keeping different sets of panties for different times of the month. He told me he would find out, and that I should continue my usual practice in the meantime. This lasted about a very long month, but as I neared my mikveh date in the second month of separation, I decided to plan my last immersion, and to use it as a time to mark for myself the end of my marriage long before the civil divorce or the get were even in sight. When I told the rabbi of my plans, he agreed that this could be my last mikveh.

And so, on the Sunday morning before Yom Kippur I brought a minyan of women with me to the banks of a nearby lake. The ten of us sat under trees and read poetry, and some of our own reflections on the mitzvoth of shalom bayit, family purity, and pikuach nefesh. A dear friend sang, “I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair.” We cried and we laughed and then I removed my hat and dress and went into the water in a bathing suit. I removed the suit under water and immersed in the traditional manner, using the traditional blessing. Even though I was immersing for new reason --- I wanted the continuity, I wanted it to have some of the same elements of all my previous immersions.

When I came out of the water it was with the intention that no one would ever have permission to abuse my body again. I finished dressing, but did not put my hat back on my head. Then my friends joined me in saying shehechiyanu for the beginning of my new life without my husband. We ate chocolates, we hugged, and then went back to my old home and to the place where I’d been staying for five weeks, and we began to move my belongings into my new apartment. Kol Nidre was that evening and I have never before felt so prepared for the day of atonement. I was beginning to make teshuvah to myself and I felt that I was at one with the world and with my G-d. I began the process of making tshuvah with my own body and with the traditions of Jewish marriage.

Help? Thanks

2011-09-06T13:05:00.003-04:00

I need someone to scan and email me (or upload for me) the pages on Ir Miklat from Bamidbar in 'The Little Midrash Says' series.

Thanks.

~

UPDATE: I got it. Thanks, Cymbaline!

Why Teaching is Like a Wedding

2011-09-05T17:53:00.002-04:00

1. You spend most of your time dancing

2. You think on your feet

3. Your goal is to make the most important person/ people in the room love you

4. You don't eat very much

5. The space you are in is decorated beautifully

6. The way you scan the room to determine whether there is anyone you haven't danced with yet and then you go dance with them is similar to the way you check if there's anyone you haven't heard from yet and then call on them

7. You'll cry at least once

8. People say brilliant things

9. You wish you were wearing flats

10. You're really happy

Echoes of Eden, Weaver of Webs

2011-09-04T00:36:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book for review.

This article was originally published in "The Beltway Buzz."

Rabbi Ari Kahn is a consummate teacher. A graduate of RIETS, a student of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, director of Foreign Student Programs and senior lecturer in Jewish Studies at Bar-Ilan University, he has also delivered lectures at Matan, Aish HaTorah and at various venues in the community of Givat Ze’ev. He chose to commit his lectures and works to the printed word with the publication of his book on the weekly parsha, Explorations, and his work on Jewish holidays, Emanations. This summer he released a new offering, co-published by Gefen and OU Press. The work is entitled Echoes of Eden and is part of a projected five-part series with one book focusing on each of the Humashim.

The best way to describe Echoes of Eden is like a loom. Strung with colorful thread, the Lady of Shallot “weaves by night and day/ a magic web with colours gay.” And Rabbi Kahn does the same. Taking his sources from a variety of places, including but not limited to rabbinic, kabbalistic and Chasidic sources, Rabbi Kahn creates a shimmering, beautiful tapestry shot through with his incredible creativity. While he addresses conventional questions: Why did Noah send out the raven and then the dove? Why was Jacob given the name Israel but then the text continues to refer to him by both names? Why is it necessary to know that the sons bought shoes with the money they received for selling Joseph? – his answers are anything but ordinary.

Rabbi Kahn dissects the text, analyzing each word and noting parallels to various other verses. His is an exercise in parshanut, the study of interpretation. Echoes of Eden is filled with the fruits of literary techniques such as metaphor, parallel, symbolism and analogy. But what struck me the most in Rabbi Kahn’s rendering is his deep understanding of psychology when it comes to comprehending the characters in Genesis.

One such example occurs by the sale of Joseph by his brothers. Amos 2:6 mentions the selling of “the righteous one for silver, and the poor man for a pair of shoes.” Midrash Tanhuma to Vayeishev explains that the money from the sale of Joseph was used by the brothers to purchase shoes. Rabbi Kahn mentions that shoes are seen as significant in Judaism; when Moses approaches the burning bush he is told to take off his shoes, while when the Hebrews are told to prepare to leave Egypt, they must don their shoes. But there is one halakhic section of the Torah where shoes are particularly relevant, and this is when “a man refuses to marry his deceased brother’s childless wife” (Kahn 265). A central part of the ritual of halitzah, mentioned in Deuteronomy 25:5-10 involves the removal of a man’s shoe.

In a breathtaking connection, Rabbi Kahn refers to the episode of Judah, his sons and Tamar. Judah tells his son Onan to marry Tamar in order to “raise up seed to your brother” in Genesis 38:8. But Onan is not interested in doing this; instead he does not act properly with Tamar and does not create a child to continue his brother’s name. Rabbi Kahn sees this narrative as part and parcel of the former midrash. Tragically, Judah’s children “learned a lesson in fraternal relations and responsibilities from their father. They learned that their brother is not their concern; a pair of shoes is preferable to a brother” (Kahn 268). To Rabbi Kahn, it is not a coincidence that during the process of halitzah “the rejected widow is instructed to remove a shoe from the indifferent brother’s foot. When he fails to recognize his brother’s holiness and the sanctity of the family he is charged to preserve, his shoe is removed as a reminder of that holiness (as it was for Moshe) or as a symbol of his callousness (as when the brothers purchased shoes with ‘blood money’)” (Kahn 268).

The portion concerning Joseph and the wife of Potiphar has often been compared to that of Judah and Tamar. But this is the first time that I have ever seen anyone suggest that the outcome of a certain behavior (buying shoes with the money gained by selling Joseph) demonstrated an attitude that the children picked up on (that a pair of shoes is more important than a brother or continuing his legacy). This is a very clever and innovative understanding of the text, but more importantly, it is a psychological one. Although it seems clear that Judah did not mean to set a precedent with his actions regarding Joseph, his children learned from his behavior nonetheless.

Echoes of Eden is a fascinating, captivating work. It combines multiple threads of Torah tradition to create a multicolored royal cloth. Whether you purchase it to serve as a weekly Shabbat table companion or to read at once, it is sure to be a rewarding experience.

The Value of Negative-Learning

2011-08-23T17:33:00.004-04:00

Today I read Feel-Bad Education and Other Contrarian Essays on Children and Schooling by Alfie Kohn. It's an excellent book and I largely agree with his philosophy of education. One excerpt I particularly enjoyed is reproduced below.

So how is it that some folks emerge with an understanding that traditional education is unhealthy for children and other living things, and with some insight about why that's true (and what might make more sense instead), and with a commitment to show the rest of us a better way? How did they get here from there?

I suspect the key is a phenomenon that might be called "negative learning," in which people regard an unfortunate situation as a change to figure out what not to do. They sit in awful classrooms and pay careful attention because they know they're being exposed to an enormously useful anti-model. They say to themselves, "Here is someone who has a lot to teach me about how not to treat children." Some people perfect this art of negative learning while they're still in those environments; others do it retrospectively, questioning what was done to them earlier even if they never thought- or were unable- to do so before. Some people do it on their own; others need someone to lend them the lens that will allow them to look at things that way.

Of course, a mind-numbing, spirit-killing school experience doesn't reliably launch people into self-actualization, intellectual curiosity, or a career in alternative education. If it did, we'd want everyone to live through that. Nontraditional educators had to beat the odds, and they've set themselves the task of improving those odds for other children, creating places where the learning doesn't have to be by negative example.

I want new teachers to see progressive education at its best. I want them to spend as much time as possible in a place where they can watch seasoned educators work with children rather than doing things to them, helping those children to make sense of ideas and create opportunities to discover answers to their own questions, striving to shield them from stultifying mandates handed down from on high. It's hard enough to walk into a classroom on wobbly legs and face a roomful of students for the first time; if at all possible, you want to have had a few caring role models who take intellectual inquiry- and kids- seriously.

But if apprentice teachers find themselves instead in a place where test scores drive the instruction and students are essentially bullied into doing whatever they're told, then it helps to be able to think, "What a memorable display of lousy pedagogy and disrespect for children! I need to take careful notes so, when it's my turn, I can do exactly the opposite." Again, they'll need plenty of help: People can't just will themselves into being proficient progressive teachers. Still, construing a bad classroom as an opportunity for negative learning may jump-start the process, and the same trick can help people who are forced to deal with autocratic administrators, arrogant advisors, or even abusive parents.

How do some among us manage to perform this heuristic alchemy, adopting a constructive mental set even though others who are similarly situated end up just feeling lousy about themselves and about education? My hunch is that it reflects a confluence of environment and personality. Maybe the environment has to be really dreadful, as opposed to merely dull- but at the same time must include a glimpse of something better so it's clear what's missing. People need to know from experience that schools or teachers or families don't have to be like this.

The personality part, meanwhile, probably should include equal measures of assertiveness (including a contrarian spirit and a dash of up-yours rebelliousness) and empathy. The contribution of the former is obvious, but the latter is no less importantly. Some people suffer through the indignity or even brutality of being a newbie somewhere- a fraternity, a medical residency, whatever- and then, once they've attained a little seniority, turn around and abuse the new arrivals. They may derive a certain satisfaction from watching others suffer. They may even convince themselves that having been treated like dirt was somehow good for them. (Beware of anyone who rationalizes and reproduces emotional violence with phrases like "character building" or "tough love.")

But other people- the ones we're looking for- are those who say "I want to work to change this system so others will be spared what was done to me." They have the compassion and the courage to shake up the status quo and denounce cruel traditions. They've mastered the art of negative learning and developed a commitment to making the world, or at least whatever part of it they come to inhabit, a better place than it was before they got there.

~Feel Bad Education and Other Contrarian Essays on Children and Schooling by Alfie Kohn, pages 110-112

Bingo. That's why I'm going to be an excellent teacher.

The Other Side of Creativity

2011-08-15T21:11:00.003-04:00

The Rav speaks of man's creative capacity, his unlimited ability to partner with God and also his ability to recreate himself and form a new 'I.'

The Rav does not speak about the other side of creativity. But Henri Nouwen does.

Nuclear man is the man who realizes that his creative powers hold the potential for self-destruction. He sees that in this nuclear age vast new industrial complexes enable man to produce in one hour that which he labored over for years in the past, but he also realizes that these same industries have disturbed the ecological balance and, through air and noise pollution, have contaminated his own milieu. He drives in cars, listens to the radio and watches TV, but has lost his ability to understand the workings of the instruments he uses. He sees such an abundance of material commodities around him that scarcity no longer motivates his life, but at the same time he is groping for a direction and asking for meaning and purpose. In all this he suffers from the inevitable knowledge that his time is a time in which it has become possible for man to destroy not only life but also the possibility of rebirth, not only man but also mankind, not only periods of existence but also history itself. For nuclear man the future has become the only option.

~The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society by Henri Nouwen, pages 6-7

All those who create have the potential to destroy. The Rav addresses only the positive side of creativity, the Teshuva process. What about those who destroy Teshuva? Can one destroy the possibility of rebirth? Did Aher do that? Were his powers so immense that he in fact destroyed Teshuva as a concept when it came to him?

If creativity holds the power- perhaps even the lure- of self-destruction, how is the creative being to act? What prevents him from remaining forever in a position of fear, scared witless?

Perhaps it takes great courage to choose to do anything, fraught as that thing may be with the potential for evil. Perhaps the effort of choosing is the beginning of a fearful journey. Perhaps when our texts say that we all have free will, what it really means is that we can choose to create or to destroy, and our life is lived in that manner. Hence the statements that he who comes to purify himself is helped by God, while he who comes to sin is also helped by God. Also the statement that all is in God's power except the Fear of Heaven. What we value and revere is an expression of our secret self and it is that self who determines what to do with its creativity, the mark they leave on the world.

Integrity

2011-08-15T08:05:00.003-04:00

I was watching "The Glee Project" and saw that Cameron Mitchell quit because the show wasn't jiving with his faith and convictions. Here's an article about it.

He's quoted in this article as saying:

“It’s very tough because I do have beliefs and I do have my faith, and in some ways that does make me very different from other people. There are lines that other people will cross, and that’s OK to them, but to me—I’m just different, I just believe in different things. There are certain things that I’m willing to do on video shoots, but when it comes to the kissing, that was really hard for me. That’s just how I was raised, you know?

“My parents weren’t crazy-strict religious people. I won’t hit people on the head with a Bible, but I live by example and just try to be the best guy I can be. I have morals, and if it’s something that I feel like is crossing the line, then I’m not afraid to stand up. If you don’t stand up for something, then you’ll never stand up for anything. I just feel like that’s just what I had to do.”

Just wanted to say how impressive that is. A 20-year-old kid walking away from the Western all-American dream. The contrast between this kid and Esther Petrack (just for choosing to be on ANTM, nothing else) is striking.

A Very Poor Reason to Marry

2011-08-13T22:10:00.003-04:00

Did I ever love Noam? It's a question I've considered continuously these past months. Did I ever love anything beyond his position in that special world, the only world that's ever mattered to me? Did I ever, even back then, focus on the person who occupied that position? I know I never considered the person behind the genius- if there was such a person. Noam's personal identity was, at least for me, entirely absorbed by his genius. All the properties he had were defined in relation to his genius. But that would be okay, wouldn't it? If one can love someone for the curve of her nose or thigh, the charm of his laugh or his manner of smoking, why can't one love someone for his genius?

Yes, I understood when Noam spoke of the power of his work. I had always thought of intelligence as power, the supreme power. Understanding is not the means of mastery, but the end itself (see Spinoza). This belief, pushed through the dark channels of the libido, emerged as the determinant of my sexual preferences. I am only attracted to men who I believe to be more intelligent than I am. A detected mistake in logic considerably cools my desire. They can be shorter, they can be weaker, they can be poorer, they can be meaner, but they must be smarter. For the smart are the masters in my mattering region. And if you gain power over them, then through the transitivity of power you too are powerful.

And how is it given to a woman to dominate but through sex? Through sex a woman gains control over a man's body that he himself lacks; she can move him in ways he cannot move himself. And she invades and takes over his consciousness, reducing it to a sense of its own embodiment (see Sartre). Sex is essentially the same game for men and for women, but for women, most of whom are otherwise powerless, it assumes a life-filling significance. La femme fatale, la belle dame sans merci, is an otherwise impotent person who has perfected her one strength to an unusual degree.

I have always loved in terms of power. Does this mean I've never loved? Does one love only if one loves for the right reasons? Are there right reasons? I don't know. But if I ever loved Noam, I Loved him that evening, on a train riding into Vienna, as he talked of his power, and feeling his, I felt my own. Since I can do no good because a woman/ Reach constantly at something that is near it.

~The Mind-Body Problem by Rebecca Goldstein, pages 95-96

Consider: A woman's low self-esteem leads her to devise a "mattering map" in which she determines that her self-worth and the way in which she matters is only linked to the relationships she's in, the people she loves or is close to and those she has "power over" (in a sexual way). In order to matter, the woman enslaves a man to her sexually and gets him to marry her (and is especially excited because he's a genius). Despite her clear psychological problems, she never gets treatment. And (spoilers here) when her husband is discovered to have lost his genius, she mourns him but then stays with him out of pity and compassion (but not, it would appear, out of love). A rather disappointing and depressing book.

We Eat Lighter Fuel for Fun

2011-08-12T11:56:00.006-04:00

You may have guessed by now that Heshy and I are superhuman.

What you may not have guessed is exactly why.

You see, we decided for health reasons and various reasons that we would switch over to using olive oil in recipes. And my parents had bought us this huge jug of olive oil for Chanukah. So it stands to reason that not being wasteful, we should just start using that for cooking, no?

But then it occurred to me one day that this olive oil was made especially to light Chanukah Menorahs.

Which means it might have added ingredients to make stuff burn like for example...lighter fluid?

But don't worry! I did not react with fear or woe! Only excitement!

Tis Heshy & Chana- and WE CAN EAT LIGHTER FLUID AND NOT DIE.

HURRAH!

Repugnant Nonsense

2011-08-10T23:10:00.004-04:00

A little nonsense is a dangerous thing.

The problem with this whole new culture of texts is that people take these texts out of context, publish them and then turn them into gospel. This is especially true when these statements were made in a certain era (the 1970s, for instance) and yet people try to apply them to 2011.

Case in point: I recently read some excerpts from Questions & Answers: Thursday Nights with Rabbi Avigdor Miller which were simply horrific. Horrific, I say. And to prove that to you, I produce them below.

From pages 70-71:

Q: Is college muttar for parnassah?

A: I'm not going to pasken any sha'alah. I'll tell you this. I had to go to college recently. I went to Brooklyn College to help protest against making this shelter in our neighborhood. [The City was trying to establish a shelter in the neighborhood, which would have brought undesirable elements into the community-Ed]. It was a protest meeting. As I walked in, I smelled a terrible odor. The place poshut had a Reiach Ra. It stank! The whole college had a terrible odor. It smelled bad. You really need a gas mask when you go into college! There's no place in America that smells as bad as a college. If you go to a place of the Mafia, a Mafia den, the Mafia den is perfume compared to a college! I mean it. It's not an exaggeration. Therefore, if a person has to go to a college, let's say he's a plumber, and he's going to a college to fix the plumbing there, and he has to walk in, he should hold his nose. He can't help himself. It's his Parnasah. He has to go there. But to go there and allow yourself to be dunked in their toilet, that's a different story. You want to be dunked in their toilet for Parnasah, I'm not telling you what to do. Go to your rebbe. He knows you better. Let him pasken for you. I wouldn't pasken that. I should pasken if you should dunk your head in a full toilet for Parnasah? It's too much, that I should be able to tell you that! (#852)

From Page 170:

Q: The Rav said a person shouldn't look for a shidduch with a girl who has a career. What's the reason for that?

A: A "career girl" is not the best shidduch, and let me explain. If a girl tries to learn some kind of an Omanut to make a living to support a ben Torah, yes. That's not a "career girl." She's looking for a zechus of having a husband who will devote himself to learning. I don't say how long he should learn. Whatever it is, it's a meritorious thing. But if a girl is interested in a career for herself, you should know, there's always a probability that she's going to be a very self assertive kind of a girl, a girl who thinks she's very important. And too much importance nobody should have, not even a man. Therefore, I know from experience that "career girls" are not the very best matches. If a girl tries to learn some kind of an Omanut for the purpose of supporting a ben Torah, that's not a "career girl." (E-209)

From page 174:

Q: Is it worthwhile to go to speeches by frum psychiatrists on Chinuch HaBanim?

A: If you want advice on Chinuch HaBanim, go to Mechanchim, go to Talmidei Chachamim. Don't go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. They get paid for it and they will welcome you, and you keep on coming and coming. One visit is followed by another visit. As long as you have insurance, they are willing to welcome you. Go to people that know the subject. The truth is, marriage counselors are of no use if they're not elderly Chachamim or elderly rebbetzins. Only they can help you. But regular marriage counselors only have a diploma and no experience. Many of them are divorced themselves, by the way. Many are divorced. Emily Post, who wrote for years and years in the newspapers about advice for marriage things, she was divorced and never got married again. So it's a waste of time and a waste of money. There are people who can advise you. Find out who they are, and ask people who are in chinuch: roshei yeshivos, people who were once Mechanchim. They will be able to tell you real practical advice (#E-206)

If I wish to be charitable, I will say Rabbi Miller's points of view are limited by the time period in which he wrote them (the 1970s). But whether he intended it or not, I am sure there are people who are going to take them to heart today because plenty of people just follow whatever they read in some book with a picture of a man in a beard on it.

So let me say the following:

1) For the pure of heart, college need not be something to fear

2) Career girls are often the best girls

3) Therapists can do amazing things and really heal the soul that was damaged and irreparably hurt by mussar and by cruel religious people and Rabbis, and marriage counselors (including and sometimes especially secular ones) can transform marriages, sometimes specifically because they are young/ relatable

And anyone who takes R' Miller's view in such situations is aligning himself with the side of repugnant nonsense. And also possibly of actual harm.

And Beyond

2011-08-09T16:16:00.003-04:00

Please note that I didn't hear this story directly from the Rosh Yeshiva but rather from someone who heard it from him. Therefore, the statements R' Shmulevitz made are paraphrased and any mistakes are mine.

In one of the Kinnot we say, we mention that nobody could persuade God to have mercy upon the Jews until He came to our foremother Rachel. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob- none of them could change God's mind. But when it came to Rachel, God threw out the scale of measurement and justice.

Why? Because Rachel had an unshakable argument. "I took my tzarah into my own house by giving Yaakov the signs when it was Leah who was with him," she said. "I thought I lost my future then. It had been apportioned that Leah was to be Esau's and I was to be Jacob's. Now Esau would be my lot. But I did it anyway."

R' Aaron Lopiansky explained that when one does this and is maavir al midosav, goes beyond that which is expected in such a way, there can be no judgement. God throws out the scale because Rachel herself threw out the scale in her actions.

During the Six Day War, when R' Lopiansky was in The Mir, the yeshiva was situated on a street where it was right near the Jordan border. Therefore, it was shelled. The bochurim shook in their basement/bunker and hoped that they would survive.

When the war was over and the Mir building and its yeshiva had remained intact, some of the students asked R' Chaim Shmulevitz (then the Rosh Yeshiva) in what merit they were saved. Was it because of the Torah learning? The fact that the students were kind to one another?

"No, it was none of these things," answered R' Shmulevitz. "Next to the Mir there lives a woman, a woman who is very bitter and griefstricken. The husband of her youth, who claimed to love her and who married her, walked out on her, leaving her an agunah. She had no children and she had no way to remarry. All those who saw her knew that she was an agunah, and worse, that she was one whose husband had left her deliberately. All her days, she walked around with this cloud of grief, bitterness, resentment and humiliation over her head. She was very unhappy.

"When the shelling started, she came to hide in the Mir bunker. She didn't have one of her own. And she said to God, 'God, I'm forgiving my husband now. And if I can forgive my husband, You can forgive us whatever each one of us has done so that we can live.' She's the one who saved the Mir Yeshiva."

When you are maavir al midoseich, when you throw out the scale, God has no choice but to do the same.

Magician

2011-08-09T12:27:00.002-04:00

I have always been attracted to magic and fantasy books.

I realized today the reason why.

It is because I am a magician.

I have the power to imbue objects with holiness and also to imbue them with impurity.

My actions directly impact and affect my own fate and possibly even the fate of others.

I can uplift sparks that have fallen to earth.

And to accomplish these things, I must live a rigorously defined and delineated life, in which my diet, dress, habits, thoughts and desires are strictly controlled.

I am one of the chosen, one of those born with the gift of magic. Is it Lily's fault that it was she and not Petunia who was allowed access to Hogwarts? Should Lily then apologize for being chosen? I think not.

It is a gift, but like all gifts, its use is disciplined. Its cost is high. And its power is astonishing.

When we teach our children and they recoil at being told they are Jews and chosen and therefore must obey the laws of the Torah, let us frame it a different way.

Let us tell them they are wizards and witches and therefore must listen to Dumbledore. At least if they wish to have any hope of defeating Voldemort. And they must trust in him, no matter how maligned he may be.

They will be challenged along the way. But that is how it should be.

Only in overcoming oneself (for Harry, dying when he wishes to live) does one achieve greatness.

Your path is the path of justice and also of salvation.

When you are born into this world, the question is...will you rise to the occasion?

Will you be a magician- or not?

Too many throw away their gift, overcome by the long, hard years it takes to master it, the rigorous control and discipline, the difficult tests, the arduous work. They determine that the cultivation of their gift is not worth the effort. They have not yet met the Alannas of the world.

Be an Alanna. Nurture your gift.

Gift

2011-08-07T00:07:00.005-04:00

In 'By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept' the seminarian chooses to give his gift of healing and miracle-working back to the Virgin Mary.

"So yesterday, I asked a miracle of the Virgin," he continued. "I asked that She take away my gift."

"And just as I was asking that the Virgin take away my gift, I began to speak in tongues," he went on. "The tongues told me, "Place your hands on the earth. Your gift will leave you and return to the Mother's breast."

"Yes. I did as the inspiration of the Holy Spirit bade. The fog lifted, and the sun shone on the mountains. I felt that the Virgin understood- because She had also loved so greatly."

I was thinking about this idea within the context of Judaism. Would it be permitted?

On the one hand, there is the idea in the Talmud that the rabbis could say, "I do not want this suffering and I do not want its rewards," which allowed them to relieve their pain.

But it seems to work differently when one wants to surrender one's gift. God eases the burden but does not take it entirely away.

1) Moses

יד לֹא-אוּכַל אָנֹכִי לְבַדִּי, לָשֵׂאת אֶת-כָּל-הָעָם הַזֶּה: כִּי כָבֵד, מִמֶּנִּי.	14 I am not able to bear all this people myself alone, because it is too heavy for me.
טו וְאִם-כָּכָה אַתְּ-עֹשֶׂה לִּי, הָרְגֵנִי נָא הָרֹג--אִם-מָצָאתִי חֵן, בְּעֵינֶיךָ; וְאַל-אֶרְאֶה, בְּרָעָתִי. {פ}	15 And if Thou deal thus with me, kill me, I pray Thee, out of hand, if I have found favour in Thy sight; and let me not look upon my wretchedness.'

God does spreads Moses' spirit amidst 70 men, but he does not simply take away his gift entirely. He does not tell him he can retire as leader now.

2) Elijah

ד וְהוּא-הָלַךְ בַּמִּדְבָּר, דֶּרֶךְ יוֹם, וַיָּבֹא, וַיֵּשֶׁב תַּחַת רֹתֶם אחת (אֶחָד); וַיִּשְׁאַל אֶת-נַפְשׁוֹ, לָמוּת, וַיֹּאמֶר רַב עַתָּה יְהוָה קַח נַפְשִׁי, כִּי-לֹא-טוֹב אָנֹכִי מֵאֲבֹתָי.

4 But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom-tree; and he requested for himself that he might die; and said: 'It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.'

Elijah is told he may appoint Elisha in his place, but not until he finishes his tasks (he must annoint Hazael and Jehu).

So God has mercy and also compassion, but He does not heed entirely. Once chosen, always chosen. The gift must run its course.

Shechina

2011-08-06T23:41:00.002-04:00

I was inspired by Paulo Coelho's book 'By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept' to consider the feminine aspect of God, the Shechina. For God has both the feminine and masculine aspects and in Him are they melded.

It then occurred to me that in Genesis the following verse appears.

27. And God created man in His image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

כז. וַיִּבְרָא אֱ־לֹהִים אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ בְּצֶלֶם אֱ־לֹהִים בָּרָא אֹתוֹ זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה בָּרָא אֹתָם:

Rashi cites Midrash Agada that the first human was created as a hermaphrodite. Both the feminine and masculine aspects were in that first being.

זכר ונקבה ברא אותם: ולהלן הוא אומר (בראשית ב כא) ויקח אחת מצלעותיו וגו', מדרש אגדה שבראו שני פרצופין בבריאה ראשונה ואחר כך חלקו. ופשוטו של מקרא, כאן הודיעך שנבראו שניהם בששי ולא פירש לך כיצד ברייתן ופירש לך במקום אחר:

It then occurred to me that finally the words 'in the image of God' make sense to me. The first human was created in the image of God. Meaning, with both the feminine and masculine aspect as one united being. Hence as a hermaphrodite.

However, God realized that what worked for Him did not work for the human. He noted:

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man is alone; I shall make him a helpmate opposite him."

יח. וַיֹּאמֶר יְ־הֹוָ־ה אֱ־לֹהִים לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ אֶעֱשֶׂה לּוֹ עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ:

God realized that what worked for Him did not work for man. God is in perfect union with his masculine and feminine attributes and aspects. But man was not able to sustain this existence. He was alone. Therefore God needed to make a helpmate for him who was k'negdo. Not part of his being any longer, but separated from him. And thus God seperated the woman from the man so that what had once been one creature was now two.

In Chasidic tradition, the Shechina (as the feminine aspect of God) and the male aspect of God unite as one on the Sabbath. The Shechina is also identified as manifesting as the Sabbath Queen. As is well known, there is a special emphasis about the man and woman coming together in love on Friday eve. It occurred to me that perhaps this is why. When the male and female aspects unite, they return to what they originally were, God's image.

It occurred to me this may be one of the reasons the Bible speaks so strongly against homosexuality and calls it an abomination. If man and woman as one unit were created in God's image and God Himself represents the union of the feminine and the masculine, the homosexual is choosing his own passions, desires or pleasures above that of returning to his original state as the image of God (joining with the feminine). This may be one of the reasons these actions are considered so displeasing to God.

Note that when the Serpent tempts Eve, he presents her with the following argument:

For God knows that on the day that you eat thereof, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like angels, knowing good and evil."

ה. כִּי יֹדֵעַ אֱ־לֹהִים כִּי בְּיוֹם אֲכָלְכֶם מִמֶּנּוּ וְנִפְקְחוּ עֵינֵיכֶם וִהְיִיתֶם כֵּאלֹהִים יֹדְעֵי טוֹב וָרָע:

The translation here says 'angels' but another translation would be 'gods.' The Serpent tells Eve that if she eats from the Tree of Life, she will be like god.

What Eve does not understand is that she is not meant to be like God. At least not in the way the Serpent is suggesting. God saw that when he originally created man and woman in His exact image, as hermaphrodites, they were lonely. They could not stand that loneliness and thus he had to separate them. For them to be like God, to form His image once more, they must unite together in holiness, coming close to one another, sharing their souls and their bodies.

Eating of the fruit is an act of distancing herself from God. According to Midrash, where the Serpent was possessed by the angel Samael and Eve slept with him, it's in fact the exact antithesis of being like God. If being like God is taking the male aspect into oneself and re-joining the two halves that were broken, a female can only mate with a male of her species. To mate with an angel, beast or a member of the same gender will not accomplish this. This is why the angels who mated with women to create the Nephilim were frowned upon. (I wrote a paper about the Nephilim for those curious to learn more. I can email it to you.)

The statement about their creation is repeated in Chapter 5:

Male and female He created them, and He blessed them, and He named them man (Adam) on the day they were created.

ב. זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה בְּרָאָם וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתָם וַיִּקְרָא אֶת שְׁמָם אָדָם בְּיוֹם הִבָּרְאָם:

The creature God created was originally named 'Man,' 'Adam,' from the earth. Then God seperated out the woman and the man named her 'Chava,' Mother of all Life, Eve. But as one unit, one flesh, we return to Adam. We encapsulate that image of God, binding the masculine and the feminine together. It is a form of redemption; perhaps even a reclamation. We have returned; we have reclaimed. We are now One.

Suffering

2011-08-06T23:25:00.003-04:00

"And what does all this have to do with him?"

"I've told you the heroic side of the story. But you don't know anything about the souls of these heroes."

He paused.

"The suffering," he picked up again. "At moments of transformation, martyrs are born. Before a person can follow his dream, others have to make sacrifices. They have to confront ridicule, persecution, and attempts to discredit what they are trying to do."

"It was the church that burned the witches at the stake, Padre."

"Right. And Rome threw the Christians to the lions. But those who died at the stake or in the sand of the arena rose quickly to eternal glory- they were better off.

"Nowadays, warriors of the light confront something worse than the honorable death of the martyrs. They are consumed, bit by bit, by shame and humiliation. That's how it was with SAnit Teresa- who suffered for the rest of her life. That's how it was for Maria de Jesus, too. and for the happy children who saw Our Lady in Fatima, Portugal- well, Jacinta and Francisco died just a few months later; Lucia entered a convent from which she never emerged."

"But that's not how it was for Bernadette."

"Yes, it was. She had to live through prison, humiliation, and discredit. He must have described that to you. He must have told you the words of the visitation."

"Some of them."

"In the visitations at Lourdes, the p hrases uttered by Our Lady wouldn't fill half a page of a notebook, but one of the things the Virgin said clearly to the girl was 'I do not promise you happiness in this world. Why did she warn Bernadette? Because she knew the pain that awaited Bernadette if she accepted her mission."

I looked at the sun, the snow, and the bare branches of the trees.

"He is a revolutionary," he continued, sounding humble. "He has the power, and he converses with Our Lady. If he is able to concentrate his forces well, he can be one of the leaders in the spiritual transformation of the human race. This is a critical point in the history of the world.

"But if he chooses this path, he is going to go through a great deal of suffering. His revelations have come to him before their time. I know the human soul well enough to know what he can expect."

The padre turned to me and held me by the shoulders. "Please," he said. "Keep him from the suffering and tragedy that lie in store for him. He will not be able to survive them."

"I understand your love for him, Padre."

He shook his head. "No, no. You don't understand anything. You are still too young to know the evils of the world. At this point, you see yourself as a revolutionary too. You want to change the world with him, open new paths, see the story of your love for each other become legend- a story passed down through the generations. You still think that love can conquer all."

"Well, can't it?"

"Yes, it can. But it conquers at the right time- after the celestial battles have ended."

"But I love him. I don't have to wait for the celestial battles to end for my love to win out."

He gazed into the distance.

"On the banks of the rivers of Babylon, we sat down and wept," he said, as if talking to himself. "On the willows there, we hung up our harps."

"How sad," I answered.

"Those are the first lines of one of the psalms. It tells of exile and of those who want to return to the promised land but cannot. And that exile is still going to last for a long time. What can I do to try to prevent the suffering of someone who wants to return to paradise before it is time to do so?"

"Nothing, Padre. Absolutely nothing."

~By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho, pages 151-155

***

"I am willing. But they are my risks."

I wanted to interrupt him, but he wasn't listening.

"So yesterday, I asked a miracle of the Virgin," he continued. "I asked that She take away my gift."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I have a little money and all the experience that years of traveling have given me. We'll buy a house, I'll get a job, and I'll serve God as Saint Joseph did, with the humility of an anonymous person. I don't need miracles in my life anymore to keep the faith. I need you."

My legs were growing weak, and I felt as if I might faint.

"And just as I was asking that the Virgin take away my gift, I began to speak in tongues," hwe went on. "The tongues told me, '{Place your hands on the earth. Your gift will leave you and return to the Mother's breast."

I was in a panic. "You didn't..."

"Yes. I did as the inspiration of the Holy Spirit bade. The fog lifted, and the sun shone on the mountains. I felt that the Virgin understood- because She had also loved so greatly."

"But She followed Her man! She accepted the path taken by Her son!"

"We don't have Her strength, Pilar. My gift will be passed on to someone else- such gifts are never wasted."

~By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho, pages 193-194

Clarification

2011-08-02T20:03:00.000-04:00

Does anyone happen to know if Judy Brown who wrote 'Hush' is the same person as Yudit Brown who writes for Aish?

The writing styles remind me of each other. Thanks.

The General's Daughter

2011-07-31T03:28:00.002-04:00

Tonight I watched The General's Daughter. It raises a slew of very interesting questions and moral dilemmas for further research. (Warning: Spoilers ahead.)

1. The film attempts to portray a victim of gang rape reclaiming her sense of self and self confidence through engaging in the dominant role of BDSM-type relationships. She also becomes very promiscuous. Is this accurate to some responses of rape victims or not? (My assumption without researching is most likely not)

2. The film includes the victim of gang rape choosing to replay her rape, this time hoping for a different response and reaction from her father, who betrayed her. Is this (rape replay) actually therapeutically helpful? If yes, when is it used? If not, why isn't it used?

3. The film attempts to claim that an individual's pain takes precedence over all the consequences that might occur due to a public announcement of that pain. The General is denounced for covering up the gang rape and telling his daughter 'It never happened.' However, in his mind he was preserving the reputation of West Point. He assumed her rapists would never be found (this was before the days of DNA) and that in light of this, 1000 graduates of West Point did not deserve to have their reputations tarnished (as they would be considered potential rapists in the eyes of the world). Also, the presence of women in the military would be set back by decades as women would be afraid to sign up. So: is an individual's pain worth these far-reaching consequences or not?

Given the famous Duke lacrosse team case, where all the members of the team were found guilty in the court of public opinion- while later it was proven that the stripper simply made up the entire scenario- one must wonder about this last.

What I figure is that the matter should have been discreetly investigated and they should have attempted to have found the rapists. They should have tried to keep it quiet so that the media would not find out and hence the consequences they worried over would not have occurred. The general should not have denied that the rape ever happened. At the very least he should have told his daughter that the rape DID happen but that she should consider the potential consequences for the army and West Point as a whole before pressing charges, thus leaving the decision up to her.

I was thinking that to some extent the scenario was similar to allegations of incest or abuse. Sometimes a parent can be the abuser and the other parent can be aware of the abuse but denies it to himself/ herself and to the child, if confronted. So the child is not protected by the parent and their pain is considered non-existent and is denied outright. The film claims that this 'betrayal' is what is worse than rape. But I don't think betrayal is the right word. I would argue 'denial' is.

Denial is a powerful form of demoralizing, degrading and demeaning victims. Denial is saying their pain is not real or valid, the episodes they report never occurred and that they have no excuse for being victims at all. It was not the father's betrayal of his daughter that hurt her. It was his denial that the rape had even occurred at all, and that her subsequent psychological problems were real.

Denial invalidates one's feelings and also casts doubt upon their mental state. If it didn't happen, perhaps you made it up. And if you made it up for no reason, that suggests you are troubled. It's a form of psychological warfare to deny that trauma occurred. It is in fact a more extreme form of gaslighting. What the general's daughter couldn't forgive is that her father told her what she had been through didn't exist, that the pain wasn't real, and that her subsequent behavior was not connected to it. She wanted acknowledgment of the truth and she didn't get it.

The sad thing is, too many victims don't.

Genesis Party

2011-07-28T18:10:00.002-04:00

I am now holding a special review copy (that means I got it for free) of Rabbi Ari Kahn's 'Echoes of Eden: Sefer Bereishit!'

I'm super excited to read it!

All the Children

2011-07-21T09:10:00.000-04:00

All the souls are precious.
Children are hurt every day. They're molested, abused, possibly even murdered.
So are women. A woman is raped every 2 minutes according to the Department of Justice.
That's the one thing I don't understand: why is everyone so saddened by this tragedy in particular?
Is it because of the gruesome way that the man carved him up?
Or the fact that he was so little and innocent?
All the children are little or innocent.
One should be sad for each one of them.

globes of light may shatter underfoot

2011-07-13T23:18:00.000-04:00

Hi God,

It's been a while since the last time we chatted.

I feel sometimes like my life is a dance to the tune of the Moonlight Sonata. The revved up version by Jason Yang, specifically. There's so much beauty and so much misery in it, so many shades and twists, so many times that you throw all the scarves up in the air and have them come down to earth as a sparkling multicolored rubber band ball. My life is a dance performed by reckless trapeze artists, tightrope walkers who jumprope on the wires without nets. I see their bodies as they curve, their necks as they strain and then tighten with anticipation, waiting for the jump. Then they fall, gracefully, climbing through air, extending their limbs and they contort and twirl and make the leap. And there they are, their legs coiled around the wooden bar.

Ballerinas on wooden slats. I find myself caught within it, this curious dance full of melancholy and empathy and a unique, vivid sheen, like that of teardrops just glazing the eye. It disappears in a blink. And then there's the rain, so purifying. I see these women stretch their bodies, their long limber legs; I see them black-in-white in leotards that are elegant in their simplicity. These nameless women perform in the rain and the water mats their hair and slicks it back and glitters on their hands like so many diamonds.

I cried a lot today. I wanted that little boy to live again.
I wished we had an Elijah or Elisha to bring him back to life.
I wished there was a Valley of Dry Bones so the flesh could knit back together, the hands and feet rejoin the torso, the little child rise from the dead.

I wonder sometimes what the Resurrection of the Dead will be like. Perhaps it will be that wondrous, with the bodies coming together, the spirit then resting within once more. And all who see it will be dazed, amazed, shocked by the power that is Yours.

I don't think I'd much like to be resurrected if the choice were to be with You or to be back on earth. Why would a soul want to walk the earth again? There's so much darkness here and there's so much beauty with You. I suppose the only consolation to those of us who do walk the earth is that You have given us the tools to make a difference, that somehow we can do something here that will make our lives worthwhile and even meaningful.

I love life and I love the world you created. I love the green hue of the leaves on the trees, the birds that sing and cluck, the chipmunks that dart through the underbrush, the neon lights and glittering sidewalks of Times Square. I love the pretty things here. But how would any of that compare to the opportunity to be with You? I imagine it's much harder to be on earth than it is to walk in heaven.

I wonder about the little boy's soul. Where is it now? Have you placed him beside You? Why did You choose him to serve as our atonement?

ח וַיֹּאמֶר, אַבְרָהָם, אֱלֹהִים יִרְאֶה-לּוֹ הַשֶּׂה לְעֹלָה, בְּנִי; וַיֵּלְכוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם, יַחְדָּו. 8 And Abraham said: 'God will provide Himself the lamb for a burnt-offering, my son.' So they went both of them together.

Why this child?
What made him Your Chosen?
What quality set him aside?

How lucky he is to be with You now, but how sad Your taking him has made his family and all of us. It's the agent You employed that horrifies us all. When You send the serpent or the animal, we learn to understand. But when it is a man with free will who exercises it to harm another, we are hurt.

I wonder what soul this child had. It must have been a very special one to be accompanied to God in such a way. Thousands upon thousands of people attended the funeral, just as occurs by the most righteous ones. I wonder what kind of conversation he had with You before he was sent to this earth. What did this soul ask of You?

I wonder sometimes: what did my soul ask of You? Why did I ask it? I feel rather often that my life is just like "Paycheck." I talked to You and prepared the envelope that would let me destroy the machine back before I was born, when I was just a soul. But once back on earth, I forgot everything. Now my life consists of following the train of events that occur due to the envelope items, but I don't know why I have them or where they lead. I just know that I have to follow them.

Maid Marion.

Leiby Kletzky

2011-07-13T17:45:00.002-04:00

They say in Boro Park that the little boy begged his mother to walk home from camp by himself. She agreed, allowing him to walk six blocks. The problem was, he walked six blocks in the opposite direction. He was lost.

So he approached a man and said, "Help please, I'm lost." And the man said he would buy him ice cream and take him home. So he bought the boy ice cream and the boy sat in the car for seven minutes. Seven minutes during which he could have escaped had he known what that man intended.

Then the man made a stop by his dentist's office and paid his bill. The dentist remembered the boy. It was through this dentist that the police were able to identify the man who took Leiby as Levi Aron. This man had taken Leiby to his home. There, he suffocated the boy (thank God for small mercies) and later dismembered him.

Boro Park as a whole did not know this. Shomrim, the NYPD and the FBI went searching for the child. Thousands of people, including Heshy's family, volunteered to search for the child. There were sirens and huge speakers calling Leiby's name. Everyone searched for the little boy. And those who were not searching prayed and updated their Facebook statuses and emailed his name to the world.

Once the police were at Aron's house, they discovered pieces of the child's body in the freezer/ refrigerator and Aron led them to the other parts of the body in a red suitcase in the dumpster.

I found out today that in fact Leiby is the cousin of a classmate of mine from high school. Already upset, I had not expected that.

The last time I remember us all praying for a different outcome with a tremendous outpouring of love and good will like this was by Koby Mandell and Yosef Ishran. But God said no. I remember being devastated by this news. I was touched later on to find that Koby's mother had written a book, The Blessing of a Broken Heart. I remember it comforted me somewhat.

I also remember an excerpt from the book:

I remember being awed by the way that Sherri turned even this tragedy into something deep from which we could learn. I remember also being touched by her column 'Life, Not Ashes.'

Tonight is the funeral. The rabbis will cry. The laypeople will cry. We will all cry. But we will also be part of something bigger, which will be remembering Leiby, learning from him and his life, trying to emulate whatever it was in him that made God desire him and choose him to be with Him.

There was a song I learned in Camp Agudah about death and loss that went as follows:

A rose among the flowers
A treasure for the king
Dodi halach b'gano
Lilkot Shoshanim

The analogy, of course, was that the precious, singular unique roses of the world were the ones God chose for His garden.

I like to imagine that Aviva Miretzky, Koby Mandell, Yosef Ishran, Leiby Kletzky and the other little ones who die or are murdered are part of God's inner court. That their souls were so special and pure that God desired them to come back to Him early, where He could surround Himself with their fragrance and hear their beautiful words. That Leiby sees a world that the rest of us cannot imagine, replete with glittering castles that sparkle and sparkling Hebrew letters that float, and that he is content and even joyful there.

Of course this does not excuse the actions of those who kill. But as God is just and in the end so are all things, I believe that these flowers were plucked by him and form a part of his eternal garden. This idea is expressed in "Gathering Flowers for the Master's Bouquet." (Listen here).

Loved ones are passing each day & each hour,
Passing away as the life of a flower.
But every bud and each blossom some day,
Will bloom as a flower in the Master's Bouquet.

Gathering flowers for the Master's Bouquet,
Beautiful flowers that will never decay.
Gathered by angels and carried away,
Forever to bloom in the Master's Bouquet.

Women

2011-06-29T20:25:00.004-04:00

I love women with soul.
Women with appetite.
Women who are ambitious, who love to strive.
Women who are fierce.
Women who are just.
Women who are physically slight, small, delicate or feminine but who nonetheless manage to be surprisingly strong and surprisingly resilient.
Women who are vulnerable.
Women who, like Wesley, declare "To the pain!" and then smile.
Women who consistently prove that their broken hearts are worth more than whole ones, because they break their own hearts in order to give the pieces away.
Women who are survivors and who survive tragedies.
Women who have the courage to try- again.
To love-again.
To give- wholeheartedly.
To hold nothing back.
Women who are ferocious.
Women who embody contradictions.
Women who make their lives about a driving force or idea.
Lisbeth Salander.
Renee Walker.
Olivia Benson.
Daenerys Targaryen.
Women of valor.

Life Is The Road

2011-06-29T16:43:00.002-04:00

Snatches of this song were playing through my head all day- I realized I was thinking about me and Heshy. Yay Heshy.

(As an aside, Anastasia is one of my favorite cartoon movies. It bears lots of similarities to 'Beauty and the Beast' including the yellow gown and the weeping beauty with hero-revival scene. Also, I love Dmitri.)

"Life is the Road" in Anastasia

(girl)
We were strangers, startin out on a journey
Never dreamin' what we'd have to go through
Now here we are, and I'm suddenly standin'
At the beginning with you
(Man)
No one told me, I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
(both)When I lost hope, you were there to remind me
This is the start

And life is the road
And I wanna keep going
Love is a river and
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever a
Wonderful journey.
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storys through
In the end I wanna be standin'
At the beginning with you.
(girl)
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
(man)
Never dreamin' how our dreams would come true
(both)Now here we stand unafraid of the futeure
At the beginning with you

And life is the road
And I wanna keep going
Love is a river and
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever a
Wonderful journey.
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storys through
In the end I wanna be standin'
At the beginning with you.
(man)
New there was somebody somewhere
Help me alone in the dark
(both)
Now I know my dreams will live on
Ive been waiting too long
Nothings gonna tear us apart.

And life is the road
And I wanna keep going
Love is a river and
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever a
Wonderful journey.
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the story's through
In the end I wanna be standin'
At the beginning with you.

Life is the road and
I wanna keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep going on
Starting out on a journey

And life is the road
And I wanna keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standin'
At the beginning with you.

Back in Time

2011-06-27T11:41:00.002-04:00

ט מַה-שֶּׁהָיָה, הוּא שֶׁיִּהְיֶה, וּמַה-שֶּׁנַּעֲשָׂה, הוּא שֶׁיֵּעָשֶׂה; וְאֵין כָּל-חָדָשׁ, תַּחַת הַשָּׁמֶשׁ. 9 That which hath been is that which shall be, and that which hath been done is that which shall be done; and there is nothing new under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

~

1. Gay marriage is now legal in New York-

רבי הונא בשם רבי אמר דור המבול לא נימוחו מן העולם עד שכתבו גמומסיות לזכר ולבהמה
Rabbi Huna said in the name of Rebbe that the Generation of the Flood was not wiped out of the world until they wrote marriage contracts between a man and a man and between a man and an animal. (Midrash Rabbah 26:5 in Genesis)

2. Shechita is under attack in Holland (Link)

3. San Francisco plans to vote on banning Brit Milah

~

I find it amusing that despite having progressed in so many areas (especially that of technology), our society is still banning or promoting the same old things. One could make the argument that modernization itself will create the same effects as the anti-semitism of old.

Salander

2011-06-27T08:23:00.002-04:00

Lisbeth, who incidentally Cymbaline says would be a lot closer to my guardian angel, is one of the stars of the 'Dark Dramas with a Female Lead' that Netflix tells me I like.

"Salander's greatest fear, which was so huge and so black that it was of phobic proportions, was that people would laugh at her feelings." - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Shmoop explains this as follows: "She's confident in her role as an avenger, but not in her role as a plain old human being, and not as someone beloved."

Salander is a visible depiction of nearly anyone. People may be confident in their roles at work, as avengers, as justice-dispensers and so on but it's their inner world that is the most precious and the most fragile. I love to watch characters deal with their insecurities and the issues that lurk beneath the surface, because those are at once what makes them who they are but also where their darkest struggles take place. These private worlds are where all the action transpires; what the public world sees is only the overflow.

Fabulosity

2011-06-26T12:59:00.000-04:00

Always the darkness before the storm.
Today's already one of the best days of my life.

Angel

2011-06-24T11:59:00.002-04:00

They say every blade of grass has an Angel who whispers to it to "Grow, grow!" And if every blade of grass has an angel, surely every human has one too.

I wonder what my angel looks like. I picture her as very beautiful, with a delicacy of features similar to Emilia Clarke, especially when she plays Daenerys. I love silver-haired people. My angel would be a cross between Lady Amalthea from The Last Unicorn and Daenerys from Game of Thrones. She'd wear very whispy, gauzy fabrics that would shiver around her and she would have a very sweet, light voice. And she would watch me very sorrowfully because she'd be sad when I'm sad.

I wonder what she would say if I could hear her. Probably something very soft and pretty and kind. She's a kind angel.

I like the song "Angel" by Broken Door.

Cause you are my angel;
You saved me from danger.
With you I'm no stranger;
I won't suffer any more

Exciting

2011-06-23T19:27:00.001-04:00

I got my official notice that I passed my Masters examination. So hurrah- welcome to Chana, Masters for real.

Daenerys

2011-06-22T13:24:00.003-04:00

I am Daenerys Stormborn. Hear me roar. (Warning: Nudity in clip.)

I've loved 'Game of Thrones' for a long time now. I really enjoy the portrayal of Daenerys, lady of fire, blood and dragons.

A Sense of Mystery

2011-06-15T12:02:00.003-04:00

The very best fantasy is the one that is in touch with the sense of mystery. It is that sense of melancholic mystery tinged with an old knowledge that is the hardest to create and the most satisfying to read. The reader recognizes it in the pang of sadness he feels as he closes the last pages of the book. It's a sadness that stems from a recognition of the old magic.

The old Russian fairy tales capture this sense of mystery very well. "Vasilisa the Beautiful" is an excellent representation of this type of writing, as is Finist the Falcon. It's the eeriness of the beautiful maiden carrying a lamp lit in the head of a skull while being set these apparently insurmountable tasks that haunts and excites the mind.

Jean Cocteau's "La Belle Et La Bete" is another perfect example. Who will ever forget the anguished Beast's smoking hands, the music of extraordinary timbre, the sadness of an elegant Belle?

Oscar Wilde's "The Nightingale and the Rose" provides yet another example of this sort of prose.

Green Rider (but none of its sequels) has a touch of it, too.

Several of Peter S. Beagle's stories in 'We Never Talk About My Brother' have this quality and his book 'The Last Unicorn' epitomizes it.

But I have yet to see anyone capture it as well as Barbara Leonie Picard does in her 'Selected Fairy Tales.' Such an unassuming title and yet every story bears such deep knowledge, commiseration with and sympathy for the human condition.

The mystery lies in that which is inexplicable but true; the story could not have been told in any way other than what the author described it to be. It operates on older principles, the values of an age where magic was free and roamed the earth, where sacrifices had meaning and each creature went to meet his destiny with an open heart.

Athena

2011-06-13T08:56:00.002-04:00

I had a roommate who would hum, sing, warble and perform a certain song all the time. She had no way of knowing this song brought back painful memories and it made me unhappy to hear it. When she'd sing it, I would go to my own room or would leave the apartment completely.

I decided against politely asking her not to sing the song anymore. I felt that that would require explanation and I didn't wish to share my private memories with her. Of course, I could have lied, but I don't like giving people power over me. I felt that by admitting to her that the song troubled me, she would then know something about me which I couldn't take back.

So I didn't tell her. I just tried to avoid the song. But, insidious, it would slither up in places I didn't expect. I would walk into department stores and hear it playing. It would find me in half-sleep.

And this morning, it appeared in an instrumental version on my Pandora radio.

People say that nothing has power over you unless you give it that power. According to this philosophy, I should be able to control my emotional reaction to this song. It shouldn't sadden me. It shouldn't make me catch the scent of a bittersweet bouquet of faded flowers. It shouldn't cause me to reflect on a bygone past and wonder pointlessly. I, the all-powerful human, should be able to master my mood.

Mastery of one's moods is not a particularly honest pasttime, however. If the song is a kick in the gut, there's a reason that's the case.

Stormy tempest, maelstrom of moods, wash over and confound me; I am Poseidon's daughter and I'll greet you with a smile.

Death's Mistress

2011-06-03T14:05:00.004-04:00

The hound is yapping at my door,
a cry to enter nevermore,
where nothing is and nothing was,
and Death's dark deeds exist because.

Death beckons me and bids me come;
His gesture's followed by a hum.
His scepter's topped with a large crystal;
it has the severity of a pistol.

Shut up, you infernal dog.
I'm not frightened by Death's fog.
You can yelp and you can cry;
You shan't make me spare a single sigh.

Death's my master but I'm his mistress.
It causes him untold conniptions.
Still, it's me he must please come night,
or else I'll banish him from my sight.

Tonight he's killed. I can't bear the reek.
A bloodbath was it? Or drowned-at-a-creek?
Blood drips from his designer clothes;
A gory death it seems he chose.

No, no, dear lad. You can't come in.
I'm perfumed, pressed and ripe as sin.
Go wash yourself and once cleaned up,
I'll see if there's something for you to sup.

What's that you say? You'll go away?
Leave me for a sweeter maid?
Go travel past the seven seas-
I know you will come home to me.

I'm your one vice. Your one delight.
I cause your passion to ignite.
Possess whatever you may wish;
In the end you'll trade it for my kiss.

Behold! You see, I am Death's Mistress
and cannot be frightened by his grimness.
I know every sunken inch of skull
by which he frightens the lost gull.

And in the end, he's mine, my love;
my sweet Death. My gentle dove.

Saturday

2011-06-03T13:57:00.003-04:00

I take my coffee black;
I take my darkness chilled;
I take my illusions sweetened,
and hope not to get killed.

I take my whiskey straight;
I take my sadness quiet;
I take my friendship savory,
and hope to survive the riot.

In the end it won't matter if she loved him-
or whether he loved her.
It will only matter if he acted
like a man or like a cur.

Prom

2011-06-02T10:48:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I came home and saw a long white limo outside of our apartment.

Given that I live in Washington Heights amidst bodegas, clothing stores and fruit stores, that was an odd sight.

My neighbor Marguerita and my other neighbor who always hangs out outside our building were sitting on the stoop and standing on the sidewalk respectively.

"What's that about?" I gestured.

"It's Diego's son," they informed me.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. "It must be the prom!"

Sure enough, Diego and his wife came outside looking extremely happy. They snapped a bunch of pictures of their son and then sent him off in the white limo, likely going off to pick up his date, enjoy a delicious dinner at a restaurant and then party the night away.

Their son was all spiffed up in a white suit with a snazzy tie and was carrying a shopping bag from a designer company (containing a corsage, perhaps?)

I was just thinking that to me, this emblemized the American Dream at its best. You can come from the Dominican Republic and work as a super, but your son can succeed in high school, college and beyond and one day have an easy life and a white collar profession (if that's his aspiration). And you can see all those things when you look at him, standing there, glowing with life, about to get into his limo in the middle of stifling hot, dirty, teeming Washington Heights- you can see your dream.

I found it moving.

Corti's Meme

2011-05-29T08:03:00.001-04:00

I wish I could…solve people's problems and decrease the amount of pain there is in this world. Or in the words of the immortal Edgar Allan Poe, I wish I could save every grain of sand.

My biggest fear is…pain. I hate pain, and the idea of dying in an especially painful way worries me. I'm also afraid of losing control of my mental faculties, like in Alzheimers or early onset dementia.

I hate to…do chores. It depends on the chore, of course, and I'll still do them; it's just that there's not much imagination that goes into chores.

I love…my husband Heshy, my family, children (especially random ones that I meet on the subway who look at me adorably and wonder about me while licking their ice-cream pops), reading, writing and feeling alive.

Today I will…attend a party.

Yesterday I…was in Monsey for Shabbat and really enjoyed the rolling verdant greenery and hills.

My hair is…light brown, golden in sunlight.

I will never…sacrifice my morals, principles, values or integrity for the sake of getting ahead, please God.

Masters 2011

2011-05-26T08:06:00.000-04:00

Graduation: The one day we ALL look like we attend the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I get to wear a hood! How cool is that! Robes and hoods rock my socks. Hurrah!

Epic

2011-05-24T12:03:00.001-04:00

House: You made a decision.

Patient: I changed my mind.

House: Why?

Patient: Because there are more important things than-

House: Than what? Than your brain? Your abilities? That’s where everything comes from; any meaning in your life, any happiness.

Patient: Not all happiness-

House: [with contempt and anger] He’s already left once. He’s gonna leave you again. You don’t need to depend on people who are gonna let you down. If you do this, you’re a [fishes for the right word, then continues in a biting tone] pathetic hypocrite. Your signature whole life, all your work up until him was a pointless-

Patient: Why are you doing this?

House realizes, then walks out.

~

Of course, House is describing his relationship with Cuddy.

Shirley Triumphant

2011-05-20T07:47:00.000-04:00

With thanks to my friend Anna, who recommended this book to me, I hope you all enjoy the following excerpt. It's as true today as it was true then. Shirley is the every-girl with their every-visions. It was said in the 'Ten Reasons Stern Girls Won't Date Me' posting:

I want someone that learns X-teen hours a day

Noel says the same type of thing to Marjorie.

pages 172-173And then when Marjorie does marry that typical guy, we are brought this gem of a scene...

~

She had taken but two or three steps downward when she also saw, in the very last row of the array of black-clad men and beautifully gowned women, the tall blond man in brown tweed jacket and gray slacks, with an old camel's hair coat slung over one arm, incongruous as he was startling. she had not even known Noel Airman was in the United States; but he had come to see her get married. She could not discern his expression, but there wasn't a doubt in the world that it was Noel.

She didn't waver or change countenance at all; she continued her grave descent. But in an instant, as though green gelitan had been slid one by one in front of every light in the ballroom, she saw the scene differently. She saw a tawdry mockery of sacred things, a bourgeois riot of expense, with a special touch of vulgar Jewish sentimentality. The gate of roses behind her was comical; the flower-massed canopy ahead was grotesque; the loud whirring of the movie camera was a joke, the scrambling still photographer in the empty aisle, twisting his camera at his eye, a low clown. The huge diamond on her right hand capped the vulgarity; she could feel it there; she slid a finger to cover it. Her husband waiting for her under the canopy wasn't a proserpous doctor, but he was a prosperous lawyer; he had the mustache Noel had predicted; with macabre luck Noel had even guessed the initials. And she- she was Shirley, going to a Shirley fate, in a Shirley blaze of silly costly glory.

All this passed through her mind in a flash, between one step downward and the next. Then her eyes shifted to her father's face, rosily happy, looking up at her from the foot of the stairs. The green gelitan slid aside, and she saw her wedding again by the lights that were there in the room. If it was all comical in Noel's eyes, she thought, he might derive pleasure from what he could. She was what she was, Marjorie Morgenstern of West End Avenue, marrying the man she wanted in the way she wanted to be married. It was a beautiful wedding, and she knew she was a pretty bride.

She reached the bottom of the stairs. Her father stepped to her side. Taking his arm, she turned a bit and squarely faced into Noel Airman's expected grin; he was not ten feet from her. But to her surprise Noel wasn't grinning. He looked better than he had in Paris: not so thin, not so pale, and he appeared to have gotten back all his hair. His expression was baffled, almost vacant. His mouth hung slightly open; his eyes seemed wet.

The organ music swelled to its loudest. Marjorie marched down the aisle with solemn gladness to her destiny, and became Mrs. Milton Schwartz.

-Marjorie Morningstar by Herman Wouk, pages 556-557

*

Unlike those who read the book in the context of Marjorie's failure, I assert that she won. She adored Noel and he tried to verbally force her to act on her supposed dreams by arguing otherwise she was just another girl. But what if being just another girl is what she wanted? What if she wanted the loving man, not the brilliant (and emotionally abusive) man? She's a happy Shirley at the end of the day - more than you can say for Noel.

Maccabeats LIVE at White House RIGHT NOW

2011-05-17T14:23:00.002-04:00

Check out The Maccabeats right now LIVE at the WHITE HOUSE- watch now (2:15PM EST) here- http://www.whitehouse.gov/live

Singlehood (Part 1)

2011-05-14T23:14:00.000-04:00

I was reading the absolutely beautiful book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris this Shabbat. Joshua is a sincere Christian and his words are really beautiful. I was very touched by his book. It occurred to me that I wish he was the author of books for the Jewish world rather than the Gila Manolson type. His book addresses the topics of yichud, tznius and shomer negiahin a really loving, relatable way. He comes across as your companion, in the same situations that you are in, rather than an authority figure.

The part that I found most touching was his description of singlehood within Christianity. I think Orthodox Judaism is missing a conception of singlehood. Currently, most women are under the impression their job is to go to college, graduate and then get married. We lack a sense of purpose in our singlehood. Our focus is on dating, shidduchim and our future family. I think that focus, while good, is sometimes misdirected. Here are Joshua's words to shed light on a conception of singlehood we would do well to emulate within our community.

~

1. THE RIGHT THING AT THE WRONG TIME IS THE WRONG THING

In today's world we don't readily accept the concept of delayed gratification. Our culture teaches us that if something is good, we should seek to enjoy it immediately. So we microwave our food, e-mail our letters, and express mail our packages. We do our best to escape the confines of time by accelerating our schedules, speeding up our pace, and doing whatever it takes to beat the clock. You probably know exactly what I mean. How did you respond the last time you had to wait in line for something? Did you patiently wait your turn, or did you tap your toe and try to rush the experience?

Our "do it all now" mentality has tremendously affected the timing of today's dating relationships. We see this in headlines about kids having sex at an increasingly young age. As young people rush prematurely into these activities that God has reserved for marriage, most of their elders do little to correct them. After all, what can adults say when they live by the same attitude?

Why do we insist on living this way? In my opinion, part of the reason we've adopted the immediate gratificatiion mentality is because we've lost sight of the biblical principle of seasons (see Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). Just as spring's role is different from that of fall, so each of the seasons of our lives has a different emphasis, focus, and beauty. One is not better than another; each season yields its own unique treasures. We cannot skip ahead to experience the riches of another life season any more than a farmer can rush the spring. Each season builds on the one before it.

God has many wonderful experiences He wants to give to us, but He also assigns these experiences to particular seasons of our lives. We often make the mistake, however, of taking a good thing out of its appropriate season to enjoy it when we want it. Premarital sex is a prime example of this. sex in itself is a wonderful experience (from what my married friends tell me), but if we indulge in it outside of God's plan, we sin (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). Like a fruit picked green or a flower picked before it blossoms, our attempts to rush God's timing can spoil the beauty of His plan for our lives.

Just because something is good doesn't mean we should pursue it right now. We have to remember that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

3. ANY SEASON OF SINGLENESS IS A GIFT FROM GOD

Most of us won't remain single for our entire lives, and I think that we should view our singleness as a special season of our lives, a gift from God. God gives an outline for the proper attitude towards singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:32. The Message translation reads:

I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend on becoming...holy instruments of God.Paul doesn't say this to put marriage down. He says it to encourage us to view singleness as a gift. God doesn't use our singleness to punish us. He has created this season as an unparalleled opportunity for undistracted devotion to God. And as a time for growth and service that we shouldn't take for granted or allow to slip by.

One person rightly stated, "Don't do something about your singlehood- do something with it!" Stop for just a minute and evaluate whether you're using God's gift of singleness as He desires. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I concentrating on "simply pleasing the Master?"
Am I using this season of my life to become a "holy" instrument for God?
Or am I scrambling to find a romantic relationship with someone by dating?
Am I failing to believe that God is sovereign over this part of my life and can provide for me?
Could I possibly be throwing away the gift of singleness?
Am I cluttering my life with needless complications and worries of dating?

While we're single, dating not only keeps us from preparing for marriage, but can also quite possibly rob us of the gift of singleness. Dating can tie us down in a series of pseudo relationships, but God wants us to maximize our freedom and flexibility to serve Him. Any season of singleness, whether you're sixteen or fifty-six, is a gift. You just might do God a disservice by wasting its potential on a lifestyle of short-term dating.

~pages 77-80

*

I wish I would have read Joshua's words before I met Heshy. I think my approach to my gift of singlehood would have been entirely different. If I had stopped to consider my single status as a gift from God that would enable me to work on myself, my responsibilities and minister in a way that I would not be able to do once married, I would have been much more fulfilled and happy. Instead, I wasted a lot of time pining and being sad and worried that no one would ever marry me.

Let's create an ethic of seeing singlehood as a gift from God, with every stage of life, including marriage, occurring in its proper season. A time for all things, as King Solomon says, including a time to be single.

White Swan in Combat Boots

2011-05-11T16:37:00.003-04:00

I absolutely love this picture:

It's of Christina Perri in her music video for "Jar of Hearts."

White Swan dress + black combat boots= me.

Lace & heavy metal always go well together. In short, I was always meant to be an Emo Princess; I just missed out on getting to go to a public high school. But this is totally how I would have showed up to the prom. Touch-me fragile, delicate whispery lace and don't-you-dare-mess boots. Because that's who I am. Fragility in steel.

At least that's what my swains always used to tell me; for some reason the metaphors always had something to do with metals of various types, iron or steel being the metal of choice. It probably has something to do with the glitter of sunlight as you pull out the sword to do battle.

Onward we plunge into everlasting duels. God is a difficult opponent but hey, at least He's a worthy one. And all this fencing ought to do well for me one day.

"It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back"

Story of a girl, story of my life, story that's constantly being written. I've gotten up more times than most people have been kicked down. That's the way this world works: you've got to be tough to deal and you've got to be sensitive to care. That's the recipe for being the goddess of awesome. Which, by the way, I am, unapologetically. I've earned it.

Assorted Items of Interest

2011-05-10T11:14:00.003-04:00

1) A courageous and smart girl who grew up in the Hasidic community writes about putting on a hijab for a school production. Read her insightful commentary here. Then watch her perform tomorrow.

2) Happy Yom Ha'atzmaut!

3) I miss blue-and-white donuts. Wish we had them at work.

4) I love the song 'Senses Capture' by Leaves Eyes. (Real music, not acapella- just a heads up).

5) Anyone have anything fun or of interest to share? Any articles I should read? Comment and let me know.

Love in Judaism

2011-05-06T10:29:00.001-04:00

Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach said:

The right yeshiva is a place where there is so much love that it's awesome. G-d gave us Torah with so much love, so if I want to give over the Torah to my children it has to be done in that same way. Rabbi Nachman says that each time vou learn you are bringing the Torah down from heaven. If you teach the Torah with anger, and tell them: "You have to, you have to, you have to" - No. It has to be so deep that they want to. The spiritual depths of the Torah have to be presented.Who (if it's a particular person) or what (if it's an organization) in your experience has presented Judaism to you with the most love?

If Life Gives You

2011-04-28T09:21:00.003-04:00

Stolen from Mickey Singer, based on the popular, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I ask you to create your own "If live gives you" proverb. So please fill in your own: "If live gives you ___, then _________."

Mine, as a shout-out to the Boro Park family, is: "If life gives you apples, make compote."

Alternatively, "If life gives you sorrows, remember that's what made Evanescence great."

The Lady in the Yellow Gown

2011-04-26T23:16:00.004-04:00

One year ago today, I got engaged.

So I figure now is as good a time as any to take stock.

What I've learned over the course of this year is that marriage is hard.

There's an idea within the Orthodox Jewish world (perhaps it is not limited to this group) that after one marries, one ought to expect bonanzas of wedded bliss. Everything will be joyful, covered in flowers and dusted with rose petals.

And they're not wrong on at least two of those accounts. My wedding (and house) sparkles with flowers and the aisle I walked down was certainly dusted with rose petals.

But joy takes work.

Married life requires adjustments. It's stressful. Difficult, frustrating, at times even daunting. It's complicated to live with another person. Despite this, it's also worth it.

L'Chaim and may we be blessed with a lifetime of happiness in return for our hard work.

Hurrah!

Audio Recording - Vote for Me!

2011-04-17T19:34:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

Please vote for me in the Neil Gaiman audio contest! I'd really love to read part of American Gods (as you may know, Neil is one of my favorite authors).

You can vote twice a day.

Thanks so much!

Happy Pesach!

Orthopraxy & Obfuscation of Important Issues

2011-04-13T14:14:00.007-04:00

It seems that the April 6 issue of Ami magazine contained a rather disturbing piece. The article is entitled 'The Impostors Among Us: Internet's Other Danger' and is penned by someone who could not possibly deserve the title journalist, one Rafael Borges.

You can read the article here.

The article's purpose is to discuss the phenomenon of Orthopraxy within the Jewish community. Those who define themselves as Orthoprax are, as the name suggests, those who practice the Orthodox lifestyle. They keep kosher, pray in shul and keep the halakhot. However, they do not share the same beliefs that those who would categorize themselves as Orthodox do. Those who are Orthoprax may, for example, not believe in God, Torah M'Sinai or a variety of other seemingly fundamental Orthodox beliefs.

Leaving aside the fact that Borges could stand to read The Limits of Orthodox Theology by Marc B. Shapiro, the man clearly demonstrates that he does not know the difference between reporting on a topic and writing a highly-opinionated, judgmental editorial piece. Rather than investigating Orthopraxy and offering clear insight into why people choose to belong to this category, he writes an article which is simply a form of blatant fear-mongering. A few of his choice quotes:

-"Sadly, the Gutbergs' can't have that kind of spiritual satisfaction because Aharon is a fraud. While he outwardly pretends to be a God-fearing, observant individual, he is nothing of the kind. He is an apikorus, plain and simple" (49).

-"But there still are intellectual threats posed by apikorsus, and the Internet has become a breeding ground for an ominous rebellion against the eternal truths of the Torah. Infected with the thought processes of secular philosophies, these heretics are among us as yeshiva bochurim and baalei batim, even in the higher ranks of our community."

-"He describes them [the Orthoprax] almost as mentally ill. 'To me, [the disbelief] is a sickness," he says.

-"The idea that an avowed atheist would still be attempting to marry a frum girl is more than unnerving. In addition to the fact that the girl would be marrying someone who has lost all traces of G-dliness, she would also be duped into a relationship established on dishonesty. She would be tied not only to an apikorus, but a fraud."

-"On this point the Charedim have it right; my skepticism was largely fueled by the Internet. The Internet allowed me easy access to all sorts of information that I might not even have thought of looking at otherwise. All the 'heresy' I could imagine was at my fingertips. I remember sitting for long hours surfing the web perusing all the information available, groping around looking for answers but just finding more and more heresy."

-"The Internet allows the Orthoprax to remain hidden and still maintain a support network, attacking the Orthodox world while feeding off it."

The article thus takes as its starting point the idea that anyone who questions Judaism and is not convinced by the 'proofs' there are to offer suffers from something akin to a mental illness. He also assumes that he knows better than God, forgetting the fact that every man is created b'Tzelem Elokim and claiming that the atheist or Orthoprax member is someone who has "lost all traces of G-dliness." He assumes that access to information or knowledge is the cause of the problem and that hiding information from children is the necessary precondition to their belief. In short, in some ways this piece is akin to that famous viral YouTube video "Bed Intruder": "Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband cause they're raping everybody out here." The lyrics have just been changed to "Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband cause they're thinking too much and we don't like what they think."

To demonize a group of people who are already struggling with their belief system, religiosity and theology is cruel. It suggests a total lack of appreciation for the legitimacy and authenticity behind people's struggles. You may disagree with the conclusions that your peers reach but who appointed you to be their God? And to some extent, isn't the fact that the Orthoprax are still connected to the community suggestive, at least in some cases, that their break with belief is not permanent? Perhaps if they could find the grounds, they might return to religion.

At the same time, I do not think it is right to mislead a community or people with whom one is in a relationship. It would be wrong to date a girl who is Orthodox when you are Orthoprax and not tell her. The Orthoprax Rabbi who blogs online is an untrustworthy specimen who betrays his congregants because of his own belief system. Such a man does not deserve to be the head of a congregation. As vile as this article is, it's correct when it talks about specimens like him. But I don't think he's an exemplar of the larger whole. My Orthoprax friends have made difficult decisions to try to accommodate others. Some have broken up with girls they really liked when they realized their philosophies would never accord. Others are concerned with the possibility of Yayin Nesach from their family's point of view and try to take care with this issue. To assume that everyone who is Orthoprax preys upon others is simply untrue.

In the hands of a competent person, this article could have been interesting and informative. It could have tackled issues that those who are Orthoprax consider and look at the reasons they don't believe in God, Torah M'Sinai or have difficulty reconciling Torah and Science. However, that would have taken intelligence and the ability to listen, both of which are in short supply in the self-righteous Charedi world. The frum kiruv presentations are laughable to anyone who actually has studied most of these issues intensively. Real questions deserve real answers. Struggle ought to be acknowledged. And pertinent issues ought not to be obfuscated but rather embraced, the challenge dealt with or at the very least, acknowledged.

I was also disturbed by the end of the article, which informs the concerned reader: "Since the writing of this article, appropriate steps have been taken to protect the public from this posek." This refers to someone who confided in Borges about his Orthopraxy and mentioned if not for the fact that people were looking over his shoulder when he gives psak, "I'm sure I would just be maikel for people if I felt like I wasn't being watched." Clearly, it's not ideal for an Orthoprax person who possibly doesn't believe in God to be acting as a posek for a religious community. On the other hand, the suggestion behind the statement that "appropriate steps were taken" is that this man was outed by the journalist, which is a horrific breach of journalist protocol. It's a bit like a doctor breaking HIPAA, in fact.

It also gives one pause when one considers that known child molesters are still permitted to teach at yeshivot lest we ruin their parnassah. Yet someone with dangerous beliefs will be ousted from his position of giving psak without regard to his parnassah. The double standard is breathtaking, and, I think, heartbreaking.

Hat-Tip: Rabbi Fink (whose piece, incidentally, I don't entirely agree with)

The Cycle of Violence: Power and Control in Relationships

2011-04-13T00:04:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: As always, these notes may contain errors, mistakes or paraphrasing. The speakers were Liana Goldmintz, LMSW, Takanot Project Coordinator and Clinician, Mount Sinai Medical Center Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention (SAVI) Program and Meir Rizel, Director of Men's Education at Shalom Task Force. Rabbi Ezra Schwartz of Mt. Sinai Jewish Center in Washington Heights, where this event was held, made some remarks as well.

~

Ali: Welcome everybody- my name is Ali Hartman; I’m a social worker out of Long Island and more importantly a community member and tonight’s program is inspired by a lot of volunteer work that is done by a lot of women and hopefully some men in our community at Columbia Presbyterian at a program called DOVE- Domestic & Other Violence Emergencies. A few of us started volunteering in the past five years and we were thinking of the importance of the program. If you are a survivor of sexual assault or domestic abuse there are advocates on call rotation of once a month and they basically make sure that the survivor is taken care of from start and finish from the time that they go home hopefully to a safe place. A lot of us are in the mental health profession and we were brainstorming- this is such an important topic and an issue that reaches every community including our own and how can we start engaging our community in an open forum talking about the reallyty of domestic and dating violence in the Jewish community and amongst our peers. We have two very experienced and well educated speakers- Liana Goldmintz who is a graduate of NYU Silber School of Social work- primary coordinator for Mt Sinai SAVI Takanot program. Before that worked with SOVRI Help Line at Beth Israel Medical Center. Specifically for Jewish Orthodox members of the community who have been experiencing abuse. The other is Mr. Meir Rizel who is director of the Shalom Task Force ___- developed curriculum that has been presented at yeshivot and seminaries in New York Area. Shalom Task Force also has a popular program for engaged and newly married couples. Highly experienced and trained speakers.

Opening remarks from Rabbi Schwartz.

Rabbi Ezra Schwartz: Thank you Ali, Miriam for putting this program together. Ali is actually partly wrong- program not only inspired from volunteer work that she does but also the type of community that we have her. I don’t know how many of you saw the Purim videos about our shul but people speak of our shul as the “social shul.” A Good chunk of what we do in the shul is about relationships, young people who Baruch Hashem are getting together, meeting, very often these relationships are positive and wonderful but unfortunately there is an unseemly side, a negative side, sometimes people are in relationships where it’s not good. IT’s not good in terms of emotional violence, in terms of sometimes physical violence; it can be a very uncomfortable experience. We’re having this program tonight; it’s almost Shabbos HaGadol and Dr. Lamm has this very nice idea in his Hagadah- unclear why this shabbos is called Shabbos HaGadol and he notes that unlike all of the other miracles that took place where we went higher but also put the Mitzrim lower, the neis of Shabbos HaGadol of taking the sheep and tying it to bedpost, we elevated ourselves and didn’t have to put others down. Too often people are in relationships where someone is only Gadol because they’re putting the other person down. Too often people don’t have a sense of their own self worth in the absence of judging the other person who they’re with and they put it down. If what we accomplish with tonight’s program is just that people should be aware of some of the warning signs and can recognize it if they are in an abusive relationship. Moreover if what we gain is that people recognize the importance of speaking to others and discussing what is going on in a relationship. If you feel like you’re always being put down by your partner; your partner only makes him or herself feel good because you are always getting the short end of the stick- the physical dimension of course violates halakha. Phsyical abuse comes in many forms and hopefully we’ll be discussing that tonight. Obviously halakha is halakha but sometimes we have to reallyze that sometimes in the relationship one partner will pressure the other for physical benefits of a relationship and sometimes a person acquiesces and agrees to it not because the person wants it. If a relationship is consensual, that’s one thing- that can still be a violation of halakha but if a person is pressured into a relationship that’s something entirely different. My role here tonight is to tell you if you’re in this type of relationship or think you are, please speak it over with others, if you feel I could be helpful, please contact me. Don’t think that there is any issur of lashon harah involved- there isn’t- lashon harah is a red herring; it doesn’t exist in this context. Sometimes people have a feeling that I’m in a relationship and that itself is positive and any relationship is better than no relationship- that’s not true. No issur of lashion harah- certainly if it’s really abuse, no issur of mesirah. We mentioned this last year in a similar program that we’ve had in the shul- contact people and if need be, contact the authorities. It’s not a problem whatsoever and this is said by all the poskim- if someone is clearly abusing, there’s absolutely no issur of mesirah. There’s sometimes pikuach nefesh at state certainly it’s something that’ s important. My role is to introduce the program. We’re very happy that we have some very, very accomplished speakers tonight and I believe that my wife will be giving some closing remarks at the end of the program.

Liana: Thanks so much for coming to a program of this nature. What’s really heartening for me is that there is a forum to talk about this. In our community, because of certain values that we have about marriage, shalom bayis, relationships, dating, sometimes it can be hard to have any type of dialogue. My hope is from this program people will start feeling comfortable to talk to their friends/ rabbanim/ parents about what’s going on. The more you talk about it, the less taboo it is going to be. Very quickly- Meir and I are going to be splitting up the program and what we’re going to be doing is the first half of the program is talking about the negative parts of what might come up in a relationship. What abuse might look like. Meir will talk a bit about the other side.

The reason I bring this up is because we’re going to be talking about relationships on a spectrum- relationships aren’t just healthy or unhealthy but just like any behavior that you have, can fall into a bunch of different parts of the spectrum. Just want to introduce myself and what I do- I’m program coordinator for SAVI (Sexual Assault and Violence Program) and specifically run the Takanot program for Orthodox survivors. There are specific things that come up in the Orthodox community that are unique to the Orthodox community. What abuse looks like and what it might look like in the Orthodox community. Relationships and relationship abuse are part of a larger discussion about relationships- what they look like when they go well and what they look like when not. Imagine a spectrum. There are a lot of behaviors that fall in between.

If you think about a healthy relationship you usually think of someone you can trust 100% all the time- someone where you have a balance of power, someone who is supportive of you. When people think of abuse, they think of something very concrete as well. What comes into people’s minds when they hear the word abuse?

Jeremy: Black Eye
Girl: Control
Woman: Neglect

What you guys kind of cover are the three areas that might define abuse. The first thing that comes to people’s mind is physical abuse- it’s not always the case that abuse is just physical. Abuse can be about control- abuse being about people doing deliberate things to use their power to control someone else.

Definition: Use of physical, verbal or emotional abuse by a person to harm, threaten, intimidate or control another person in a relationship regardless of whether the relationship is continuing or has concluded.

20% of young adults who were polled have experienced some type of relationship abuse- committed relationship or not, boyfriend, girlfriend- no reason to think statistics are different for our community.

People also think we come from upper-middle-class backgrounds, have a lot of education, that doesn’t mean anything. Just because you have means and are educated doesn’t mean you’re immune to it or are not capable of perpetrating it. Before we go into what abuse looks like, there are a couple of general guidelines that are important.

- Not limited to a one-time incident, it occurs as a cycle of abuse over a duration of time, it is a calculated and deliberate pattern of behaviors used to control someone else
- Not limited to one type of abuse (not just physical)
- Abusive relationships generally escalate in severity over time, becoming more and more severe and dangerous
- Not gender specific

Not just one bad argument. There is a cycle. There’s a cycle where there is tension building; you feel that things are not going so well but I know if something happens over the next few days that’s really bad, everything will unleash. Whatever it is it happens and then there’s phase – honeymoon phase after things are trying to get mended in a certain sense. But then it comes back into a circle. You know you’re in an abusive relationship when you feel like this happens over and over and over again. That’s not to say that one particular incident happens that it’s excusable. If it’s something that obviously is of harm to a person- no one has a right to physically hurt someone or put someone down in a way that makes them feel bad. But when we are talking about abuse and a cycle it’s something that happens continually.

Abuse isn’t just physical. If you take a look at your handout- The Power and Control Wheel- what you’re going to see are on the spokes of the wheel are different tactics that people use to gain power and control over someone else- Exclusion, Using Physical Violence, Using Harmful Language, Using Social Standing, Using Technology, Using Intimidation, Minimizing, Denying or Blaming, Using Threats, Sexual Coercion, Harassment or Assault. Very often people feel that if I only have one of these or not any of these but I feel really bad about this relationship, then I must be okay. Not necessarily true- a relationship should always feel comfortable and you shouldn’t feel manipulated to be doing something that you don’t want to be doing.

Do any of these examples come out at you as something you can relate to? Let’s talk about verbal and emotional abuse- on this wheel it’s called ‘Harmful Language.’ Let’s talk about humiliating someone. Very often sitting at a Shabbos table, whether I’m with regular people or whether I’m with people that I know or don’t know, you’ll see someone humiliating someone else and everyone laughs and they think it’s funny. There’s this joker who says ‘You’re always like this etc.’ Humiliating someone even if it is a joke- that’s not okay and that is a tactic that is often used to put someone down. I have a couple of quotes here that were powerful to me-

“He would never directly insult me- it was always more about not letting me feel good about myself.”

“If I would start singing in the car, he would start yelling at me- Don’t Sing. And that was who I was- I loved singing- he wouldn’t let me do it, so I stopped.” That might seem benign in a certain sense but that’s a way that someone can use their power to make someone feel very bad about themselves.

Minimizing and Blaming- part of the dynamics of the abusive relationship is this person creates this world where the other person who is being abused feels that there is no other way. This is the only way for them to exist/ to live because of the situation this other person has put them in. Very often what ends up happening is to make the person feel trapped emotionally they will end up being blamed- what it might look like would be for example that you are in a car accident and you call your partner and when you tell him, he doesn’t say “are you okay? How are you?’ they say, “Well, was it your fault?” Well that’s something that makes someone feel – I am worth nothing. It’s this general pattern of what this person is trying to do. Making their partner feel like they are worth nothing and have nothing but the relationship.

We have a lot of domestic violence cases but mostly we have a lot of sexual assault and sexual abuse cases. We’ve been getting a lot of phone calls and cases about people concerned about what happens on dates. What we’ve been hearing is that sometimes people will be on dates and there will be- could be a first, fifth date or in a committed relationship- and it’s very clear what the other wants in terms of shomer negiah. They’ve had a conversation about it and the person knows what their limits are and we’ve been hearing about cases where a person will say, I know we had this conversation but we’re kind of in the moment and it feels right so come on, let’s just do whatever. The person feels compelled to do it. Or is in a different situation where you’re in the car and someone reaches over and accidentally brushes you and it feels uncomfortable to you but you feel like this person is a really great guy so why would I do anything- that feels shameful they figure I’m totally misinterpreting what is going on here. It can be really hard to talk to someone about it- to even process and talk to yourself about it. Very often what we hear happening is that if in a committed relationship- whether you are keeping halakha in terms of negiah or not, if you’ve had a conversation about it and then the person decides that they are not going to respect that, that’s not okay. There’s nothing okay about being coerced into doing something that’s not okay with you whether or not you have done it before. Sometimes in terms of Threats & Coercion we’ll see that people will say to their partner, well if you don’t do this I’m going to tell people about what we did before. That can be really scary because it wasn’t necessarily something you wanted to do before and it can feel like I’m going to be outed if I don’t do this now. You see someone using their power to get something out of the other person.

There’s a lot of overlap in the tactics that are used to manipulate a relationship, to gain power and control over another person- Isolation & Exclusion. Again, in an abusive relationship the abuser wants the person who is being abused to have nothing because they want them to have no options in terms of getting out of the relationship. Might look like a friend who starts dating someone and they don’t answer your phone calls to hang out- their boyfriend/ girlfriend calls them and their face changes and they say “I have to go” really quickly. Sometimes there’s a lot of jealousy about where the other person is spending their time. “I miss you so much- I can’t believe you’re hanging out with someone else- I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity.” And you might want to be doing something else but they feel compelled to be pulled back into the relationship.

I’ve haerd a lot of stories about how gender roles, specifically in the Jewish community, is used to perpetuate controlling behaviors. For example, generally a lot of people will have this notion of the woman cooks for Shabbos. I’ve heard stories of women who didn’t have time to cook for Shabbos, ended up going to their local take-out place, the husband comes home and says “Where’s my Friday night chicken?” Difference between saying, “I noticed that you didn’t cook Shabbos this week- what happened?” vs “How come it’s not here? Why would you not make it for me? Why would you think that I would be okay with it?” Making a lot of assumptions. Using a gender role to perpetuate abuse.

Economic Abuse in the Jewish community- an allowance for Shabbat where in the relationship one of the partners has all the control of the money (seen this with males and females) and they dole out money based on how good their partner has been to them. So when their partner has done something bad they punish them by not giving them money to go on the train or cook for Shabbos. That’s an example more based in a marriage because usually dating relationships don’t involve shared money. But the idea of “if you are bad, I won’t give you this privilege” is very prevalent in an abusive relationship.

Relationships are on a spectrum and not every behavior that might seem not-okay is considered abuse. The question may become: Where do I go with this? How do I assess what I might want in a future relationship, what I want from a current relationship? It can be very important sometimes to take some time and check in with yourself, your partner and your friends. What are your values? What do you want out of a relationship? What do you expect? If you’re in a relationship at the moment asking yourself questions to assess where you are in terms of all the things I just spoke about. How does the person make me feel- how does the conversation go if we talk about issues that matter? Are things I say respected by the other person? Or do I say that I feel like every time I bring something up the other person is putting me down right away- there’s no room for my opinions?

In terms of halakhic observance, are you being told what to do by your partner? Are your opinions dismissed or devalued? Is it a discussion? Or does it sound something like, “My way or the highway?” (No room for other opinions) I’ve heard stories of a couple discussing how the girl is dressed and the girl saying that she wants to work on tznius and instead of the guy asking about it, he says “Yeah, I noticed- you really should be working on that. I don’t think I can be going out with you otherwise.” That’s not the way to respond- you’re using your words to make someone feel bad.

What does it look like when we disagree? When we don’t see eye to eye, what does it look like? What does it look like when my partner is angry? Is it scary to me? Is it something I feel like I can’t handle? Is it a display of emotion- we get over it and it’s not such a big deal?

The last question is: How does your partner treat their family? In our community, sometimes can go really quickly. When dating goes really quickly, you’re very often in the honeymoon stage where everyone is on their best behavior and it can be hard to see how a person really reacts because things are going really quickly. With a person’s family, you can see how they handle frustration, arguments, when something doesn’t go well- good way to gauge this person’s temperament, how they handle themselves.

Red Flags

- Afraid to bring a certain topic up with your partner or disagree with your partner because of what might happen
- Feeling like you are walking on eggshells
- Feel like you an’t do anything right for your partner
- Two extreme sides to personality- so kind/ so cruel
- Unreallystic expectations about what a relationship entails
- Rush into marriage (Expecting you to have certain feelings/ trying to convince you that you have certain feelings)
- Contradictions in religious observance to serve one’s needs (what can I get from being more religious, what can I get from being less religious)

Do you feel like you constantly have to please your partner at all times because if not, there will be a huge blowup? Feel like you can never please your partner? Sometimes in terms of halakhic observance someone flip-flops – show themselves as being halakhic in this way because it benefits them but in private they are not really like that. The situation really mostly comes down to how can I manipulate the situation to get what I want or need out of this situation.

We’ve spoken a lot about abuse and what abuse might look like in terms of examples and dwhat the dynamics are.

Why Individuals Have Difficult Leaving an Abusive Relationship

- Fear of harm to victim and loved ones- and sometimes abuser (threats of suicide)
- Love for abuser, hope for change, self-blame, fear of unknown, guilt
- Possible loss of income, loss of life style, social status (loss of perception of perfection/ shalom bayit, status as a “married” or fear of having to be single again)
- Afraid to tell family and friends- judgment, shame
- Fear that nobody will believe or understand

If your friend is in an abusive relationship, abuser is probably using a lot of tactics to create fear. Person probably doesn’t have a lot of friends because abuser has isolated them, also not a lot of money and are worried about what might happen if they end the relationship. Relationships can hold a lot of value to a person aside from the actual value of the relationship. In a marriage, there’s a monetary and social status component. Very often in our community the perception that a relationship is perfect is the highest thing that you could achieve. The thought of losing that perception can be so overwhelming and scary and fearful to a person. As a person who is engaged and planning a wedding, the fear of having to go through dating again. What will it mean if I don’t have this relationship? Aside from all of the other things that a relationship has, there are other components attached to it. In an abusive relationship, it’s very likely that the abused person loves the abuser. Just because it’s abusive doesn’t mean there is no love or no connection. There is also a lot of shame associated with it because the abuser sometimes uses tactics of shame.

“If only you hadn’t burned the chicken, I wouldn’t have had to berate you/ beat you.” So the person thinks I am in a bad relationship but half of it is my fault. They really do feel like part of it is theirs and they are too ashamed to admit it.

The last piece that I want to talk about is what to do if you know of a friend who is in a situation like this.

-Listen carefully, find a private place to talk and create a supportive environment for your friend
- Use open ended questions, avoid asking questions that answer with “yes” or “no”
-Encourage your friend to open up gently, but be understanding if the person is not ready to speak about it
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk now, but I want you to know that I’m here when you do want to talk”
-Be specific about instances that have you worried and say why you are worried
-Be understanding, not judgmental, never blame the victim for the abuser’s behavior

Your role is to be supportive, not telling them what to do. Ask them questions about the relationship and take their lead. See where they are going with it. See where they feel comfortable going. For them to talk to you is hugely brave. Be prepared for a person not to want to go down a certain road. When they are ready to go down that road, tell them you’ll be there to listen and support them. If they are open to asking your opinion, then be specific about what part of the relationship feels wrong to you. “I’m really happy that you guys are dating but this thing specifically makes me concerned- what do you think about it?” Let them express how they feel about it. Let that be the opener. The most important thing is not to be judgemental and not to blame because the person is already judging themselves. Very likely they feel like it is their fault and to perpetuate that will make them feel like it’s their fault; there’s nothing that I can do about it.

Try to listen more than talk. Their time to use you as a support system. The more that you give them a feeling that you’re supportive, the more they will want to come out to you. The more space that you give them to be themselves, have a space to talk about their feelings- they will want to come back to you more quickly. If it is a situation that you can’t handle on your own, don’t be afraid to go to experts meaning SAVI, Shalom Task Force, a Rav. There are a lot of people who know about and are trained in these issues. I am going to end my piece here and I give the floor over to Meir.

Meir: I just need to set things up- give me a moment, please. Good evening, everybody. To reintroduce myself briefly I’m director of men’s education for Shalom task Force and also deputy director of program for engaged and married couples at Shalom Task Force. At this point we have serviced nearly 600 couples. Have to thank Rabbi Erich Goldman for his high level of involvement and his lending his expertise to us. I want to thank in abstentia my wife considering that at this point it’s approximately T-144 hours till the first Seder which we are hosting for the first time this year, if it wasn’t for her allowance and pushing me to be her, I would not be here. We actually co-lecture a lot and get to model a lot of positive marital behaviors that way. This is just another. Liana dealt with more prominently the unhealthy/ abusive/ dysfunctional side of relationships. I try to steer clear of that- I deal with the healthy relationship side.

I have to thank many of you here- as a man in the field of Domestic Violence I’m very accustomed to being the one man in the room. Thank you to men here in the room so I’m not lonely. Back to the rest of the presentation, I’m going to start off with a bit of a timely example- I’m much more accustomed to doing workshop style with a give-and-take so if you want to ask questions, please raise your hand.

I recently heard someone talking about the great disservice that those who make Haggadot do to the community. If I were to ask someone what a domestic abuser looks like, how would you describe him or her?

Guy: An 80 year old Holocaust survivor who doesn’t want to give his wife a get

If you look at the pictures of the four sons by the Haggadah, you have the Chacham who looks all sweet, nice, bland and genteel. Then you have the Rasha whose got the fight in his face and Tam and She’iano Yodea Lishol look nice. Really the picture should be the same for all four. Really hard dto deterimen what a domestic abuser looks like. Someone can be very involved in shul and then come home and be completely different.

I’m pretty involved with working with victims of sexual molestation and violence. A victim who is prominent asked me for help years back and since then it was in the news. The role of the bystander and community in responding to accusations of violence or things of that nature- this person/ perpetrator happened to be in the field of Chinuch and I spoke to a long-time student of his and the student said it can’t be true. I know him for years, for decades; he’s helped me out in so many ways. It’s just not possible. All those people are lying- they’re making it up. At which point, to be slightly graphic I asksed this individual- did this rebbe ever share with you the details of his intimate life with his wife? He looked at me with a blank stare- “Uh, I guess not.” So I asked him- Why is it that he would then share this piece of his life with you? And of course he had no answer.

I’m going to share a clip with you guys that I have to warn you in advance that it’s disturbing, not as disturbing as it can be but I think it’s very telling.

“Tea Party” Generic End 7-14-2006 name of clip. (Has kids pretending to have a tea party and fighting with harsh words- girl spilled the tea and brother yells at her that she can’t do anything right so shut up, suggestion is kids learn domestic violence from their parents)

I’ll relate it to the discussion in that I got a call last week about a highly volatile marital couple. This couple’s in really bad shape – but are not likely to seek out counseling or therapy. The person calling was trying to figure out what might they do to get that couple into therapy which they desperately need. In talking to this person, ultimately what they really concluded is this couple has children. Maybe we can frame it as something to benefit the kids in the family and that might make this couple more apt to get the help for the family and then ultimately work as the couple proper.

Why is that? Any thoughts? It’s a little bit more removed when it’s not us and it’s the kids. We get less defensive, more inclined to go for the help. As this relates to the field of domestic violence, one of the common reasons that people stay in those relationships is for the kids. That’s a very common thing. I was involved in a case where the woman has ten kids, the youngest will be married in 12 years and her plan is to sacrifice herself for 12 years because of the shanda factor, the way it will be bad for the children’s shidduchim.

Heatherington and McCallam at Stanford did a study where the primary cause of difficulty in children of divorced homes is continued marital hostility and not divorce itself. So the best case scenario is for a couple to divorce and co-parent in a menschlich way and those kids have shown that they do well.

Relating it back to a domestic abuse couple, having this piece of information- you shouldn’t go after them and say this is bad for your kids- Heatherington and McCallam, this study- it’s something to ease into and talk to the person who is the victim of abuse. Not forcing their hand because that mimics the abuser. Instead, couch it in terms of I am concerned about … I’m here for you. An essential point is also to say that there are no strings attached because as helpers it’s very common to really get emotionally involved and say “How can you stay in this relationship? It’s horrible- don’t you see what it’s doing to your family?” Not uncommon for someone who is a friend to say if you are not going to leave him, I just can’t deal with this anymore. And if you want me to continue to deal with you, I’m going to leave. This is what happens sometimes with those who don’t deal with this on an everyday basis.

As a man who works with a domestic violence organization, there is certain flak that I get. There’s a guy in shul who is a fan of making domestic violence jokes- if your kids are set up with his, just call me and we’ll talk about it. I wanted to ask him if he has anything good on molestation. As men, we also have the right to advocate for rights of all victims- not just female, not just male and to stand up to someone who might make those jokes. For those of you who work with teenagers, fantastic website ThatsNotCool.com which deals with issues of violence in a dating prism.

Liana focused on power/ control wheel. There is its partner- the Respect/ Equality Wheel. I’m just going to use three terms- Equality, Respect and Dignity. As a starting point for a healthy relationship, when there is equality, respect and dignity the other stuff just doesn’t fit. I’ll shift into the healthy relationship side now.

To share a personal story, I work in this field; my wife is also a clinician. I like to think our marriage is on the quality/ respect side of things. My 6-year-old son around a month ago said to my wife, “Mommy, why does everyone say that the Abba’s the boss in the family?” Not that she’s the sole boss but we have two bosses in our home and we work together. To show how difficult it is to go against the cultural mores and standards. A little while later my 4-year-old daughter came to me and said, “Abba, mommy and I are the pretty ones and you and Sruli are the smart ones.” I kind of cringed because that’s really not the value that we are teaching in our home- we can do what we can in the home front but once they are out there in the big world…

I want to talk about my role as Deputy Director of Shalom Workshop- it was originally designed for engaged couples; we’ve expanded it to working for newly married couples and veteran married couples. Approximately 600 couples have participated and I just want to share that there was a leading marriage therapist in the greater New York area that noticed a strange phenomenon in her practice. Over a period of 6-8 months she had a handful of couples come in to deal with relatively small issues- were there for 2 or 3 sessions. This therapist thought- this is really strange. It’s atypical for couples to come in so soon. She discovered all those cuples participated in the Shalom Workshop. By the way, the workshop is not just for troubled couples but all couples.

Dr. Shalom (John?) Gottman cites something called the delay effect which is for the population at large and it refers to the amount of time that the average couple waits before going to therapy. That period of time is 6 years. Average time that the average couple waits before going to help. Anyone know what happens at year 7? There’s this joked-about phenomenon called the 7-year-Itch which is actually statistically based which is that at the seven-year-marker there’s a spike in dissatisfaction. The acrimony, animosity, deep-rooted hostility is so deep seated so they go for therapy to say they did and kind of clear their conscience and then get divorced.

As a community, friends, clinicians, rabbanim to de-stigmatize the idea of going for help. I think that is what was born out of the Shalom Workshop. Until I’ve been married, I’ve never been married so it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. At this point in time, the divorce rate in frum community has become so commonplace it is almost a norm. If that can be a norm, then going for help before it’s needed –just ideas and tips- should also become a norm.

Moving on there’s a handout that you guys received about what to look for in a spouse- it’s pretty straightforward so I don’t want to spend time reading it with you. Equality, respect and dignity piece essentially is there- underlying principles. As far as a healthy marriage relationship: does a healthy marriage relationship include conflict? Yes. To what level? What would you say is the average- what arguments do they have over and over again?

Dr. Gottman basically is that he has empirical data, longitudinal data (studied over decades) 70% of the conflict is perpetual. 70% of the arguments/ disagreements that they have will be there for the life of their marriage and that is in healthy couples. He saw couples at Year 1 marker and they had certain conflict in his therapy room and you’d look at them ten years later, clothing changed, couple wrinkles and are having the same exact argument. What that really points to is that within the dating serious relationships or marriage relationship there can be temperamental differences, one is quick to do things and the other is slower. Your house will get cleaned for Pesach but the other might find the stand for the Ping-Pong table outside and bring it back in and as long as you’re cool with that, it’s fine.

Shift from idea of conflict resolution- people talk about good communicators and good conflict resolution- to managing the conflict. There is a very telling. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is Dr. Gottman’s primer. Leading marriage therapist Dr. Dan Wyle and I’m changing the name. “Pinny married Aliza and Aliza gets loud at the shul Kiddush and Pinny, who is shy, hates that. But if Pinny had married Shira, they’d have gotten into a fight before they even got to the shul Kiddush. Shira hates to be kept waiting and Pinny is always late so they’d fight. If Pinny had married Gila they wouldn’t even have gone to the shul Kiddush because they would still be upset because Pinny doesn’t help with the housework which makes her feel abandoned while he feels dominated.”

So it’s about working through and managing those perpetual conflicts.

As far as predictors of divorce, this is what Dr. Gottman has determined within his work-

1) Harsh Start-Up: Have you ever been in a situation where someone’s turned to you and said angrily/ loudly “What’s wrong with you?” to which you respond by saying “What is wrong with me? Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity for true introspection” and take a pause and think what is wrong with me. Do you think that will happen? Probably not. Harsh Start-Up is when a spouse/ partner/ date has a legitimate concern and they feel very strongly about it and start out this way.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

1) Criticism- couples where criticism plays a real primary role. Antidote to criticism is complain, don’t blame. That gets into “I” language stuff.

2) Defensiveness- the way that manifests with a couple is that one of the individuals can theoretically have a real gripe and instead of taking responsibility sounds whiny which feeds into the cycle and the person who complained feels totally invalidated. So taking even partial responsibility is helpful. When working with a couple in the therapy room, find your 5%- if it seems that one spouse is totally wrong and the other is totally right, chances are you’re not really looking at the situation clearly and realistically. What is the 5%- what is my role in this problem dynamic?

3) Contempt- that’s the couple at the six-year mark where the hostility is built in and the antidote to that is to build a culture of appreciation. (Exercise for this called building fondness and admiration. Have the couple sit down, whole list of nice words and they should each select three to use as a characteristic to describe their spouse. Then relate an incident in which they first saw that and that brings the couple back. Another part of the failed couple is the bad memories. What was it that first drew you to each other- working with a couple that has real hostility in need of a lot of work or beyond repair a very common response is I think someone introduced us but they lose sight of what it was.) I’ll share a personal story with permission (his wife is in the audience)- on our first date, 8+ years ago before we broke up and then got back together and married we had a nice time and ended up in a pool hall. I was really hungry but I also wanted to shoot pool. The pool meant more to me than going out to eat. But when I’m hungry, I can get a little cranky so I was getting a little cranky and she said to me- let’s just finish the game and get something to eat it. And I said- but we’re shooting pool; I can’t just leave in the middle of the game. What happens next? This tough chick takes her cue and shoots for the eight-ball. After my initial shock I tried to continue the game and she missed but I had rachmanus and we got something to eat. But the idea is- looking back to the stories that resonate with you- what is it about your spouse that drew you to each other?

4) Stonewalling is the idea in which one individual (in 85% of couples it’s the male for physiological and cultural reasons) in which feel attacked and kind of tune-out. We retreat to our man-cave and we’re there but not present. The idea with stonewalling- the antidote is to do physiological self-soothing. When we’re in a conflict situation, we can get worked up. Importance of taking a time-out which is one method of doing physiological self-soothing. Common advice “Never go to bed angry”- I have to say that’s probably the worst piece of advice I’ve ever heard because it basically invalidates the physiological really. Means we’ll try to talk this out and it’s likely related to a perpetual problem- who here is happy and cheery at 3AM? If you’re still trying to work this out then, you’re probably just going to make the fight worse. Let’s take a time out- not avoiding the problem but trying to make this work.

There’s another book by Rabbi Dr. Twersky – ‘The Shame Borne in Silence’ which was not published by Feldheim or Artscroll. Another book – ‘When Men Better Women’ by Dr. Gottman. Victims of abuse are male and female. Historically speaking, victims of battering are women. There’s a disturbing phenomenon in certain communities where couples are very often two-salary homes – disturbing pattern in which women in those communities have become more of the primary physical abuser as well. Additionally, when it comes to victims of emotional abuse, that’s really on both sides of the fence. Men in the room can stand up to perpetrators and for victims whether male or female and promote the idea of working on relationships and having great marriages.

Question: What’s the return rate in frum community of women who go back to their abusers?

Meir: Hard to say as far as real data within the frum community specifically. Even in secular audience if we’d ask who here is in an abusive relationship hands don’t really go up. Your question is what is the return rate of women who leave and then go back? Frequently this happens- it’s hard to say because as Liana mentioned, the data shows that 75% of women who are murdered by their significant others are murdered in that period of time after they leave. That in itself is really scary and part of the puzzle of this very complicated issue that will cause people to go back because on some level I’m alive.

Ali: On average, 7-time return rate. In frum community, 10-13 times because there is the family to work about, stigma that was spoken about tonight, pull of community and family that women and men feel very attached to, feel guilty about taking care of themselves vs. their spouse.

Liana: It takes a frum couple longer than a regular secular couple to even address the issue- whether with a partner, yourself or in therapy. There is a higher return rate but it is also happening later on in the relationship so at that point the abuse is already severe. Abuse usually escalates in severity as time goes on.

Jeremy: Within the Orthodox community, do we think there are things about individuals’ personalities that do not come to light until they are married and living together?

Liana: In my experience, at least in the clinical piece of work that we do, we get a lot of couples who are newly married who have had an abuse history or who have had issues early on in their relationship and because they’ve had a very short dating courtship piece, they’re still in their honeymoon stage when they’ve actually gotten to be married. Living with someone is very different than being in a relationship with someone- there will be a lot more conflict when that happens. Conflict is not necessarily a negative thing always, though.

Meir: Your question is in contradistinction to secular couples is there something that happens with frum couples?

Jeremy: Right, because courtship is shorter and also don’t engage in sexual activity/ living together?

Meir: Something we definitely have to be aware of and guard against- friends setting up friends- idea and thought that the person setting you up knows the individual or they try to research. Important to note within the domestic abuse realm, certain factors that distinguish domestic abusers from someone who has an anger issue is that this power and control issue occurs in the domestic sphere but when talking to Rav or boss they control it.

Ali: It’s no different than the general population. Really being in touch with what you’re hearing or listening to- things we just ignore a lot of the times – some of us are on the older end of what is considered approaching marriageable age. At the same time, really not being pressured to be in a relationship just because told you need to be married at a certain point.

Rachel: First question is – let’s say you know theoretically about a guy who was abusive to a friend of yours- thank God they break up. You hear two years later he’s dating someone who is not a friend of yours. What is your responsibility if you have any responsibility to tell them – we like to think people can change but then again, what would happen if abuse later?

Second question- power and control when it comes to halakhic decisions for your spouse and it’s very socially accepted to hear someone say he will make sure his wife covers X amount of hair. Sometimes in that domain it gets very complicated in terms of whose decision is what- what do you think is a way to work on that whether us trying to set up our friends/ trying to make that a little bit about your spouse’s jurisdiction?

Liana: I’ll take the second question first. When you talk about a couple making a decision, it’s about how you get to that decision. If you’re approached by someone who says this guy only wants a girl like that, hopefully that will be transmitted to the girl and she can decide to agree or disagree. If you’re talking about a girl already in a relationship and they have not spoken about it yet- let’s say keeping Chalav Yisrael in your house is part of it. Girl says my parents don’t keep it and I want to make sure they feel comfortable coming here- her point of view is she doesn’t want it. The other person’s point of view is that he really wants it. It’s about how that decision is come to be made. Whether there is respect between the two people. It sounds to me you’re asking more societally how we can do anything? I think that your question is well received in the dating world – my first impression, though is that it’s okay if it is used in terms of a screening process. Let’s make sure we are on the same page. But if it becomes something where I need this and I need that and they are starting to be in a relationship where this person keeps on saying that vs. what the couple wants together, then that is a separate situation.

Meir: Want to add a few points there. When individuals are not engaged or dating and hear about someone else that he/ she wants this that is the point when choice is really made. At that point, I am electing to pursue this or not to pursue this. Something that separates abusers from others is that they don’t recognize the humanity of their spouse or of the other. If they live in Tucson, Arizona and it’s 105 degrees outside and his wife is pregnant and not feeling well and he’s saying you’d better wear your tights- that’s a problem. Have to recognize that we are humans and we will perhaps struggle with certain elements of religiosity. Before we lived that lifestyle, perhaps. The choices are made and then it’s really the recognition of humanity of the spouse- ability to be fallible. Who here went dating and said to someone I am looking for someone who is really needy? My ideal spouse is really needy and that’s what I’m looking for. But to reframe that, what about a spouse who is in need- can I as a spouse or look for a spouse who can be vulnerable in our relationship? Sue Johnson after Dr. Gottman is probably the leading marriage therapist- gets heavily into the idea of being vulnerable in a relationship.

Rebbetzin Schwartz: I’m going to punt on that first question a little bit. Will tell you a story from earlier this evening. I was teaching an AP Us History crash course tonight. When you’re at the Cold War and you need to be at Reagan, you need to talk about it and get to Eisenhower. So I mentioned to my students that I’m leaving right from there to here so she asked me, “Oh, what’s your expertise on the topic of spousal abuse/ marital abuse?” So I said nothing at all- I’m not there to offer expert abuse. Sounds like the kind of question whose job it is to offer expert abuse. My gut instinct is I wouldn’t have so much faith in the human capacity for change. Complicated- effective way of talking to the person. I think get involved but how to get involved is to turn to the experts which I am not.

There’s been a lot of psychological studies about the phenomenon of bullying at school. Two people in bullying relationship it’s commonly thought but actually there are three people- the bully, victim and the bystanders. The really important thing is what the bystanders do, don’t do, convey by their laughter, acceptance etc. To the extent that I have a role here, it is speaking to the broader culture of the community- neither the abusers or the victims per se but the broader culture of the community. Most of us would have heard a racist joke at Shabbos table we’d gape at them in horrified silence, so the sort of laugh that’s acceptable when people make domestic violence jokes is a problem.

I remember as a kid that we went to a seamstress who worked out of her home and had a boyfriend or husband who was a scary kind of character. I remember very clearly it made a very great impression on me as a kid that my mother asked us to leave and spoke to the seamstress. I think it made such a big impression on me because this was a woman from a different social status/ ethnic background. It would have been easy to write it off. Was also a while ago, awareness not as developed but my mother was not willing to be a bystander. My role is to encourage all of us to shape a community where we are not passive bystanders and to respond to it.

There’s one other thing I want to raise- I did a Motzei Shabbos gathering with young married women of the community to talk about issues in their lives. After that some unmarried women came to talk to me about it. One of the issues that came up to put out there is particularly related to is pressure in relationships around sexual activity before marriage and shomer negiah. Certainly are people in the contemporary Modern Orthodox community may find themselves in a differet place dealing with those issues/ halakhot than the place they were in before and because that might create a sense of guilt/ shame around their own behaviors they may therefore be more open to manipulation/ abuse. Requires acknowledging publicly or at least to the person you’re speaking with is I shifted enough to do X but then I was uncomfortable doing Y. Extra layer that comes in which is layer of single adults who are perhaps shifting their religious position and then layering on to that the problem of abuse in relationships. I think we need to learn to discuss this specifically with women in the communities.

Question: Everyone on the panel has gone to great pains to talk about men vs women but also women vs men but by my unofficial count, 18 cases given, 4 were gender-neutral, 1 was man on man and the other 13 was man abusing women. It just seems like they’re paying a lot of lip service to the idea that it’s equal yet not one case presented in the past two hours or so of a woman abusing a man.

Meir: If I had more time, I would have talked about a lot more. Case I was involved in with dating couple sexually involved where she faked a pregnancy to keep him in the relationship. One of the few instances in which a woman can sexually abuse a man.

Girl: And in a married relationship, woman can actually get pregnant.

Liana: Saying you’re on birth control but really you’re not.

Meir: Another case I worked on was when a man was not allowed to speak to his mother under their roof. (Even on the phone.) Another case- when I was talking about phenomenon in which abusers don’t allow for humanity of their spouses, classic thing that happens is when guy would forget general things, bone-tired and forgot the milk or something. His spouse would make that into World War 3- he would have to sit in a chair and be berated for two hours at a time about how can he do that? How can he do such a horrible thing? Doesn’t he love her? Classically speaking, certainly in the population at large we’ll hear about females as victims, especially in battering realm. Women as breadwinners unfortunately sometimes feel they have bought the right to beat their husbands. There are women using bats against their husbands. I was speaking to someone who was trained during feminist movement-leading-to-domestic violence ~ gut reaction when they hear woman beating husband with a bat is ‘he must have done something really bad to deserve that.’ I appreciate your bringing that up.

Ali: Want to thank everybody for coming- please fill out evaluations. If you want to pass those questions up to Miriam or myself we’ll relate them to Meir or Liana- they can contact you via email if you write your email on the index cards.

Cultic Prostitutes & The Temple

2011-04-09T21:09:00.003-04:00

My husband Heshy was learning Tanakh and came across an interesting verse in 2 Kings 23: 7. The verse referenced 'quedeshim.' The Artscroll translation of the verse read as follows: "He demolished the rooms of the idolators that were in the Temple of Hashem, where the women would weave curtains for the Asherah."

Hmm, thought Heshy, it's odd that quedeshim has been translated as meaning idolators. It seems more likely that it should mean prostitutes. In that case, perhaps the cultic temple prostitution rites that I'm learning about in the Ancient Near East actually did exist at some point in the time of the Temple.

At this point, we decided to go on a search for various verses that seemed to contain the word. Here's what we found:

1. When Judah sleeps with Tamar, he comes back and questions (Genesis 38: 21) וַיִּשְׁאַל אֶת-אַנְשֵׁי מְקֹמָהּ, לֵאמֹר, אַיֵּה הַקְּדֵשָׁה הִוא בָעֵינַיִם, עַל-הַדָּרֶךְ; וַיֹּאמְרוּ, לֹא-הָיְתָה בָזֶה קְדֵשָׁה. - namely, "Where is the harlot that was here?"

2. 1 Kings 14:24 - וְגַם-קָדֵשׁ, הָיָה בָאָרֶץ: עָשׂוּ, כְּכֹל הַתּוֹעֲבֹת הַגּוֹיִם, אֲשֶׁר הוֹרִישׁ יְהוָה, מִפְּנֵי בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל.

3. 1 Kings 15: 12- (Regarding Asa doing what was right in the eyes of God) וַיַּעֲבֵר הַקְּדֵשִׁים, מִן-הָאָרֶץ; וַיָּסַר, אֶת-כָּל-הַגִּלֻּלִים, אֲשֶׁר עָשׂוּ, אֲבֹתָיו

4. 1 Kings 22: 47- (Regarding Jehosaphat removing them) וְיֶתֶר, הַקָּדֵשׁ, אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁאַר, בִּימֵי אָסָא אָבִיו--בִּעֵר, מִן-הָאָרֶץ

It certainly seems, from all these verses, that quedeshim could take the meaning 'cultic prostitutes.' But we decided to check Chazal to see what we could find. And indeed:

Ibn Ezra writes to Deuteronomy 23:18:

ואמר אליהוא וחיתם בקדשים (איוב לו, יד), כי נפשם כנגד חיתם, והנה קדשים כנגד נוער. וכתוב וגם קדש היה בארץ (מ"א יד, כד), בתי הקדשים (מ"ב כג, ז), ושם כתוב אשר הנשים אורגות שם (שם). ואני לא אבין טעם הקדשה. וכאשר נחפשה היטב טעם המלה, אז היא ידועה שהיא מזומנה לכל עובר ושב. והעד: איה הקדשה (ברא' לח, כא). אם כן יהיה קדש כמעשה המצרים. והמבין יבין. ובעבור קדשה (יח) נסמכה פרשת אתנן (יט) זונה:

Malbim says explicitly on 2 Kings 23: 7 (our verse):

(ז) ויתץ את בתי הקדשים . ששם היו נשים מיוחדות לזנות ולארוג בתים ויריעות לכסות האשרה:

Metzudas David, in contrast, is gentler:

בתי הקדשים - העשויים לשבת בהן המיוחדים לעבודת האשרה:

Rashi himself says:

בתי הקדשים - בתי הזמה:

Thus it seems very clear that indeed there were cultic prostitutes in the time of the Temple and it's fascinating to see that they actually practiced their prostitution within the very Temple!

Less importantly (but still of interest), I owe Dan Brown an apology. He's still inaccurate in that this wasn't a Jewish prostitution ritual, but rather one devotees of the Asherah engaged in. He was right, however, that it took place in the Temple.

So in short: how cool is Tanakh? Yay Ancient Near East and Comps studying and yay Heshy questions. Huzzah.

Bury It

2011-04-08T12:59:00.002-04:00

Life is an exercise
in burial.

We bury memories.
Thoughts.
Feelings.

I fight each day
to keep them buried.

But like volcanoes, sometimes eruptions
can't be contained.
And the lava slides down the outside of my skin
in the form of hot sticky tears.

Molten.

Burial is frantic.
I'm burying ghosts.
Burying the undead.

When we play on the beach,
I ask my friends
to cover me with sand.

Dust to dust.
Ashes to ashes.
Your progeny will be as many
as the stars in the sky.
And you'll lie in the sand
trying not to cry.

I am attempting
a frantic burial.
I am failing.

The Megillah

2011-04-07T15:59:00.002-04:00

So back in the day, I used to be an Editor.

Then I graduated college and I wasn't an editor any longer. I did manage to write for Jewish Action, Ignite, the NCSY website and lots of fun OU things, though.

But then I decided, hell, why not be an Editor again.

Enjoy.

The Troubling Tale of Tamiflu & Traitorous Tummies

2011-04-01T09:19:00.004-04:00

As I walked outside into the snowy rain, I realized that there was a problem.

The problem was with my shoes. Well, they might not deserve the name anymore, as the sole of one of them must have worn off so much that it doesn't exist anymore. And so I came to be walking the city with one foot feeling the wet concrete at every step, my sock going squish-squish-squish, whilst the other foot sighed in happy contentment at its warm environ.

If you've ever wondered how tired New Yorkers are, the answer is: really tired. I sat between two of them and quietly spit up my stomach contents into a plastic bag. Neither of them noticed. This may be due to the fact that one had closed her eyes and the other one was listening to some intense music through his iPod earbuds.

Speaking of which: why does everyone want to listen to ghastly, horrifying songs about rapes and murders (a la JZ and Eminem) at 7:30 in the morning? Does no one else want calming, happy music to gently welcome you to the day?

In case you're wondering why exactly I was spitting up my stomach contents (I don't make a habit of it), let me just say that I was recently diagnosed with both bronchitis and the flu, leading me to be prescribed, among other things, a fun medicine called Tamiflu. Tamiflu causes gastrointestinal side effects that are quite miserable including intense nausea and potential vomiting. Taking the subway train after having taken Tamiflu was not one of my better ideas. The shaking, jolting, starting and stopping all stirred my (already agitated) stomach.

But what I really want to talk to you about today is the word "troubled." I have noticed (from my great cultural perusal of AM New York and Metro) that the word "troubled" is overused in many of the following contexts:

- The "troubled" Spiderman show
- The "troubled" starlet (referring to Christian Aguilera, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears alternately)
- The "troubled" teen (any frum person referring to a kid who is not quite off-the-derech but who is hanging out with members of the opposite gender)
- The "troubled" city (New York City, what else?)
- The "troubled" economy
-Her "troubled" childhood (any criminal)

And the list goes on.

In any case, gnawing on a Grannysmith apple saved me from spitting up the rest of my stomach contents, which I'm sure was quite a relief to everyone involved (aka me and the standing gentleman who watched me as I nibbled at it and doubtless wondered why I would eat something that was unwashed. The answer is, dear gentlemen, sometimes desperate times require desperate measures!)

Speaking of Grannysmith, does anyone else wonder how the name came about? Grannysmith. Kind of like Granny Smith, an American version of Savta Simcha, one who helps Johnny Appleseed on his mission. Maybe even his Granny. Or Pocahontas' granny-in-law.

In any chase, this was just a long way to say that my stomach is waging a revolution and the proletariat seem to be winning. The bourgeoisie is fleeing in dismay. It's all quite upsetting.

Happy Friday!

Fun Jewish Events Coming Your Way

2011-03-30T10:36:00.003-04:00

March 30 (Today)- Buy Israel Goods day

April 2 - The First National Jewish Collegiate A Capella Competition

April 17- J-Serve, the National Day of Jewish Youth Service, taking place worldwide and sponsored in part by NCSY

April 28- The Hijabi Monologues performed at John Jay, starring an Orthodox Jew as one of the actresses

Today's Challenge: The Psych Ward

2011-03-28T11:23:00.002-04:00

You and I wake up in a psychiatric ward together. Using four words, what would you say to me?

(The funnier or wittier your entry is, the happier I am.)

Hat-Tip: Ely Winkler

This Doesn't Bode Well...Or It's The Dawn of a New Era

2011-03-25T10:11:00.003-04:00

President Joel unleashed a bit of news that has the YU community buzzing. In his words:

organizing the Stern College, Sy Syms School and Yeshiva College faculties into one Yeshiva University undergraduate faculty

Yeshiva University is now going to have one core faculty that will service all three schools. Why would this be happening? Offhand, it seems like there are a couple of reasons.

1. It may indeed be useful to have one excellent core faculty that services all three schools so that there is a certain continuity in being a YU student, no matter the campus

2. Budget cuts and layoffs mean that extraneous faculty need to be let go

The problem with this potential initiative is that there are teachers who have specifically told us, during the course of their teaching at YU, that while they had taught for some time at the uptown campus, their responsibilities are such that they can no longer manage to do that, teach at Stern and also fulfill their other obligations. I hope this announcement does not mean that these excellent teachers will now be mandated to teach at both places, or else they will be let go.

Other students have been reading this announcement as signaling the dawn of a new era where the Sy Syms School of Business will be disbanded and business degrees will instead be offered through Stern College or Yeshiva College.

It's your turn to join the guessing game...what do you think these words portend?

Hat-Tip: Titian-Haired Goddess

Hi Reuters, Your Israel Coverage is Ridiculous

2011-03-24T08:19:00.001-04:00

Dear Reuters, You Must Be Kidding.

Read it and laugh, then cry.

Fighter

2011-03-22T12:02:00.002-04:00

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

-"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

*

For most of my life, I've perceived myself as a victim. I have been acted upon, not the one who is acting. My choices have largely been responses to situations which I was forced into. I have long identified with victims in films and in works of literature. This is largely the reason that I empathize with, root for and value the underdog, outcast, ugly, cast away or beast. My fascination has been with others who have been acted upon- battered women, abused children, rape victims, those who have been bullied or otherwise harmed by the authority figures in their lives.

It's also the reason that I love Lisbeth Salander. Though a victim, Salander stands up for herself. She defies all conventional norms and places herself in a position where she will win against the odds. She's a true-blooded fighter.

Though I admired Salander, I didn't feel like I had much in common with her. For one thing, I am very aware of my fears and weaknesses. I know that physical altercations scare me more than they thrill me. Physical pain is my nightmare. Conflict frustrates me unless I have written proof that demonstrates I am correct, in which case I can resolve the situation. I am frightened of people who yell at me and mostly just want them to stop.

That's why it surprised me when someone close to me mentioned that they thought of me as a fighter. To me, bravery and courage are words reserved for people who run into burning buildings to rescue children. The mental and emotional kinds don't really register on my radar. Oddly, they register when I reflect on anybody else's struggles; I am the only exception to my own rule. Perhaps that's what this person meant. It's harder to stand up for what's right when you're trembling than it is when you have a congenital defect that makes you immune to pain.

Long live the trembling fighters.

Megillah Observations

2011-03-20T18:34:00.002-04:00

In Heshy's honor, because he asked me to post about this before Purim was out.

~

In Esther 6:13 we read יג וַיְסַפֵּר הָמָן לְזֶרֶשׁ אִשְׁתּוֹ, וּלְכָל-אֹהֲבָיו, אֵת, כָּל-אֲשֶׁר קָרָהוּ; וַיֹּאמְרוּ לוֹ חֲכָמָיו וְזֶרֶשׁ אִשְׁתּוֹ, אִם מִזֶּרַע הַיְּהוּדִים מָרְדֳּכַי אֲשֶׁר הַחִלּוֹתָ לִנְפֹּל לְפָנָיו לֹא-תוּכַל לוֹ--כִּי-נָפוֹל תִּפּוֹל, לְפָנָיו.

13 And Haman recounted unto Zeresh his wife and all his friends every thing that had befallen him. Then said his wise men and Zeresh his wife unto him: 'If Mordecai, before whom thou hast begun to fall, be of the seed of the Jews, thou shalt not prevail against him, but shalt surely fall before him.

Note how Haman's downfall actually occurs. In Esther 7:8 we read

ח וְהַמֶּלֶךְ שָׁב מִגִּנַּת הַבִּיתָן אֶל-בֵּית מִשְׁתֵּה הַיַּיִן, וְהָמָן נֹפֵל עַל-הַמִּטָּה אֲשֶׁר אֶסְתֵּר עָלֶיהָ, וַיֹּאמֶר הַמֶּלֶךְ, הֲגַם לִכְבּוֹשׁ אֶת-הַמַּלְכָּה עִמִּי בַּבָּיִת; הַדָּבָר, יָצָא מִפִּי הַמֶּלֶךְ, וּפְנֵי הָמָן, חָפוּ. 8

Then the king returned out of the palace garden into the place of the banquet of wine; and Haman was fallen upon the couch whereon Esther was. Then said the king: 'Will he even force the queen before me in the house?' As the word went out of the king's mouth, they covered Haman's face.

When Haman falls upon the couch to beg for his life, the king misinterprets this as an attempt to conquer/ rape/ seduce the queen. Therefore, he angrily determines Haman must be punished, sealing Haman's fate of falling before Mordechai.

As a second observation, every time Haman talks to Zeresh he also talks to all his "loved ones." Only at the last does the verse say he speaks to Zeresh and his "wise ones." This would suggest either there are two different groups of people or somehow the loved ones transformed into wise ones. Anyone familiar with commentaries on this?

Book Review: The Queen You Thought You Knew

2011-03-18T12:53:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: I work for the Orthodox Union and this book was published by OU Press. I received a review copy which I did not have to pay for. While I do not think this affects my judgment, you should keep it in mind when you read this post.

~

Rabbi David Fohrman's book The Queen You Thought You Knew: Unmasking Esther's Hidden Story is an easy-to-read, engaging, compelling and thoughtful work. However, I think some of his points are not shored up as much as they could be or require a stretch of the imagination to accept. My favorite part of the book (it was divided into three sections) was 'Deja Vu All Over Again' which focused on the connections between Esther, Judah and Benjamin. Honestly, the book is worth buying for that last section alone.

So which parts did I think needed work? Well, here's one.

means

Vashti

"Why do you ask me so much about my past? Let's talk about the future"

Rabbi Fohrman then goes on to suggest that because Esther had carefully shrouded her identity in order to fit into this Mother Persia identity, she was taking a great risk in connecting herself with the Jews.

The problems with this approach are multi-faceted. Here are a few:

1. After dismissing Vashti from the post of Queen, the King sent out certain letters declaring that "every man should bear rule in his own house, and speak according to the language of his people." If Achashveirosh really has plans of having all the nations come together under a Mother Persia motif, it makes no sense for him to order that all his subjects ought to speak the language of their particular people. Rather, they all ought to speak the language Achashveirosh speaks, whatever that might be. Clearly, the provinces and locales having their own individual identities is not something that Achashveirosh sees as a threat.

2. Esther tells the King in Mordechai's name about the plot to murder him. Hence the King is aware that Esther has some sort of association with Mordechai, who is a clear Jew. True, it could be simply that of a Queen and a subject. But Esther's servants realize that is not so. This is obvious from Esther 4:4. Though Esther may not have explicitly told anyone that she is a Jew, her maidens and chamberlains see Mordechai the Jew in sackcloth and immediately come to tell her. Thus it is clear that they may have had some inkling that she cares for the Jews. You see she is not hiding it when she sends Hathach, a chamberlain the king appointed and thus someone who might report to the king, to speak with Mordechai.

3. The Lady Liberty analogy is not apt and in fact hurts R' Fohrman's point. The idea of a melting pot of cultures which all come together and share with one another under one 'American' label is a uniquely modern one. To try to apply a concept from the future to the past seems to speak to an innacurate understanding of history. While it's certain that people were subsumed into their host cultures in the past, this very much varied depending on who the conqueror was and how strong their presence was throughout the empire. It seems clear from the Megillah Achashveirosh is not this sort of king; he doesn't favor his provinces all becoming alike or emulating his culture alone. He doesn't see diversity as a threat so long as his subjects are all still loyal to him as King, something which is not necessarily connected with viewing the queen as 'Mother Persia.'

It falls to R' Fohrman to address these questions to the reader's satisfaction in order to support his hypothesis. He does not do so; thus I remain unconvinced. The subsequent portion of the book that tried to persuade me that Esther was in grave danger when she seemed to be giving up her Mother Persia identity did not speak to me because of this.

The second point R' Fohrman makes addresses the language Mordechai uses when speaking to Esther and where we have seen it before. He connects statements and concepts like "na'arah," a married woman, guidance concerning relationship with a spouse, the "na'arah" being in her father's house, silence and a short window of time to a passage in Tanakh. I will not tell you which one because that would ruin a fun 'Eureka!' moment for you. His drush on the passage is interesting but weak because it requires removing a very important mapik hei in order for it to work. This removal changes the entire word to mean something different. As any Dr. Steiner Biblical Hebrew survivor will tell you, removing mapik heis to make up Torah is nice, but midrashic and doesn't seem to be the most solid way to give over a point.

So where does R' Fohrman outdo himself? In the last portion of the book. Here is where R' Fohrman comes into his own, connecting the story of Purim to a long-forgotten tale that took place in Egypt. In this tale, Benjamin was allowed to venture into the lion's den by his father, Jacob, who stated, "And if he is lost, he is lost." Curiously parallel words to those of Esther, who also states, "And if I am lost, I am lost." However, Judah comes to the rescue, defending Benjamin and offering to become a slave in his place. Ever wonder about the constant emphasis on Mordechai Ha-Yehudi in The Megillah? R' Fohrman explains that Yehudi in this context actually refers to the exiles of the Southern Kingdom, the Kingdom of Judah. This is a story of redemption and rectification. Esther, who hails from the tribe of Benjamin, is going to save her brethren, the Yehudim, in thanks to Judah who saved Benjamin all those many years ago. This last, poignant, breathtaking point, presented with many word and sentence parallels and offering a resounding and meaningful new way of looking at the text is what made the book powerful.

So read this book. Learn something new as you sit at your Seudah, sharing Divrei Torah. Take a look at The Megillah with fresh eyes. And enjoy the journey.

To Die Well

2011-03-18T11:42:00.003-04:00

יד לֹא-אוּכַל אָנֹכִי לְבַדִּי, לָשֵׂאת אֶת-כָּל-הָעָם הַזֶּה: כִּי כָבֵד, מִמֶּנִּי. 14
I am not able to bear all this people myself alone, because it is too heavy for me.

~

Purim should be a happy occasion. But in the wake of the murders of the Fogel Family and remembering what happened at Merkaz HaRav years ago, it's hard to focus on that. The children dressed up in their costumes, filled with merriment and gaiety, are just as innocent as the ones who are lying on the floor, their blood spattering the walls.

Sometimes the music in our minds rises to such a fever pitch that it is hard to hear anything but that. I see shadows on children's faces, the superimposed images of others who are dead. Brian Jacques in his series Redwall was the first one to introduce me to the concept of what the dead would have wished for us. Surely the dead would wish us to be happy and glad on this holiday of salvation. And yet they were not saved. How to reconcile the two concepts? How then shall I be glad for the salvation of old when the salvation of new has yet to arrive?

We are so small in the scheme of things. They say the spies were wrong to compare us to grasshoppers, that because they were like grasshoppers in their own eyes, they could not demonstrate the true strength and courage they possessed. But it is difficult to look at us as citizens of a galaxy so vast with anything other than eyes noting our smallness, how little there is of us. We live so quickly. We die so quickly. Of what worth was it? What difference have I made? For what have I lived?

I remember when I was little I used to read The Little Midrash Says and pray that I would die al kiddush Hashem. I thought that was the ultimate test, the ultimate challenge. To die al kiddush Hashem would mean to die having stood up for my principles, my ideals, for everything that mattered to me. It would be to die with dignity.

But when I read articles such as these, I realize that my fear would forbid me from dying this way. The flesh is weak. I'm afraid of pain. I would be scared of knives or guns. I don't know if I would be able to face them down. And so I find myself being oddly jealous of a baby.

What do I mean by that? Well, it's like so. Little Hadas was nearly a newborn, three short months old. She had had no opportunity to sin. And then she died in the holiest way possible, al kiddush Hashem. She has a direct route to God and to Heaven. There will be no purgatory for her, no distancing from God, no shame because of sins she committed. There will be no grief for potential left unfulfilled. She was sent here and then taken to be held in God's holy embrace.

It's not that I wish such a death on anyone. It's not that I am glad, God forbid, that she or her family died. But if one has to die, is that not one of the best ways? To die free of sin, totally pure, in sanctification of God's name? How many of us will be granted such deaths?

It's an aspiration of mine, should the challenge arise: to die well. My heroes and heroines do. Saul, having been told by Samuel that he will die in battle, nerves himself to go walking out into the darkness. He surrenders to God. He bows his head and accepts his fate. He does not flee. He is not Jonah running away from Nineveh.

So too Esther. She walks into the king's inner chambers having dressed herself in royalty. She does not shed a tear. Her walk is noble and she too has surrendered to God. What will be will be. He will determine her fate.

I'd like to die like them.

Everlasting

2011-03-16T17:44:00.004-04:00

And she took her heart and a soldering iron
and she cauterized her soul.
It was a stump, a charcoal black.
It smelled scorched. She gagged, then retched.
She seared the crimson quiet.
And then it did something unexpected.
It bled...and bled...and bled...
and wept tears of blood.
She took the torch, turned it on;
tongues of blue flame licked the wound.
But still it bled.

"And the bush was burning and yet it was not consumed."

How You Can Remember the Fogel Family

2011-03-16T10:10:00.002-04:00

If you are in NYC, A COMMUNITY MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR THE VICTIMS OF THE MASSACRE IN ITAMAR is taking place THURSDAY, March 17 at 12:00PM NOON at KJ -125 East 85th St (between Park and Lex). Please attend.

If you are not in the New York area or cannot attend, you can watch the live webcast stream at 12PM EST online at this link.

Alternatively, join in Women Unite by Lighting Shabbat Candles in Memory of the Fogel Family.

Alternatively, give Shalach Manot to residents of Itamar through Bnei Akiva. (The daughter who survived had been attending a Bnei Akiva activity, which is why she was not at home when her family was murdered.)

Tizku L'Mitzvot.

My Body is a Cage

2011-03-16T09:16:00.002-04:00

Watching "House" is often a religious experience for me. Favorite songs from last night:

-This Night by Black Lab
-My Body is a Cage covered by Peter Gabriel (originally by Arcade Fire)

And here is a very well-written entry on the episode by Lisa Palmer.

Fun Ambiguity in Shmuel

2011-03-13T13:46:00.002-04:00

In I Samuel 15:35, the verse reads:

לה וְלֹא-יָסַף שְׁמוּאֵל לִרְאוֹת אֶת-שָׁאוּל, עַד-יוֹם מוֹתוֹ, כִּי-הִתְאַבֵּל שְׁמוּאֵל, אֶל-שָׁאוּל; וַיהוָה נִחָם, כִּי-הִמְלִיךְ אֶת-שָׁאוּל עַל-יִשְׂרָאֵל. {פ} 35

And Samuel never beheld Saul again until the day of his death; for Samuel mourned for Saul; and the LORD repented that He had made Saul king over Israel. {P}

This verse is ambiguous. Either it could mean:

A) Samuel never beheld Saul again till the day of his death (meaning, Samuel died without seeing Saul again)

B) Samuel never beheld Saul again till Saul's day of death which is supported because of the Witch of En-Dor story where Saul sees Samuel again on the eve of battle. According to Jewish law, the night is the beginning of the day, and hence Samuel seeing Saul that night and telling him that tomorrow, Saul and his three sons would be with him was the equivalent of seeing Saul on the day of his death.

Pagan Religion

2011-03-13T12:30:00.003-04:00

Continuing in The Religion of Israel, we focus upon pagan religion and what makes a religion uniquely pagan in scope.

~

Paganism in all its embodiments

a primordial realm.

What is myth?

Myth is the tale of the life of the gods. In myth the gods appear not only as actors, but as acted upon. At the heart of myth is the tension between the gods and other forces that shape their destinies (Chana paraphrases: for example, fate). (Kaufman 22)What is magic?

It is that which the pagan employs in order to "activate the forces of the metadivine" (Kaufman 24) which he must do because the gods themselves derive from a primordial force (hence a "more generalized power") and indeed "call upon forces outside themselves."Why is being religious/ obedient to the will of the gods not enough for the pagan?

Because of the mythological nature of [paganism's] gods, because of their subjection to a primordial realm, paganism was necessarily and essentially magical as well. The sphere of the gods, the "religious" sphere, was always qualified by the sphere of powers beyond the gods. It is the mythological character of paganism's gods that provides the framework for its synthesis of magical and religious elements. (Kaufman 24)What are examples of ways in which the gods are dependent upon that which lies outside them?

Their need for food and drink (milk from the breasts of goddesses, Indian soma, Germanic mead, the Greek nectar and ambrosia, magical foods and drinks that endow them with special powers, that heal them of sickness, that protect them against evil magic, that rejuvenate them, that act as aphrodisiacs and so forth). There are also magical objects that the gods employ for their needs and that are considered the source of their power. Babylonian "Tables of Destiny," Aphrodite's aphrodisiacal girdle, Hermes' magic wand, magic seals, crystals in which the future can be divined, magic weapons to ward off evil etc. (Kaufman 32)What rules the gods?

rita

asha

ananke

moira

What does the wisdom of gods entail?

Not knowledge of itself and its effect on a world dependant upon it, but rather knowledge of the world and its mysterious properties, in which it only plays a part. (Kaufman 34)

Now let's talk about magic, divination and cult.

Magic, divination and cult are the three forms that practical religion takes in antiquity. The magician usually acts in the name of gods and spirits; his techniques have often been revealed to him by the gods, and he is effective through their power. From this viewpoint, magic may be counted among the phenomena of religion, and the magician regarded as a priest who acts with the sanction and help of a potent god.

MAGIC

But magic may also appear in a "pure" form in rites that have no connection with the will of the gods, but are viewed as automatically effective, or even capable of coercing the gods to do the will of the practitioner. There can be a magical basis even to rites involving an appeal to the gods- when they themselves are conceived as skilled magicians who know the secrets of the universe and how to put them to use. It is this ever present assumption of a realm of forces apart from the gods that makes pagan religion, even in its highest manifestations, amenable to belief in magic.

The distinctive mark of all pagan rituals is that they are not directed toward the will of the gods alone. They call upon self-operating forces that are independent of the gods, and that the gods themselves need and utilize for their own benefit. The ultimate symbol of divine subjection to transcendent powers is the god as magician or as diviner. (Kaufman 40-41)

DIVINATION

Divination is often defined as the discovery by various means of the will and decree of the gods. But this definition inadvertently imposes upon paganism a unified view of the universe that is foreign to its essence. It presupposes that both the disclosure (by means of a sign, or prophecy, etc) and the decree (the impending event) stem always from the will of the gods. But paganism was conscious of no such unity, for it did not attribute everything ot the will of the gods. Some events and conditions had nothing to do with the gods; others befell the gods themselves as decrees of overriding fate. Even where they reigned supreme, there was no necessary identity between the god who made decrees and the god who revealed them. Pagan divination does not assume, as a matter of course, that the disclosure to man comes from the same god who determines his destiny. Perhaps the most prevalent concept is that certain gods or spirits, who have a particular faculty for discovering what has been decreed, specialize as contacts with man. (Kaufman 43)

TYPES OF DIVINATION

INDUCTIVE DIVINATION- Works by observation of external signs, various phenomena of the external world.

INTUITIVE DIVINATION- The working of an inner power, a special faculty of the soul to foreknow or to see hidden things.

ONEIROMANCY- Characteristically practiced by means of the dream-riddle- while the dream is often a sign sent by the gods, it may also be a causal sign or a spontaneous premonition of things to come.

PROPHECY-Prophecy is a divine attribute in which man can share either by the favor of the gods or by his own magical efforts. It is grounded in a special psychic property which enables its possessor to know hidden things immediately. It is not necessarily dependent upon divine revelation; it may equally well represent a human faculty of sensing hidden things irrespective of the gods.

THE CULT

The characteristic mark of the pagan cult is not its plurality of worshiped beings, but its view of ritual as automatically efficient and intrinsically significant. The cult is not ordained by the supreme, free will of the deity; its end is not merely to express and embody man's adoration. It is rather a system of rites capable in themselves of working good and evil, whose potency derives from the realm above the gods. It sets into motion magical forces inherent in certain substances (the flesh of sacrifices, blood, incense, oil, water, fire, etc) certain activities (gestures, dances, processions, songs, dramas, prayers etc) and certain forms (numbers, figures, series of actions, pictures and symbols.)

There is always a magical element in the pagan cult, even when it aims at propitiating the gods. For the cult is regarded as playing a vital role in the life of the gods. Its purpose is to benefit man, but it achieves this by serving th eneeds of the upper realm. The pagan cult not only invokes the blessings of the gods, it also supports them and strengthens them through its rites.

SACRIFICE AND FESTIVAL- There are two main types. A) Those intended to propitiate and do homage to the gods B) Those that aim at acting upon or influencing hte life of the gods or the cosmos. (Both intentions can sometimes be mingled together.)

THE BATTLE OF GOOD AND EVIL- Paganism regards impurity or demonic evil as an autonomous, baleful realm as primary as the holy and the good. Death, disease, darkness and the host of evil spirits who seek to destroy gods and men are the domain of the unclean. The eternal struggle between these two realms is vividly reflected in the cult.

GODS AS PRIESTS- The fundamental idea of paganism is most strikingly set forth in the notion that the gods use the cult for their own benefit. Nothing illustrates so clearly the intrinsic value of the cult and the gods' dependence upon it (Kaufman 57). Example: Marduk is not only the arch magician, but also the "priest of the gods."

Let's conclude by talking about the pagan way to salvation.

Subjection of both men and gods to a transcendent realm is symbolized by myth and concretized in the cult. This common lot is what gives meaning to the magical, irrational cult; men share in the life and destiny of the gods, imitate their actions and rites, and commemorate events in their lives. These are the mythological foundations upon which the cult is grounded. And yet, it is a prevalent idea that the rites have autonomous value and innate efficacy. The groundwork is thus laid for bypassing the gods to address the ultimate realm upon which they themselves are dependent. This tendency does not represent a "magical stage" of religion; the notion of the intrinsic efficacy of the ritual is sufficient to turn attention to the meta-divine realm, and to arouse efforts to attain salvation directly through it.

The most advanced manifestations of paganism show a tendency to regard man as able to save himself by his own devices. The cult rises above the commonplace concerns of rain, produce, fertility, and victory to the vision of salvation. At this level, man may be viewed as the ally of the gods in their struggle with evil- that is, at bottom, as co-savior with the gods (Zoroastrianism). Or the tendency may be toward the magical, with the cult regarded as a system of rites capable of exalting man to divine rank and thus saving him from evil. Salvation, however, is his own concern, not the gods'; at most, they but help him find the hidden way (Brahmanism). But paganism may attain the philosophic and metaphysical level. Here, salvation is no longer a matter of ritual, but of knowledge of the secrets of being and non-being, life and death. Man liberates himself through his mind and spirit from the prison of the body and dreary cycle of death and rebirth (Gnosticism and Buddhism). The sublimest height is reached in the Platonic doctrine, which teaches man how to redeem himself through attachment to the realm of ideas.

Paganism in all its manifestations thus recognizes a transcendent, metadivine realm. There it seeks the key to the destiny of the world and the salvation of man. (Kaufman 58-59)

Pagan Mythology & Idolatry in the Bible

2011-03-13T12:06:00.003-04:00

The Religion of Israel by Yehezkel Kaufmann, translated and abridged by Moshe Greenberg, raises an interesting problem as its premise, namely, how is it that the Bible is filled with attacks on idolatry inasmuch as idolatry is a fetishism (creatures of stone, wood, gold and silver ought not to be worshipped) and yet does not include attacks on the mythology behind paganism? The problem is presented like so on page 20.

~

The Basic Problem

It seems incredible that Israel should have been totally unaware of the nature of pagan beliefs. For Israel was always in contact with its pagan neighbors, and moreover, had believing pagans in its midst. Certainly there were circles who knew about paganism more than is reflected in the Bible. What is shown by the fact that the Bible bases its whole polemic on the argument of fetishism is that the chief influence of foreign beliefs on Israelite religion did not involve mythological materials and that the age-long battle of the Bible with idolatry did not involve mythological polytheism. This compels us to examine anew the conventional views regarding foreign influences on Israelite religion during biblical times. Moreover, we shall have to re-examine fundamentally the nature of Israelite "idolatry" during this period.

It is clear now that the question as to the origin of Israelite monotheism has been erroneously formulated. We cannot ask whether it was during the preprophetic or prophetic age that the religion of YHWH came to deny the reality of the foreign gods. The Bible nowhere denies the existence of the gods; it ignores them. In contrast to the philosophic attack on Greek popular religion, and in contrast to the later Jewish and Christian polemics, biblical religion shows no trace of having undertaken deliberately to suppress and repudiate mythology. There is no evidence that the gods and their myths were ever a central issue in the religion of YHWH. And yet this religion is non-mythological. Fossil-remains of ancient myths cannot obscure the basic difference between Israelite religion and paganism. It is precisely this non-mythological aspect that makes it unique in world history; this was the source of its universal appeal.

The Bible's ignorance of the meaning of paganism is at once the basic problem and the most important clue to the understanding of biblical religion. It underscores as nothing else can the gulf that separates biblical religion from paganism. A recognition of this gulf is crucial to the understanding of the faith of the Bible. Not only does it underlie the peculiar biblical misrepresentation of paganism, it is the essential fact of the history of the Israelite religion.

This Purim, Remember the Fogel Family

2011-03-13T10:09:00.001-04:00

Please join me in creating a memorial for the Fogel Family at your campus or in your community this Thursday, Taanit Esther, for as the heroine Esther said (Esther 8:6): "How can I bear to see the evil that shall come unto my people? Or how can I endure to see the destruction of my kindred?"

Read the details here.

The Fogel Family Murders

2011-03-13T09:20:00.004-04:00

כִּי אֵיכָכָה אוּכַל, וְרָאִיתִי, בָּרָעָה, אֲשֶׁר-יִמְצָא אֶת-עַמִּי; וְאֵיכָכָה אוּכַל וְרָאִיתִי, בְּאָבְדַן מוֹלַדְתִּי -
for how can I endure to see the evil that shall come unto my people? or how can I endure to see the destruction of my kindred?

-Esther 8:6

*

I woke up this morning and cried.
Cried that we live in a world where people can be massacred by Palestinian terrorists.
Cried for the innocent lives that were lost.
Cried because of the horror that is people eating sweets in celebration of these murders.
Cried because the world media has currently all but ignored this story, whereas if it had been a Palestinian family massacred, this would have been all over the news. (See the Prime Minister's amazing speech here.)
Cried because of the evil that exists in our world.
Cried because of these pictures.

~

These children were no threat to Hamas or any adult. They were murdered because they were Jewish and Israeli and for no other reason than that.

That is what evil looks like.

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-11T09:10:00.003-05:00

This past Wednesday, as I was wandering around New York on my way to my job, I noticed that many people had ash marking their foreheads.

Of course, my first reaction to this was, "Squee! They're all Chasidim getting married!" It's a Chasidish custom to mark the groom's head with ashes.

Upon taking a closer look, however, I realized that a lot of these people had ashes in the shape of a cross marking their forehead. At which point I realized it was Ash Wednesday, not everybody's wedding day.

In other exciting news, hamentash-packaging for former NCSY and JSU participants is just peachy.

Holly's a B*tch

2011-03-10T09:19:00.002-05:00

On "Sexy," the latest episode of Glee:

Rachel: My choice is to be celibate.
Holly: I respect your choice. I think you're naive and frigid, but I respect your choice.

So the sex-ed teacher calls any teenager who isn't having sex naive (because there's no possible way they could survive high school without having sex) and frigid (not a sensual creature), both of which are incredibly insulting. It's also ridiculous that the assumption is that every teenager must be a slave to their desires, especially their sexual ones, and has absolutely no control over their behavior.

Then there's Emma, who hasn't consummated her marriage yet. Holly tells her, "My lips are sealed...like your legs."

Is this supposed to be funny? Are we meant to be entertained by watching people get smacked down on television? There's a difference between the Holly character and the Sue Sylvester character in that Holly is meant to be relatable and fun. Sue is not. So when Sue says incredibly awful things, it's okay because that's just Sue. Plus, she usually has a different type of awfulness, one which has glimpses of humanity like when she told Kurt that she didn't think bullying was okay or when she voted for the McKinley High Glee club at Regionals. Sue's awfulness comes from her agenda and her need to put herself, her career and Cheerios first, damn the consequences. Holly isn't like that and hence her comments are a lot worse.

Noi Due vs. My Most Favorite Food

2011-03-09T09:32:00.004-05:00

Last night, my husband and I went on an outing. As we happened to be on the Upper West Side, I suggested we stop by Noi Due for drinks and cake to conclude our evening. When the maitre'd welcomed us, I told her that's all we were planning to order and she seated us. I was mulling over my cinammon-flecked apple cider while Heshy enjoyed an orange fruit juice when our whiskey cake arrived. It had all the makings of an enjoyable evening.

Except the waitress rushed us and thereby ruined my night.

I understand why she rushed us. We weren't ordering a full meal. We weren't incredibly rich. We weren't going to tip her so much simply because we weren't ordering appetizers, wine, entrees and then dessert. But we're still people, we're still customers, and we have the right so sit at our table for at least twenty minutes without being constantly disturbed by questions of, "Perhaps you want an appetizer?" when I clearly said I did not and the bill being presented after ten minutes with an annoying, chirpy "Whenever you're ready" which was repeated once more within the next three minutes. This was especially annoying because there were two empty tables ready and waiting for the next pair of interested customers. Thus, it's not as though we were taking up valuable space at a peak time.

In contrast to this, I have always had wonderful experiences at My Most Favorite Food, even when I only ordered one slice of cake. The waiters are solicitous and friendly. They never rush me, push me around or otherwise make me feel unwanted. Whether I've ordered an expensive full meal or the one slice of cake, they treat me well. The first time I met Heshy we stayed there for hours, talking over our cake.

There are many industries in which it pays to build up customer loyalty. Hairdressers, manicurists and spa estheticians know this. Even though a manicure may cost a mere $7-$10, if I enjoy my experience, I will come back again. Had I enjoyed my experience at Noi Due, I might have made my drinks-and-cake outing a weekly experience. Had I enjoyed the service rendered by that particular waitress, I would have asked to be served by her again. But she was only interested in us in context of this one meal. She didn't bother to consider the past or the future. If she had, she would have realized:

- Just because I happen not to be ordering a full meal today does not mean I have not done so in the past and would not do so in the future. In fact, I have spent a fortune of money at Noi Due and have recommended it to many friends. If I had had a positive experience, I would continue to do so.

-For all she knows, one day I may become incredibly wealthy and dine here all the time. A little bit of kindness and sweetness now would have earned her a potentially wealthy customer for later. (Cue scene from "Pretty Woman" when Richard Gere accompanies Julia Roberts to the shops that wouldn't allow her to purchase items before, deliberately doesn't buy clothing from them and lets them contemplate what they lost.)

I know that there are many wealthy Jews in New York, and thus the seemingly small loss of a student couple's business doesn't really faze restaurant owners. But I think it should. You lose nothing by being kind to someone, and in the long run, you might gain something. Disgruntled customers, even if they're just students, aren't good for your business. Especially when they decide that from now on, they'll be eating by your competition.